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"I feel deep-routed in my ego and endless chains of thoughts"

Hi Ayal,

I write this mail wondering if there is anything you could say to guide me out of this daily exercise of meditation (and introspection) I put myself through and whether this exercise is causing good in the first place.

I got introduced to meditation and a spiritual way of life just over an year ago when a friend gave me a book by Osho Rajneesh. Since then, I have read extensively on the topic of spirituality. Most of what I read initially was Osho's discourses on almost all topics and since then, I have picked up other authors as well. Currently I'm reading J. Krishnamurti.

I have also practiced meditation techniques and though I feel a center, sometimes, there is always the thought later 'did I really?'

The question which comes to mind is that the mind is so strong intellectually, that for every thought, there is a whole chain of thoughts that flow. If a chain stops, thoroughness forces another chain to begin. This may seem quite silly, but the thoughts just don't stop. I feel that every problem I have I need to take care of. There is also a lot of judgment which I try to let go of, but seldom succeed.

I worked with Gurdjieff's enneagram on the ego and found and identity with every type of ego and lacking myself in the following virtues with the following people/situations:

Serenity = Parents
Humility = Love Affairs
Truthfullness = Any work (though I put in hard work, I can't enjoy working for anyone else for money with fixed hours, but love working in freedom)
Equanimity = Religiousness
Detachment = Relating
Courage = Meeting new people/starting a conversation
Sobriety = Future (work, friends, life, etc)
Innocence = Judging self and others constantly
Action = Meeting people, making friends (I have a lot of friends and people like me a lot from my interactions with them)

I have also been going through the Transforming the Mind book and see myself making notes.

Am I very deep rooted in the ego? How do I respectfully allow the release of these thoughts. How do I ask a question when just the thought of asking the question sends the mind in a flutter and no relevant questions or a thousand questions altogether come to mind.

Thank you for just reading this mail, let alone sending me an answer to a question which I don't feel is even there.


Hi - what is showing up for you is an issue from something you experienced in the past. This is what appears to be blocking you. It has to do with a sibling. You felt cheapened, or less than, and I think that this is the cause of your difficulty. When we feel so strongly the need to take care of everything and every supposed "flaw" in ourselves, such as you are expressing, that comes from a belief that we are not good enough. As that is a false belief, it comes from the lower mind, not the Higher Mind, or God consciousness, and it is like a computer error or glitch.

I invite you to sit in meditation and ask: "What is the origin of this issue that causes me to believe that there is so much wrong with me?" You could also ask: " What is the origin of this belief that I feel compelled to take care of everything 'wrong' with me?"

Then, when you understand what this issue is about and where it came from, you can use the formula found in the Laws of the Universe to clear this core belief that you are not already perfect, or whatever else shows up for you around this issue. It may stem from a deep fear of being abandoned, and your mind got caught in that loop.

I also invite you to cut any cords that may still be attached to this past event, situation, or person. Very important to bring your energy into present time, knowing that all is perfect, and there is nothing you have to fix. If you already are God, and you live in that consciousness and understanding, then all you need to do is be in the enjoyment of the present moment that you are creating. Right now you are fighting the ego, and there is nothing, truly, to fight. When you embrace that the ego has a part to play in all of this, then you accept it. Fighting something just makes it persist. Your ego is there so that you can learn the lessons you came in to learn. If you see it as an ally and not an enemy, you will progress much more easily.

The mind is strong, and it does get caught in patterns that loop around and around. To break these patterns, you have to substitute new behaviors and ways of thinking. That's an act of will and discipline. You stop what you were doing, and you choose to do something else. You are not your mind - you are stronger than the mind, as you are all that God is, and the mind is only a small part of that. Clearing your root chakra, which deals with feeling physically and emotionally secure in the family, will help you. Every time you find yourself starting the old pattern of thinking you have to fix yourself, just go to your root chakra, which is located at the base of the spine at the coccyx, and visualize a beautiful, glowing red light there. Next, send a grounding core down into the earth, 3 feet deep. Then, just allow yourself to feel the energy of the earth flowing into you. Relax, and take an earth bath, basically.

A great meditation to do which will also deeply help you to clear and is a marvelous, easy, but profound method which enables one to not get caught in the mind, is this:

Imagine that there is a nose attached the middle of your forehead, and allow yourself to feel yourself breathing, inhaling and exhaling, through that nose. Then, on the exhale, chant the word "HU", which is an ancient name for God. Everytime you find yourself drifting off or thinking, go back to breathing through that nose on your forehead and chanting the word "HU" once on each exhale. Do this for at least 25 minutes each day.

Some polarity healing sessions would be good for you (find a good polarity therapist near you), as well as using some Aura-Soma products. I suggest that you use the sapphire pomander for lifting one out of suffering, and the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence, which brings the divine into one's everyday life. You can order these by looking up Aura-Soma on the Net.

Blessings, Ayal

next 153. "Despite much work on myself I feel unloveable and unworthy"

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