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Clearing the Way

"Despite much work on myself I feel unloveable and unworthy"

Hi Ayal,

I am feeling pretty stuck still and so wondered if I could get a push. I've sent you a check for $20 to honor your work and hope you can help me find some inner peace that I'm needing.

I've been working on myself nonstop for a long time. It's been pretty challenging to do anything consistently. I can't seem to figure out "why and how" to keep trying (today especially) and seem tired that every day is so much work for me to stay up (if I can at all). I'm from a very negative environment and have distanced myself from those that I felt were hurtful, but in the present it would seem that I don't need anyone else to make me miserable.... I'm doing a great job. My constant need for externals has continued, but the external things aren't creating any peace. I have all this information in my mind, but no adult at the helm steering the boat. I feel alone and lost most of the time. I cling to people and reject them depending on my current moodswing. Not too many friends have stuck it out.

I've went through a complete hormone bloodworking testing through an MD who does hormone replacement therapy. I'm actually dealing with some depression about it. Like even if all those pills help, will I have to continue to take so many pills forever? I'm feeling sick and polluted, and yet I'm still unable to find the self-worth necessary to give up the habit of smoking pot. It seems to be the only thing that relieves my stressful moodswings.... but of course my rational mind knows that it's not the answer. I've considered throwing myself into treatment, but I don't have the money for the co-pay. I'm thinking of asking a distant family member to pay that for me..... but I can't think of why they would.

I've been diagnosed with Crohn's disease a really long time ago and I went through a similar depression after getting out of the hospital. All those pills were so much to handle by myself. My family wasn't involved and the current boyfriend was hardly supportive; so I ended the relationship. I still haven't been able to create a safe relationship for me and that is seriously depressing. Like I'm too much work for anyone to help me and stay with me. I seem addicted to my sadness, though I do work hard at keeping a steady flow of healthy activity. But it does feel forced.

I've been studying Qi Gong...... You'd think that practicing that type of healing art work would make me a more positive person, instead I'm so in judgment about myself that relaxing isn't so easy. I feel good some of the time, but am starting to feel internal toxicity.... in fact I'm fearful that I'm killing myself with lack of self love. My chest and midback hurt every day. Granted that I'm going through some postural restructuring, but the being in pain part constantly is really sad. I broke my back when I was 16 (now 36) and during depression had allowed bad posture to slouch me forward. Well, I've been reworking that whole area, but I'm tired. I would like to feel more peace. I don't seem to find joy in every day things anymore. I'm grateful for my dayjob and night massage job to fill that time, but always sense that I'm filling time, not being creative of my dreams. I even feel claustrophobic around my cats.... they need more than I feel I can give. I can't seem to handle any of my attachments.

Along with my Qi Gong weekly classes, there's an upcoming Zen Qi Gong 5 day workshop. In lieu of treatment (can't seem to get money), I'm going to this weekend workshop. Sometimes it seems like I do good to set up positive things for myself, but then feel cruddy, so don't follow through. That's been happening a lot lately..... make a plan for the day or hour, then not be sure if that's really what I want to do, or if it will make me feel better.

Seems like I don't know where I belong..... Like sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to go somewhere else and maybe that's why I don't feel like I fit in here. But I have no idea where that would be...... Or maybe I'm supposed to be comfortable wherever I am.... like learn a lesson (which lesson??). Either way, I don't feel like I belong....

Thank you for being a channel. I sometimes feel a lot of guilt about not being ready...... Like perhaps I block my destiny with unreal fears.... I really have been taught some really strong tools..... Why can't I help myself?? Please help me relax and enjoy this earth trip. I feel so unlovable and unworthy. Seems like I'm not enough to make me do things for..... Daily lacking self-motivation. What a whiner I am, too!! Perhaps I should be giving myself a few days after my period to write, but these issues are real even though I'm feeling them more strongly today).

I'm still living next door to my ex-whatever.... we were never a particular item, he doesn't feel that way.... ocassionally we are sexual, but it leaves me feeling more sad and alone (so basically we hardly ever). I'm having difficulty in detaching from him. These situations have been around so long, they are my fault for not doing something different. It seems like I care for him and keep going along like some idiot. Insanity saying fits here. (I'm actually pretty proud of him going back to school and doing things to better himself, sad that he can't see that in me too).

Hi - first of all, you do need to get your hormonal balance back in order. Some of this is hormonal. Secondly, you need to get the magenta Aura-Soma product for protecting the aura and use it every day.You can order that at srutisrainbow@yahoo.com or look up Aura-Soma on the net. 60% of these difficulties you are having is coming from picking up energy from others. Every time you sleep with this ex-boyfriend you are connecting big time to his problems. I invite you to stop doing that immediately. Thirdly, you need to say this prayer 3 times a day for 3 months, and then as needed, probably once a day from then on:

"Mother-Father God and Holy Spirit, Assist me by disconnecting all energy connections from me to others and from others to me. Thank you."

Also say this:

"I am in accordance with my Divine Life Path and access balance, integration, and congruency, on all levels. This includes: conscious mind, body/mind genetics, subconscious mind, environ-mind, maya-mind, parallel mind, planetary conscious mind." Say this twice a day for 2 months.

Also, say this twice a day for 2 months:

"All the parts of me that got something out of having these problems are healing now. I allow myself to have and intend complete healing."

Then allow yourself to have the feeling of feeling good. Just begin to allow yourself to remember it. If you have trouble doing so, state your intention that

"I am now 100% willing to remember, and I intend remembering, feeling totally healthy in my body, mind, and soul."

I invite you to do some healing work with a technique that can be found on the net for information about it at adhumanitas.com/pages/CFDoldstudents.html. Find a practitioner near you, or travel to do this work. You need to travel.

Do you use the white light to clear your space? If not, do so, 3 times a day.

Blessings, Ayal

152. "How do I 'hear' the guidance of my soul?"


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