"I can't let go of the woman I split up with 2 years ago"
Hi. I found your name from the trans4mind webpage and decided to email you about a problem I have. I hope you don't mind me emailing you randomly like this. OK, here goes:
I was with my ex for 11 years. We had a son 3.5 years ago. 2.5 years ago I left her. I left because I was seriously unhappy in my relationship with her. I feel guilty about this as I was in a broken home and vowed to myself I wouldn't repeat my parents' mistakes.
Very soon after we broke up, I fell in love with someone else. She was my 'dream' woman (beautiful, sexy, passionate, clever, witty, funny etc). I loved her with all my being, however it was a really rocky relationship, we broke up a number of times, and it only lasted 6 months. She didn't trust me despite evidence to the contrary, and in the end she betrayed me a number of times in different ways. She claims my betrayals of her were equally bad.
I have grieved intensely since we split up about 2 yrs ago. I have never felt this bad for so long. I saw her last night for the first time since we broke up. And the same issues that we had were there. I was hoping to have some sort of a reconciliation, but she wasn't interested.
My problem is that she's definitely not the right person for me, she finds the fact that I have a child very threatening, she isn't a very warm/generous person etc. At the same time I still think about her all the time and want her back. I can't seem to move on and it's making my life (and those of my friends!) a misery. Any help moving on would be appreciated.
Hi - First of all, what's important here for you in order to get some healing and clarity regarding this issue is that you are willing, ready, and available to access and to clear any imbalances within yourself that you need to. If you are only wanting for me to tell you how to get back with this woman or to put a band-aid on it, that won't allow you to really get to the heart of the matter. When you get down to what's causing these difficulties, then you can be free of this kind of painful situation. So, are you ready and willing to do that, to really go deep and see what you need to about what beliefs you have that create relationships not working out for you?
OK. To get into that place of willingness, I invite you to say this:
Now. Was there some form of physical abuse that happened to you in your family? If so, there is an issue of hatred that you need to clear. This has affected your first chakra which deals with being grounded, with family security, and also with the will to live. It would be important for you to do some healing work with the first chakra. The way you do this is to sit down each day for perhaps 15 minutes, in a quiet space, with eyes closed, as you would sit quietly in prayer or meditation, breathing slowly and deeply until you are very calm and relaxed. When you are relaxed, focusing your attention at the base of the tailbone, the coccyx area, you visualize a beautiful, glowing, fire engine red gently spinning wheel of light there, filling up that area. You ask that this chakra be restored, 100%, to perfect health, form, and fuctioning - that whatever needs to be restored, be restored, and whatever needs to be corrected be corrected.
Read Caroline Myss's book Anatomy of the Spirit - she explains all about what goes on in the different chakras, what they're about, and how we can heal the issues found there. It's very interesting reading.
It would also be good to support the healing of this charkra and these issues by ordering and using the red Aura-Soma pomander product for grounding, revitalizing, and re-energizing. Look up Aura-Soma on the Net to order it.
You speak in your letter about feeling betrayed, and that this woman also felt betrayed by you. How surprised are you that if you have a core issue that has to do with believing that you will be betrayed by those you love, that you will then create exactly that happening over and over again, until you change that belief? If you experienced some kind of abuse as a child, then it would make sense that you would believe that those you love, those closest to you, those whom you are supposed to be able to trust, will betray you in some way. That no matter how much you long for their love, it will never happen or work out. If you have this belief, then you will create relationships that can never work out. Already that has been happening for you - first with your wife and child, and then again with this woman. Do you see how the pattern of believing that betrayal will happen creates it happening? It's sort of like carrying around a virus (on the energetic level) that you may not even know you have. It's like an energy loop that you are caught in.
Look at it this way - if a fish has always lived in water, and that's all it knows - if it had never experienced anything other than being in water - and you asked it what water is, would it be able to tell you? No. It would not have any idea of water, as it had always been IN it, never separate from it - it had been living with it all its life. It would not be able to tell you or even recognize what water was unless you took it out of the water and said, "See, this is what it feels like not to be in water. You are now out of the water. Look back there. That's water, and this is you."
The same is true for you. You have swum in and been connected to this energy of betrayal all of your life - you don't know what it feels like to be separate from it. It's just always there with you as a part of you, like an arm or leg, and you don't even know it's there and not really a part of you. Therefore, you don't have a sense of how life could be without it. You haven't been removed from the water to see it, so to speak, or to see what it would feel like to live without it. It's just always been there, so you can't sense it. It's as if you had worn yellow glasses all your life and never taken them off. To you, seeing everything in the world as yellow would just be the way it was - you'd think that's how life looked and felt - until you realized you were wearing them and took them off. Then you'd see that there were other ways life could be. It's as if you've only had one color to paint with your whole life (the energy of betrayal is that color, what you've had to paint with), so all of your paintings come out that way.
