"How can I get back the man that I love?"
I'm a 29 year old gay male living in Maryland. Back in February I met a young boy who was 17 at the time. He lived in Michigan and found me in a chatroom. He was a cutie, but I did my best to keep distance because I knew he was too young. Well one day he finally got to me. I began to listen to what he had to say and before long I had developed this attachment to him. We spoke on the phone all the time and after a while it blossomed further. Against my own reservations and other people's I went and flew to meet him one month before his 18 birthday. I was 28 at the time. Well, from the moment we met it was magical for both of us. The weekend flew by quickly and before I knew it he whispered in my ear that he thinks he is falling in love with me. Strange thing was, I was already headed that way myself. We had been speaking for months before we ever met.
I went home after a long weekend with him. We then spoke more and more until the next month whereas I was going to visit him again. He was turning 18 and he wanted me as his gift. Another incredible 4 day weekend with the man I loved.
The next trip was on him. He was to fly to Baltimore for 9 days. During those 9 days I had gotten us front row seats to see his Idol and planned so many wonderful things. We talked about him living here for the summer with me. 3 days after he drove back here to live for the summer. I helped him get a part time job and he even joined my gym. We spent almost every moment we could together. Everything seemed perfect. He told me time and time again how much he loved me. How beautiful I was inside and out. Everyone could see the love we had for each other. Things began to change a couple of weeks towards the end of the summer.
See he grew up from a broken home as did I. He had an alcoholic father who beat him and his mother was emotionally unavailable placing high demands on him. He had to grow up quickly. I also had an alcoholic father and a mother who was overprotective and often smothering. I always had issues with my own self. I never thought I was good enough for anyone either. I always workout and try to improve my self image.
You take two insecure people and put them together along with the 10 year age difference and problems are bound to arise. Well they did.
I would always look at other people when we worked out and have friendships with people I've loved and dated. He was always so jealous and scared of losing me He always told me he didn't feel like he was good enough for me. All the reassurances in the world didn't seem to be good enough. See I always compare myself to others and I was always fearful of losing him. He told me I never paid enough attention to him. He saw all the negative. He allowed this negativity and insecurity in himself to ruin our relationship. He started falling out of love, yet never said a word to me. He kept it inside and would cry at times. All I did was love him and try to make him see how beautiful he was. He finally confronted me 3 days before he was to go back home for school. He said he didn't know what he wanted, that he was scared, felt like he wasn't ready to committ. Strange thing was I had no clue where this was coming from. He told me he's never loved anyone more than me, and that I was all he ever wanted in someone.
I drove to see him 2 weeks after he left and tried to salvage our relationship. I was so emotionally distraut. See I've never loved anyone so much in my entire life. He gave me the love I needed. I felt like I had found a soulmate. Someone who I could relate to and make happy because he made me happy.
Well by the time I got back to see him, all we could do is argue. We made love and that intimacy was there, but something was missing. He turned into someone I didn't really know. He kept acting like nothing was wrong, but it was. He completely turned his back on me without warning. I was desperate and I tried everything to convince him that I loved him and would never hurt him.
These past 6 weeks I've lost 12 lbs due to anxiety and I've been in a deep depression over this. He's met someone else and won't even give us a chance. It's like he won't go back. He tells me to move on, but how can I forget the love of my life? How can I forget those memories. How can I stand to let go of the hope that one day he'll be back in my life. I cry and I cry over this. He wants to be my friend, and I'm trying but it's so hard. All I want is a chance to prove to him how much I love him. I feel like I've lost him.
Isn't there anything I can do at this point? How can I even try to get back the man that I have loved more than anyone on this earth? How do I move on when I can't even imagine my life without him in it. Is there even a chance I would get him back? How do I get through to him? Can't he see the qualities he once saw in me which drew him to me?
