"I feel numb in my heart and my body"
I feel that I am suffering from severe depression. It is at the point where my life is being affected: I don't want to go to work, I have almost no friends left, I have chronic fear when it comes to relationships... I don't know what to do. I feel numb in my heart and my body. I feel that my greatest enemy is my mind, and if I don't sort these feelings out that I might commit suicide. I need help desperately.
Hi - thank you for writing in. I certainly hear your pain and despair. So, let's go for it and clear it up.
Depression is a state where you are hiding from certain things in yourself that you need to face, and it takes so much energy to keep those fears down that your energy level drops to a very low place. It's as if the fear paralyzes you and everything in your life. Have you ever tried to keep a beachball or other ball underwater? If you have, you know how much energy it takes to try to hold it down. It wants to constantly pop up, but it takes all your energy to keep pushing and pushing it down until you are worn out. That's what's going on in a state of depression. It is taking all of your energy to keep yourself from facing certain things that you need to face. Often, the things we need to face happened to us so early on, some trauma or thoughts and decisions we made about life as children, some fear we hid away, that we don't even know they're there, so we can't find them to bring them up to the surface. We established strategies to keep these things hidden away because they were too painful, and we didn't know how to deal with them except to hide them deep away inside ourselves somewhere, like locking them in a deep, dark cave.
But, a time comes when it is the right time and you have what it takes to deal with them and transform these painful experiences and untruths and let the light of day shine on them and dissolve them, like mist in the sun. And so, like the ball in the water, they try to pop up so you can deal with them. How about letting them do that, and come to the surface, so you can love yourself by exploring them and letting them evolve and change into something wonderful and better for you?
You are needing to face some issues that deal with karma from a past life. There is some unfinished business there. When we don't complete a lesson we came in to learn in another life, then we carry those issues over into our next one. I suggest that you find a good past life therapist who can take you back to see what needs to be understood and transformed. The totally amazing thing about ourselves and our connection to our Higher Self is that as soon as we ask to see something, it starts being revealed to us. The trick is to know what to ask for, and how to ask for it (without fear, just knowing that that's what you are going to do and that's what's happening!). Yogananda, an enlightened master, once said that when we come before the throne of God (so to speak) to ask for something, we must come as a Prince (or Princess) with that dignity of bearing, knowing full well we are deserving of the kingdom.
Also, it would be very important for you to do some work with a therapist or someone who specializes in taking you back to remember your birth and work out some issues associated with your birth. I know that a wonderful practitioner named Emerson does this work, and if you look up birth work or his name, or perhaps re-birthing on the Net, you will in all likelihood find what you need to do this work. It seems that you came in with an issue that my sources term "the gutter ball", which is where you have a subconscious program in there that tells you you will always fail. It's a subconscious program for failure. I think you may be able to get in touch with this in both your past life work and the birth work. Along with this issue are other issues, such as feeling lost because you believed that you were discarded, rejected, and so forth. These beliefs would generate some strong emotions to transform, such as deep anxiety, anger, and loneliness.
So, this is some big stuff to deal with! No wonder you have been feeling down. All of this is just energy, Ish, and energy is a malleable thing, that can be transformed once you make the decision to change it and know in what direction to go. I like to think of working with energy like working with clay, except much, much lighter to do. When you work with clay, and you create a shape or something that doesn't appeal to you, all you do is add water to it, mush it around, think of what you now choose to make, and then shape it again. And the Earth is all energy too, so, this analogy totally fits.
To support you in this, your body needs some help and support as well. It would be good for you to get some cleansing going for your gallbladder, which deals with self respect, and also some work on your lower vertebrae, with a good chiropractor.
You can also begin this process of healing these old, painful beliefs by stating your intention that this program for failure is now completely, 100% released from your being, on every level, easily, gently, lovingly, and gracefully released. You say it something like this: "I am now willing, ready, I allow, and intend releasing 100% this belief that _________ ."
Then you put in what it is that you choose to experience instead: "I now fully intend experiencing and feeling _________ ."
Put your whole heart into saying these intentions, not from fear, but from the knowledge that you are the Creator of your life and can create anything that you choose for yourself, from a place of Love, and choice. As a Prince.
It would also be great and important for you to start doing some writing or painting to get this stuff moving for you.
Many blessings!! Ayal