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"I can't understand why my man also wants another woman"

Dear Ayal,

I have just come out of a wonderful 16 month relationship with my soulmate. I am 17 and he is 20. We met through our sisters, who are best friends. At first, merely on the Internet where we shared aspects of each other and talked freely about our interests. One afternoon, I had computer trouble and sought his help, bringing also one other aspect to our growing friendship - Love.

Since then, we had been together and doing nearly everything together. After we became boyfriend and girlfriend, everything looked up for both of us. He got a good job, and in a few months became manager. In school my grades rose and I was less stressed and depressed with life.

We had relatively few arguments, and after two months, we realized we loved each other. The third month of our relationship, we shared for the first time the ultimate intamacy, and it brought us even closer together. Nothing went unsaid, nothing went undone. It was first for me, but as I was his second love (the first true love, however) I had to deal with being his second in bed.

Being only16 at the time, we couldn't do much away from home, and my mother always had strict time limits. My father is much more lenient and doesn't mind at all, since he loves Travis like his own son. My mother eventually saw how much we were - are - in love and gave us longer amounts of time to be together.

It hurt us both to be on a schedule, but we learned to accept it. After my 17th birthday things were even better for us. However, with his best friend being home from college, I saw less and less of him, and more and more of him begining to lose his job. Eventually, the friend returned to college, but Travis was still late to work. He actually did lose his job for a weekend, but was called back on probabtion, which he still holds even after three months passing.

Our relationship grew more intense, with him coming over late at night after closing to be with me for an hour or two, and our love was growing ever more day by day. However, he decided that he wanted to try things with a new girl he works with, who is of the same age.

We have made love three times since his decision, and he says he still loves me with his whole heart. I love him too much to let go, and I can't understand why he would do this to me after sharing so many things with me. He and I are perfect for each other he says, and I agree. But why would he leave his true love to experience something with a mere crush? He says why he is doing it is so that he can kiss her.

My heart feels like it's been shattered, and I don't know of anything else to do! I've explained to him the crushes I've had that I never wanted to forsake love for, yet he's doing it now. Is it because he really doesn't love me the way he did at first, or because he's tired of being with me? He shows all the signs of tenderness and love he did before, until he is around this new girl. Then he is bitter and wishes me gone. I can understand him not wanting me around, but why would he be bitter to me? How can some one wish love for something that may not be real? She doesn't even agree with him on what he likes to do in his spare time, whereas he and I can do everything we want to do with no problems. Is it a case of opposites attract, or is it time for me to see a bigger picture and realize maybe it's a sign that there's something more for me?

I've prayed to God to help me see what is going on, to help me to be okay with this. I accidentally stumbled across your website, and hope maybe that you are the answer to what I have asked. Please help me, with everything you know. I can't take this any longer and I need to know if it's something I need to change, or if it is a sign of something better out there!


Hi - In your letter, you refer to this man as your true love and your soul mate. That is how you choose to see it. However, that is not how he is choosing to see it. Your reality, your perception of the relationship, is different from his. True love is a very romantic idea. Everything is actually true love, as there is no other kind of love. All love comes from God, and so it all must be "true". There may, eventually, be one very deep and special, committed partner relationship in our lives, but I think the idea of true love has been overplayed and over romanticized. At 17, it is very easy to idealize and romanticize love and life. As we mature, we realize that each person has many relationships in their life, on many differing levels - friends, family, lover, etc. We are never the only one in someone's life, as they will never be the only one in ours. Every relationship we have teaches us something. When we do settle down with one person in a committed relationship, then if that is what feels right to both people and both agree to this lifestyle, then we set boundaries on sexual activities outside of the relationship. We choose to have a monogamous relationship, or not. But once an agreement is made, it needs to be honored. To not honor the agreement is to say the relationship is not that important. This man has put self gratification, what he wants, before his concern for you or the relationship.

For this man to say he is loving you with his whole heart, but then he risks the relationship and wounds you just so he can "kiss" (?) someone else is about as ridiculous as it gets. How come you bought into something that silly? If a relationship is really a deeply committed one, then a person doesn't risk all of that just so he can" kiss" someone. For you to continue to believe that he is committed to you when he obviously isn't, is being very na ve on your part. To continue to sleep with him when he's involved with someone else is to allow him to get what he wants from you and get what he is also wanting from her. What a nice set up for him. Sounds to me like he's giving you a bunch of BS. It seems to me that to go along with it in any way is compromising yourself. He says one thing, and then gets to sleep with you, but his actions show that he isn't behaving in a loving or appropriate way toward you. When you love someone, and both parties have agreed that they are in a one on one relationship, you don't risk hurting them just to get what you want. You certainly don't get involved with someone else.

You're not seeing what's really going on here. Your fear of losing him, because, perhaps you told yourself that this was your one true love, is blocking you from seeing what the reality is. The reality is, this guy isn't acting out of love toward you, even though you may wish he were. He's young, you're young - you're wanting your soul mate, and trying to make something be what it isn't. He is a young man wanting to play around as it suits him - he's wanting his cake and eating it too, and it sounds as if he'll tell you what you want to hear so badly to get it. If it had been me, and the man I was with did that, and we'd agreed that we were in a committed relationship, I'd have ended the relationship right then and there. I would not allow myself to be treated that way.

So, this is a big learning experience for you. Through all of this, what has stopped you from loving yourself? Are you loving yourself to be with a man who behaves like that? What do you need to do to take really good care of yourself? What do you need to do to be "true" to what feels right to you in this situation? True love is with yourself, toward yourself. Are you loving yourself to let yourself be jerked around like this? What do you need to do to feel the best you can about yourself?

Also, is he the one feeling bitter, or are you? That may be how YOU are feeling. The way to stop feeling bitter is to do what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Speak your truth, and be true to what you want in your life. If you want a soulmate, and instead you're involved with someone who throws away the relationship to play around with someone else, but then still sleeps with you (and you allow him to) - despite the fact that what he is doing has hurt you, then perhaps you may need to recognize and accept that although there may be a soulmate out there for you, he may not be the one. And you don't have to accept that kind of crap, frankly.

Blessings, Ayal

next 167. "How come I haven't gotten my menstrual cycle yet?"

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