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"What am I doing wrong that my daughter will not forgive me?"

Dear Ayal,

My question concerns adult mothers and daughters... in particular, myself, age 50 and my only daughter age 31. I live in CA, am divorced, in pretty good health except I smoke, and lead a fairly quiet life. On the other side of America my daughter lives with her husband and 8 month old daughter. Our problems have been ongoing since her father and I divorced when she was still in gradeschool. There was a period of time she lived with her father in another state and I was unable to "be there" for her, physically and emotionally. From 1981 thru 1988 I was a drug user on a daily basis trying to numb myself from my fiance's suicide. I was not reliable, available for her, nor was I aware of how I was causing her deep pain.

When she was in high school, her father remarried and my daughter reached out for her step mother. A short time later she wrote me telling me she wanted me to "sign papers" so she wouldn't be my daughter anymore. That is when I woke up to what my behavior was doing to my child. I travelled to Oregon to straighten out our issues and ask her forgiveness. She wasn't interested... who could blame her? I went there again for her graduation... we never even spoke once. She moved to CT right after graduation. When we did communicate by phone she was very polite to me, avoided conversation other than the "How are you? I am fine" kind, and spoke constantly of "her parents, her Mom." Of course that hurt... but what more did I deserve? I would hang up and cry for hours... I don't know how she was affected.

She got married in 1994. I found out when her brother and his wife slipped up and mentioned "The Wedding" when we were talking. It had happened 2 months before I was told. I hadn't of course been invited. That really hurt but I tried not to let her know or anyone else for that matter. I thought when she gave birth to her daughter it might be the event that would bring some understanding between us and could move us closer to some sort of healing.

Our conversations became more frequent and the strain between us didn't feel so strong. We laughed and talked about the baby and her when she was an infant. It felt so good. I got a phone call several days ago from my son in law. He thought I "should know" that my daughter's appendix had burst about a week ago, she had surgery and had been on the road to recovery. But now was back in the hospital due to a massive internal infection. He was upset that no one in the family had bothered to inform me of any of this and he thought her "real mother" should know, and had gone against my daughter's express wishes as well as her Dad and step mother's by telling me. I was afraid for my daughter and wanted to fly to CT immediately. I called her at the hospital as soon as she was admitted and in her room. She was ADAMANT she did not want me to come, saying she had all her family there and she was just fine. She was distant and cold... she was also sick so that may be why she sounded so cold.

My question is this: what am I doing wrong? I have tried for so long and so hard and have been consistent in my efforts. Will she ever forgive me? I miss her so much and long for her in my life.


Hi - thank you for sharing and asking for, creating for yourself, a way to clear this painful experience.

If I were to say to you, "What is your daughter being a mirror of for how you treat yourself?" - what would you tell me?

If I were to ask you, "What would you have to be radiating or feeling about yourself in order to have that mirrored back to you from your daughter?" - what would you tell me?

If I were to ask you, "What feeling do you want your daughter to give back to you?" - what would you say?

If I were to ask you, "What feeling, then, must you give or have within yourself, in order to get that mirrored back to you from your daughter?" - what would you tell me?

Before you read on, think about and answer these questions.

Now - if you answered "blame" or "shame" or perhaps "self hatred" to the first two questions, you are on the right track.

Here is an excerpt from The Laws of the Universe: I hope that you have either already read the information offered in the Laws, or will choose to read it, many times, from now on. It's great stuff and if you choose to clear this issue up, it will show you the way:

The number one addiction to an erroneous core belief, what keeps you stuck in it, comes from feeling guilt ( which is blame) and shame. That's what makes us not want to see these issues as ( or in) our self. In reality, there is no shame, or need to feel blame, or guilt. There is only growth and Love. If you treat yourself lovingly, you will be able to see that when you face an issue in yourself, you have the chance to become even clearer, ever more loving. And that is the perfection of the journey, of what we experience, of seeing ourselves in the mirror.

You must claim it to change it.