Another issue that can show up with this belief in being betrayed or abused is a belief that you don't have a right to exist. This can lead to a loss of energy, feeling so exhausted and drained and of so little value that you experience a lack of ambition to move forward with your life.
Something that you can do to help heal this is the following. It's an exercise to heal a hole in the auric field:
I strongly invite you to read the Laws of the Universe information. Read it as many times as you need to until you really understand that we create our reality, and everything that happens in it, from beliefs we have going on inside of us. We create situations in our lives that are only mirrors for us - they serve as mirrors to show us whatever beliefs we, ourselves, have. This woman could only betray you, or feel betrayed by you, if that is an issue, an energetic pattern, you have inside yourself. You can only lose relationships if you believe that you can't have them, that they won't work out, which is what you saw in your own family, right? Do you believe that people will be unhappy in relationships, that homes will break apart? If you do, then that is what you will create from having that belief. Whatever we believe, that's what we will get back in our lives. No one ever does anything TO us - they just reflect back to us something we believe in. If you came into this life with a belief that you would be betrayed, or that homes will break apart, then that belief will create that reality for you. It's as if spirit is very polite and oblidging and lets us find things out for ourselves. Spirit will say: "OK. You can have what you believe in."
When we take full responsibility for what we believe - even if we didn't consciously realize we had that belief - then we can change it. We then can see that even our families were being mirrors for us, showing us what we believed about life, what beliefs we still had when we incarnated. If you had a belief that you would be betrayed, then you would create having a family to do that - in this way we have the great chance to see what we are believing, unless we remain unconscious of how it all works and choose to blame others. Then nothing changes. Only we, ourselves, can change what we believe in and therefore change what gets created from what we believe in. Got that? By seeing ourselves reflected back to us in whatever situations we are creating and experiencing in our lives, we receive a gift - once we see what we're doing, then we get to create it differently if we choose to. How our lives are is all up to us - not anyone else. And that is wonderful, because that is being empowered, and full of our own right to choose and to create, to become wise and clear, and to use that creative ability in the best way we know how.
So, everything we experience is our teacher, showing us something important that we need to see about ourselves and how we are going about living life. It's part of this soul journey we are all on that we all gather some mistaken beliefs along the way. As we grow in spiritual maturity and consciousnesss, we realize that we are here to learn how to create joyfully, to enjoy what we choose to create, in ways that cause no harm to ourselves or others. Having a false belief about ourselves or life causes pain, and as we grow we figure out how to create differently, how to have those thoughts and beliefs that create without causing us, or anything else, so much pain or difficulty. Learning about that is what it's all about, so we go through uncomfortable experiences and beliefs until we have enough data that we can choose to learn without that level of discomfort or pain.
It would be very important for you to work with the formula found in the Laws of the Universe for changing core beliefs - use it to change this belief you have about betrayal and not having a right to exist. You have a lot of pain and hatred stored up, and that needs to be safely released.
As for this woman that you are pining for - I think what you are really pining for is that something wonderful that seems to be "out there", full of love, and that won't betray you. You saw HER as everything you ever wanted or thought love would look like and be. So, you saw her as the answer to all the loneliness you feel, the place where maybe finally, you'd be safe and never again betrayed. She became LOVE. That's similar to a child having a favorite teddy bear and projecting all of their need for love and safety onto the bear - thinking that they are safe only if they have that bear. If someone throws the teddy bear out, they are bereft, because they think that's where their love and safety is. What you are really looking for, I think, is safety - the safety of finally being loved, having a love that can't be lost and that will "make" you happy. But that happiness and safety comes from understanding that that love must come, and can only come, from inside YOU. When you have clear beliefs to live by that work for your life, beliefs that allow you to trust love, when you know that first you must BE what you desire to have, then the relationships you create will not be based on a belief in betrayal. What would you like to believe about love and home and family? What would you like to believe (and create) instead of a belief in betrayal? In other words, when you look in a mirror (what life gives you back), you will only see what you already are, right? That is how it works to create what we desire. We grow it inside of us first. Then you will create relationships that match what you believe in.
Your safety, and your ability to have relationships where you are not betrayed, must come from you. You must clear up any false beliefs you've carried around,( knowing that whatever energy and belief patterns that you carry will be what comes back to you) and then you need to create new beliefs, new energy patterns. And that is what will get you what you are looking for. A healthy, clear, loving, and committed relationship. But most importantly, you will have that kind of relationship with yourself! So, choose to have energy and beliefs that create what you want. Find ways to develop love and trust inside yourself. Feel what it feels like to have that within you. Keep asking Spirit to show you how to embody those qualities, to develop them, and to safely release hatred and sadness and anger and fear. To do this, you also have to become more conscious - reading the Laws of the Universe will help you.