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"I desire to touch life and do good but feel blocked"

Wonderful site! Thank you for making such wonderful contributions to the lives of so many people.

I was reading one of your emails (question20.html) as the question presented is one that I often ask myself. "How can I best serve the Highest Good?"

As I read your reply, what hit home most in me was your notes about ego. I live a very internally peaceful life - over the past few years nearly all my energy has been focused on remembering myself and I feel as though I'm at somewhat of a theshold. My greatest desire is to sincerely touch life... all life... and I consciously create that experience every single day... but sometimes... I notice I have a blockage. It isn't always apparent - in fact, sometimes, seems non-existent... but other times, this blockage (which I believe to be in the third chakra) is a big agitator to my greatest desire.

I have a hard time communicating in social settings. I never used to (besides childhood), but after remembering so much about the Universe, I usually lack the ability for simple, idle chat. Or what has been referred to as "folly". This has become uncomfortable, at times, because I am told that I have an attractive energy, but when people are attracted to talk to me, I don't have much to say - therefore deadening the conversation / relational growth. However, if I am talking with someone, one on one, about some heartfelt issue, I can chat till dawn.

I guess what it boils down to, is that I feel somewhat "alone" but not lonely. I love to observe the interaction of all these people in social settings, but, most the time, I can't relate to the level of interaction they are playing. I wish this wasn't so... for I truly enjoy people.

So I figure this is some sort of blockage. I do catch myself, at times, wondering how I am being perceived... and I'll also catch myself holding a certain "posture" as to present a certain image. And I know that I have no need for that... I do love myself... and everything else, unconditionally. And I mean NO conditions, from the very center of my being.

So, socially, what tends to happen is I wander around town (small town) observing the beauty of everything around me. I love music... and when I dance or play my drums, I do so with the freedom of my Spirit. Everyone knows me in town - and I meet new people every day (coastal town - a lot of transients) - but I just wish that as much as I love everyone so unconditionally, I could also interact unconditionally. I would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Divine Peace, Love and Light to you, with the Highest Intentions

Hi - thanks for your lovely letter. I can really relate to what you are sharing. I too, in the past, had a hard time relating to what I considered idle chit chat, and all I seemed to be able to share in or feel comfortable with was what I termed "spiritual" conversations. Very limiting, and definitely issues of insecurity, safety, fear, power, and control were going on. What I came to realize however (which, when I realized what the issue was, and where it originated, allowed me to shift it), was that I was needing to do that because of the role I had assigned myself at a very very young age - that of "the healer", or "fixing people", and it came from an old, old program of thinking I had to take care of others - from a co-dependent place, really, that developed early in childhood and ran in the family as well. So, yes, I think that there probably is a blockage or program going on for you, for whenever we find ourselves uncomfortable, that's a clue that there is something internal to look at.

Even by calling something idle chit chat, there is a judgment going on, making that "less than" something else, which it isn't, actually, as all energy is Love in some form. Every moment, no matter what its content, is an opportunity to share in and be present in Love, to radiate and receive Love. To open to see the beauty, as you so aptly described, of what is really going on in that moment. Every moment therefore, no matter what is involved, is a wonderful opportunity and teaching. Once we see that and relate to it from that standpoint, all interactions are as wonderful, as rich and profound and meaningful as any other - it simply depends on the Love and receptivity with which we approach it. So - since, as I believe, all judgments come from fear, there is something here for you to play with. Here it is.

What showed up for you was a 1st chakra issue which involves your masculine energy - the ability to stand up for yourself, for being able to feel secure and not lose your own center or lose your ground when in the presence of others. With that as an issue, you then can feel overwhelmed by the energy or beliefs of others. The feminine energy is the totally open and receptive one, but the masculine is the warrior and protector that allows us to state what we are willing to allow into our space and to set solid, no nonsense, clear and fair boundaries. Both are needed, for if you are too open, you become too soft, unprotected, and mushy, and then you are overwhelmed, taking on too much and merging with others too much. But if you are too stern and rigid and protective, you become a wall that can't receive anything. So, some balancing of your masculine and feminine energy is indicated.

It's great to love everyone and enjoy life, being as receptive to its beauty as you describe. But, if the issue also is a fear of being overwhelmed by another's energy, then that is where a positive strengthening of your male energy comes in. What that allows you to do is hold your own center and power while still relating from a place of unconditional love and receptivity to all. That allows you to be present and open and receptive and sensitive without fear, knowing who you are, what you choose, how to protect and provide safety for yourself, what your ground is, what you will allow, and what your power is. That is an excellent combination of wholeness.

Otherwise, if your fear remains of being overhelmed in some way, you would tend to stay detached and be more of a wanderer, as you describe, or a ghost, not really connecting in or feeling safe, not feeling secure in being around the energy of others, but needing to unconsciously protect yourself by keeping your distance.

When you love from that place of knowing your true power, and your roots are strong, that balance is what it's really all about, and that's when it feels absolutely great. I'm not talking macho here, or aggression, or dominance in regards to the masculine energy, but the higher qualities of the masculine that allow a person to stand firm and secure, yet open and flexible, in being who they truly are: to Love, without fear.

Going to have some sessions in the Feldenkrais method would be excellent for you. You can look this up on the net for any classes held around the country or a practitioner near you.

Many blessings, and thank you again for the lovely energy,

Ayal

135. "I'm being attacked a lot and it is a struggle to keep going"


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