For you, Diane, isn't your core belief about yourself that you need to blame or hate yourself, that you believe that you are "wrong" - as you said: "What am I doing 'wrong'?" As long as you believe that you are "wrong" - or bad - which means then, doesn't it, that you do not believe that you are a loving person who is either capable or able to give love. It also means then, that you do not deserve to receive love back, right? Isn't that the core belief? Guess what you will create being mirrored back to you, then?

Here is the cycle of an erroneous core belief loop:

  1. You feel guilty.
    *** For you, Diane - you are still into blame - blaming yourself.

  2. You judge something or someone, including yourself.
    *** "What have I done "wrong?" "I was selfish, a bad mother," etc.

  3. You feel guilty (you feel shame) about doing that.

  4. Then you become fearful that you will be punished (since a "bad' person is punished, right?).
    *** You have created being punished, right? Not being invited to the wedding, or being with her when she is so ill, etc - all the painful things you've gone through with your daughter "rejecting" you. Really, if you truly desire to heal this, what you need to see and heal is that that's only a mirror of how you have rejected yourself by thinking you are bad.

  5. You feel shame, and you hide it all away so you're not aware the issue is really even there, that it's yours.
    *** You don't show anyone how you feel - thinking that is the right thing to do, but it is still hiding your truth from yourself and others - which is still a form of shame

  6. In order to get away from the shame, or deal with it in some way, you blame others. This is called projection. You put it out on someone or something else.
    *** You project your desire to love yourself onto your need for your daughter to love you

  7. You feel guilty about doing that and the loop goes on.

So - How to re-program an old belief:

  1. Own the fear or pattern. See how you react to a given situation - look at what you are afraid of. Ask: "What keeps me believing in that fear? What will happen if I let go of it? What is the pay off for keeping it? What do I get to do or not do if I keep the fear?"

  2. Decide if this pattern serves you anymore. Decide if you want to keep the program, or change it. If you decide to keep it, observe why, without judgment.

  3. If you decide to change it, decide what you want to change it to, exactly. Be specific. You must have a new belief, a choice for a new perception. If you choose to believe in a new reality, you eliminate fear.

  4. Put out your intention - with full, heartfelt feeling, feeling it already in every cell of your being, knowing that what you intend to create is already so. State your new reality in the form of "I Am _________" or "I now fully allow myself and intend being _____." or "I now intend feeling _________" " or "I now fully, willingly intend creating _________" or "I now intend knowing that I Am". You can even state how you will do it, step by step. Your intention must be followed by complete willingness.

  5. Ask Spirit, your Highest Self, for guidance or help or grace, to achieve the new intention.

This creates Joy, Growth, Freedom!! What could be better than that? Worth doing the work to get it?

Fears have supported us, and we tend to want to hold onto them through our anger or other emotional reactions because it's the only way of life we've known. Fears can be survival tools, but will keep you locked in a lower vibration that doesn't help your life.

These are energy sucking ways of behaving, out of fear: Being aloof. Being an interrogator ("Who did this?! Why did you....?! Didn't you realize that...?!" etc.). Being an intimidator (energy makes others feel afraid of you - backing people down). Being someone who creates confusion for others (gets them off center). Being a "poor me."

So - for you Diane - if your daughter has not yet reflected love back to you, what does that tell you about how you feel about yourself? You are still punishing yourself, judging yourself for not being a good mother or person, someone who could love. Such statements as "Who could blame her for for not wanting to be around me?" etc. reveal that - and as long as you are choosing to blame yourself, your daughter will reflect that. She can only play the role in your life that you are asking her to play for you, which, right now, is to continue to punish yourself. If you truly desire to connect with her in Love, then you must develop Love and compassion for yourself. You were doing the best you could back then - your journey is all about learning to love, and, when you and your daughter were younger, you were where you were with that process, as she is where she is now with the process of learning to love and be compassionate for another person's journey and the courage they face it with.

As she becomes a mother, she will learn more love and compassion along the way, from her child, as you did. Don't you still love her even though she is in this process of learning to Love? Her heart has been closed to love, too, and she, as a soul, must be the one to learn and grow from that. You are both mirrors for this in one another. That is her responsibility to open to love, as it is yours to open to love within yourself. She's here to get the same lesson you are. How about that? Has she accomplished it yet? Doesn't she still have a ways to go, as you do - and aren't you still loving her and being compassionate to her even though she is creating difficult lessons for herself (illness, etc) in order to learn love along her journey? Can you do the same for yourself?

