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Clearing the Way

"I want to be friends with my mother but she allows me no freedom at all"

Ayal - My mother and I never get along because I am 18+ now, and I'm not allowed to go out at all with my friends, and I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend either. The only thing I am allowed to do is my studies and the only time I get out from the house is school days and when my parents go to their friends' houses. And therefore we always fight because I'm asking for bit of my freedom. And she says I only need to be at home and do my studies, that's all, even during the holidays. And whenever she comes home, she always yells at me even for things that other people have done. And she said I am a trouble to this family. But I love my family, & I love my mum. But she doesn't love me back. I want to be friends with her. Can you help me in any way? Thank you for spending time reading my letter.

Hi - well, it's wonderful to love someone even when they themselves seem unable to love you back, or they are too caught up in fear or anger to be able to love. However, you seem to be, from what you said, on your end of it, in an abusive situation. What makes you think that you need to continue to be abused? Aren't you worth being loved and treated well? If you don't believe that you are worth that, or deserve those good things, you will continue to create being abused, as our lives will give us back, just like a mirror, what we believe in.

So, first if all, you need to look at what you believe about yourself, what you expect life or others to give you, how you expect to be treated. You say you are 18+ years old - that's old enough to be out on your own making your own decisions, isn't it? What has you staying in a situation where you feel bad, trapped, and are told what to do? It sounds more like a prison to me - unless you are unable to care for yourself in some ways and your mother is doing what she thinks is best for you. If you are able to make your own choices, and can make good, responsible, intelligent ones, and if you are capable of living on your own, it's not time anymore for your mother or father to be the ones telling you what to do.

Maybe it's time to find another, better place to live, where you have the freedom to make your own decisions. If, however, for some reason, you are not capable of living on your own, then that makes it difficult, as you then are under someone else's roof and dependent on them, having to live the way they require. Even in that case, however, you still have the right to say what you need and what you are willing to accept as fair, and what kind of treatment or behavior you will NOT accept. Otherwise, if you accept bad treatment and don't stand up for yourself, you are just letting yourself be abused. How come your mother has so much power over you, that you let her tell you what to do, and you allow her to yell at you, or blame you for things that you didn't do, or say hurtful things to you? What stops you from standing up for yourself and telling her to stop doing that?

It sounds, however, as if your mother has a lot of anger toward you - and what she is telling you to do, from what you say, sounds unreasonable and unfair. Are you afraid of her? Do you need to keep on living in a place where you feel intimidated? If so, again, living there may not be a good thing for you. So - are you able to live on your own? If so, you have the right to do so, to make your life the way you choose for it to be. I invite you to read question number 107 on this site which deals with a similar thing.

Also, please read the Laws of the Universe if you haven't done so already, and see if you can gain an understanding about how we all create our own realities, that life gives us back what we believe about it. It tells you how we can change our beliefs so that things will be better for us. So, when you understand that, how we create our lives being the way they are, then you can see what beliefs you have, that have you create things in a way that doesn't feel good to you. Then you have the ability to choose something else, a new way to see things, new ways to believe, and that enables you to create what you want to for yourself. You can still love your family and live somewhere else, and see them when you choose, when it feels good to you. Loving people doesn't always mean that you have to be right there, living with them. Love continues, no matter where you are... and being somewhere else may feel a lot better to you, if that is appropriate for you to do so. There are other choices than just living at home. There are friends who live together, or community or group homes, or staying at the YWCA, or your church may know of a good place, etc.

Blessings, Ayal

130. "I have problems expressing the masculine part of myself"

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