How can so much love just disappear? How can he shut me out when before he loved me so much. I feel like he's moved on to this other guy because he's scared of being alone. Do you think if I waited around and stayed his friend, that if this relationship he's in doesn't work that maybe he'd see those qualities in me again, knowing I never left his side. That I was there when he needed me just like always?
Any advice would be helpful. Even recommended reading on inadequacy. It's like I want to be able to help him and help myself.
Hi - well, I think that the gift of this experience for you is that you are seeing your issues very clearly reflected back to you from this person you love. Both of you have, as you mentioned, deep insecurities about being loved and being good enough. This is a core belief difficulty, and needs to be transformed using the formula for changing core beliefs found in The Laws of the Universe. You asked: how can so much love disappear? Well, love doesn't disappear, but it can be denied or run from. Relationship means that you face yourself in the mirror. Your friend just wasn't ready to deal with himself yet, so he left and began the cycle all over again - and that's ok. We have to honor other people's timing - we can't ask someone to walk before they're ready to. But we can choose to walk, ourselves.
I do hear your pain with this, and it is an old, childhood pain. It comes from the fear of not being loved due to, as you said, living in a family where you could never count on their love or stability. You probably ended up believing that the reason they didn't or couldn't love you was because you were bad, or not good enough. If we believe this, it is like having a deep chasm of terror at the core of our being - and most people are afraid to go there and shed light into that cavern. When you do, you see it for what it truly is - a false belief. The fact is, they did love you, but they were so caught up in their own pain and illusions that they started drowning it in alcohol rather than face it and get through it. Now it's time for the adult you to really get that and change the patterns within you, patterns that are deeply ingrained due to believing this for so long.
The issue here for you is learning to understand and trust that Love just IS - that Love is all there is, although it can get hidden behind the illusions people get caught in. It is very important that you get in touch with the truth that Love is generated from the inside out - that kind of Love is a Love that you walk within, like walking within a ray of sunlight. That kind of Love simply feels great and radiates Love inward and outward just because that is what we are made of. That kind of Love is not dependent on someone else loving us, or finally feeling safe or worthwhile because we feel loved by someone else. It is the kind of ultimate Love that is at the center of your being and is truly What You Are.
Up until now, you haven't trusted that you are worth loving, and that kind of belief can only create situations such as you just experienced, where you get abandoned and re-experience that old childhood drama and trauma - and the belief plays itself out and says: "See, I told you you weren't enough." That is a false belief. You ARE enough - the challenge is: how to get yourself to believe it. As long as you depend on someone else to prove it to you by loving you, it will never work. Your own belief sytstem will create for you what you are believing about yourself. So, change the belief. If it isn't Love, it isn't Real. So, this belief that you aren't good enough to be loved is an illusion. Start there. Every time that thought intrudes, replace it with a true thought. Every time.
Just say to it: "I realize where you came from, and I also recognize that you are an illusion. You aren't real. I now choose to believe this."
You can also use the power of intention to make these changes. Say: "I now willingly intend releasing, 100%, the belief that __________, and I now intend believing _____________." Twice a day for 2 months would be good. You must create and generate for yourself the FEELING, strongly, of Loving yourself. When you truly and deeply feel it, you've created it.
You are still coming from the little child place who believes that he needs to be loved by someone in order to survive, and you are putting all of your energy into an outside, external source instead of realizing that you are the source of that love - loving yourself has to come first. When you have your own inner support system instead of an external one, then a healthy, loving relationship can get created from that. It will simply be a mirror then, for what you already have. Which is how life works.
By going to and depending on an external source as you have done, and by being so devastated by the loss of it, you are continuing the addictive pattern you saw in your family. How surprised would you be that you came into this life to release addictive behavior and learn to trust your own godself as your support system? Creating being born into a family of addictive people tells me that you are choosing to face this issue in yourself. They were your mirrors for that issue in yourself. Read the Laws of the Universe, and use the formulas there to change beliefs. It will help a lot, and you will feel great. Nice to be your own sunbeam, isn't it? Your own source of energy.
Many blessings- Ayal