So, you see, you are both in each other's lives to learn about Love. You are great teachers for one another. And that in itself is an Act of Love. Do you see that you do Love, as you ARE still there for her, willing to have played a difficult role in her life, as she is doing for you, despite whatever she is going through? Love is the only thing there truly is, even if we make ourselves believe that we don't have it. We do. We ARE that.

Have you ever been around a perrson who radiates a sense of Love and good feelings? Isn't it delighful to be around them? Doesn't it magnetize that out of you as well, and don't you want to then give that back to them, to participate in that, as it feels so good?

On the opposite side, have you ever been around a person who feels terrible about themselves? Can you really connect with or share mutually with them in a simply joyful, loving way? Do they have anything that you want to participate in - unless you also feel terrible about yourself, and it's then a mirrored state of misery that is shared? No. They can't let Love in or share that feeling because they don't know what it feels like within themselves yet.

How surprised would you be that when you no longer choose to radiate blame and guilt, your relationship with your daughter will undergo a remarkable transformation? And, to be fully honest with you, Diane, as I truly get that you DO want a loving connection with your daughter, you will have to give up being a "poor me." That is really at the core of all of this - your blaming yourself is still a way to keep yourself a victim - victimized - a way to continue feeling bad, in pain, and hating yourself. You are actually victimizing yourself, abandoning yourself. If you accepted yourself, you'd give yourself the Truth of who you really are, which is a being of pure Love. So, you have already abandoned yourself - so, once again - guess what your daughter mirrors back to you? Yup. abandonment. You believe that you are not good enough, you think you never did it good enough, deserve to be ostracized and cut off and punished. And, so you manifest that. The universe will continue to show you where you're at in the process. It does that out of Love, because if you can't see it, you can't shift it to something that truly feels great.

I know that experiencing this is terribly painful. So, how about choosing love instead? I hear that you are now ready to do that. The thing is, you have to turn it around. It isn't from your daughter that you need Love - it's from yourself to yourself. Then all the rest will come to you. If you can't give love to yourself, how can you connect with your daughter in true, authentic love? Won't you still be sucking energy off of her if you come to her still not knowing how to radiate or be in the energy of what Love really is? Won't you be asking for it from her and still not giving it? Isn't that the same old pattern that caused so much pain for you both in the first place? That, right there, is where you still play at being a victim (being in fear) instead of a Creator (committing to, choosing to create Love). Got that? Think about it a while.

When you get that - and choose to have that and live that way for yourself - like living within a ray of sunshine that spreads its light everywhere without even thinking about it - it just is what it is and it feels wonderful - you will then be truly Loving your daughter and not asking her to do it for you. You will just share it because it exists and just IS. And she will feel it and respond. That is true Loving with a capital "L". Needy conditional loving is with a little "l". Loving with a capital "L" just loves without wanting it back from another, without any attachment or strings or needing it from another. Then, it's in its pure form, and others can give back freely because you are not demanding that they give it TO you in any way, shape, or form. They don't feel bound up or trapped by your need. You have no neediness, because you have already given it to yourself. That is how Loving yourself is also a true gift of loving others. If you go to her "needing" her in any way to love you, you are taking from her.

So, your challenge here is to learn to live in Love, to BE Love, to Love yourself - to be a self generator of love, as the sun generates a beautiful day by just being, and all get to bask within it.

So, what do you choose?

Read the Laws. It will help you shift.

Many blessings, Ayal


Thank you, Ayal, for such a quick reply to my question(s). I am still "digesting" what you have written and have been wrestling with the victim thing... I never thought of myself as being a victim type until reading your email... it was a difficult thing to see in myself or even to acknowledge when the examples you pointed out were so obvious! Then I turned to my poetry and read them over and "discovered" I'd even titled one piece "victim"!

We ALL have the place where we play victim (it's an archetypal energy we all have the opportunity to transform and work through as part of this game of evolution), although it is initially hard to see it, and harder yet when first we realize that we have been playing one. But, you're not alone with this. We all go through playing the victim until we are ready to evolve and embrace the power of being the Creator. That's what some of the Bible stories (Christian mythology) deal with, as well as the mytholgies of every religion and culture. Look at the story of Adam and Eve - they go into being victims when they leave the Garden of Eden - which to me is simply symbolic of the soul's journey: first we're God, and we are in perfect bliss, undifferentiated, but, we find that we desire to grow, to go through more experiences. So, we incarnate. When we incarnate, we leave behind for a while the knowledge of being God. We forget that we are truly Divine Intelligence inhabitating a body in order to learn and grow - and we need to forget for a while in order to have the experiences we came in to get. But, the journey then becomes about remembering who we truly are - going back to our Source, knowing we are "God", and then as we embrace the power of creating once again, we move out of being a victim.

I had never considered the way I come off to my daughter until today... I thought I was being so non-pressuring and undemanding of her... which leads right into: have I been loving my daughter because I love her? Or have I been loving her to get her love?? How smug I've been when I've spoken of unconditional love!

Yes - I went through that too - I thought I was such a loving being, and when I really began going deeper, I saw that what I thought was loving, and how I was, wasn't that at all. It was fear based, and victim based. And I was so shocked! Horrified, actually, for a while. But now I look at it this way: I don't blame myself for being in 3rd grade when that's where I am. In each grade, we learn more than we did in the grade before. We do it stage by stage, level by level. If we did it all at once, we'd not be able to hold all of that understanding. It's only by learning what there is in that grade that we move on to the next and can learn more. So, being horrified was still blaming myself and not loving myself - not accepting or trusting that there is a perfect timing to what we learn and when we learn it. And trust is a huge part of Love, because it means not living in fear, and knowing that all is God. Including oneself.

Your email has given me a lot to think about... and it has also presented me with an image of myself I'd never considered before.

Just the stuff you're working through - not who you truly are. But, important to see nonetheless and transform it into clearer energy. The Hindu image is of a lotus that begins in the fertile, rich mud at the bottom of the pond but grows, eventually coming to rest upon the surface of the water, bathed in light, to become this gorgeous, many petaled being. That's pretty much how it is. We all start with our full potential, who we are, seeded in us, and we grow into it. I recognize the courage and honesty you have to be so willing to see these things and to take them so deeply, and deal with them. Take a look at that. That is who you are.

I cried the entire time I was reading what you had written... it was like not realizing the things I project to others but at the same time a feeling of being "caught" or "found out". Lots to digest here.

Crying is a great release of much stored up sadness. I'm glad that you are allowing yourself to cleanse and release that. And, when you have released it, there is room for another way to look at that which could also be - you are free to be free of it now - not having to hide it away anymore. Not having to carry it as a burden. Hurrah!! Watch where you still go into shame, and then let it go and see if you can look at it differently. Get a new perspective on it based on Love.

When we truly face ourselves, or what in ourselves we are here to learn about and transform, it is like taking an empty plot of earth and fertilizing it and listening deeply, attuning to it, asking it what it is desiring to be, and then turning it into a beautiful garden (like how the story goes of how God made Adam - it's a great analogy for how the creative, transformative process works!). When we choose to grow, and we see the beauty of Creating ourselves, we have nothing to hide away from, from ourselves or from others - we have become so willing to grow something of beauty, that being vulnerable, seeing what we need to do, becomes a joy of creating. Like making a painting or a poem even more refined. So, no one else (including ourselves) can tell us something that causes shame or guilt or blame because we use it as a gift - a mirror - we want to transform and grow - and we use what we see about ourselves as great fertilizer. We know that that process is about creating more and more Love, more Grace, more Beauty, more Kindness - and we choose that.

I will do as you suggested and read the Laws. I will think about everything you have written. I don't know how to live in love... I would like to learn... I want to feel joy again.

Wonderful choices!

Thank you for listening and for the hope and for making things a bit clearer than they have been in a long time.

I can only give you what your soul has asked for - so, you're welcome - but the thanks goes to you as well. You created this experience, and I got to play this role for you. I'm honored.

next 140. "I feel split between my financial and spiritual needs"

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