"I've been trying to heal myself but cannot bear this any longer"
Dear Ayal, I agree with the answer you gave me - loving and respecting myself is definitely not something I am used to. On the contrary. And it took me so long to comprehend that. Actually, I see that it was there for such a long time but managed to live with it somehow. For some reason now this illusion (or whatever it maybe) became unbearable and it debilitates me, drains my entire energy and literally drives me crazy.
I have been trying to heal myself with numerous therapists, counselors and energy healers lately, but this just gets worse (or maybe intensifies on the way to the point of final resolution, as you hint in your reply). Anyway I do not see any of them to be able to help take me through it.
And I strongly suspect that you are right in what you say. I posed myself the questions in meditation and got some very nasty, though rather vague responses.
I really cannot bear this any longer. Is there a way out, a method I could apply myself?
What is still keeping you back from your healing is a lot of negative programming that you have yet to release and deal with. Issues such as feeling deprived, being emotionally embroiled, morbid thoughts, feeling bitter, left behind, and inadequate, are some that showed up. That's a lot of deep stuff to be dealing with, and I can understand that it feels overwhelming.
But mainly, you need to be dealing with and healing this core issue, from which the others will then more easily untangle: If you don't feel adequate to deal with things in life, which is probably THE core issue, how then can you feel adequate enough to truly really face, or tackle re-programming and dealing with all of this that needs to be dealt with and released?
The first and most crucial step here is to release this belief that you are inadequate. If, as I suspect, you experienced sexual abuse as a child, what then gets created right away is a belief that you weren't "adequate" or "strong enough" to stop that from happening, that you must then be basically inadequate and incompetent as a man, or you would have been able to protect yourself. This is a very common belief in male sexual abuse survivors. What happens then is that everything you try to do in life is affected by this belief, the belief that you are inadequate to cope with anything. As a man, that feels terribly dangerous, threatening, and exposing. Debilitating, as you said. You're always using your energy to hide that sense of inadequacy and shame, and that takes up all your energy, makes you suspicious of others, and it probably feels as if you are in danger all the time. That's exhausting.
When a person feels basically inadequate, what happens is that they can't truly face dealing with ANY issue about themselves that seems negative, because in their minds, that is too life threatenening: to see any issue in themselves only adds to and confirms their belief that they are bad, flawed, weak and therefore likely to be killed, attacked. They feel anxious and they feel unable to take care of themselves, or any situation that arises. So, rather than dealing with the issue and doing what it takes to honestly face it, they avoid it at all costs, but that only serves to keep them stuck in the same patterns.
To be able to get out of this, what you have to be able to do is build up the inner commitment to love yourself, to understand that there is no blame, no right or wrong, that you created whatever it was that you experienced for a reason, as everyone else on the planet did, to learn something. Then, and only then, when you can come from a place of non judgment and love and acceptance, trusting yourself that you created what you needed to, not because you were "inadequate", but because you created it for a specific and valid reason, will you be able to take a look at any erroneous beliefs you have created without hating yourself, or judging yourself, or feeling more inadequate. When you can take a look at these issues from a place of acceptance, you can then see what the purpose was for creating it and going through that experience. Then, when you truly commit to Love as the source of all of this, you have a deep inner well of strength and power to draw upon, and you can face life with calmness, peace, trust, and acceptance. THEN you have the inner strength to face it and change whatever pattern you choose to into something else. ONLY when you claim something as your own do you then have the power to change it.
So, unless you take responsibility for what you have chosen to create and experience, you stay stuck in experiencing all of these other feelings that are, for you, at this point, unbearable. Taking responsibility without judgment, without judging yourself, is the key. Really, on the most simplistic level, it's like someone saying: "Oh. My hair has a tangle in it. What I need to do is brush it out." But a person who has deep shame about themselves going on, who feels terribly inadequate and less than, and who is terrrified that their inadequacy will be revealed if they attempt anything and "expose" themselves, or make themselves vulnerable, will say something like this: "I have a tangle in my hair. I am a terrible person! Look how terrible I look! I'm so ashamed! People will attack me for it. Something bad will happen to me. If I were really a good, competent person, I'd never have had this tangle. I don't know what to do about it." Unconsciously, what they are saying to themselves is this: " I'm too inadequate to cope with it, so I won't try and then fail, as I know I will. I'd better not let anyone see this! And I won't admit it to myself." And they deny it and turn away from dealing with it. They hide it away instead. That never gets the tangle out.
That belief that you are inadequate isn't true, but you are all tangled up in it nonetheless. You feel terribly anxious, depressed, high strung, bitter, victimized, powerless - I could go on and on. It becomes a vicious cycle that you get trapped in.
Have you dealt with this possibility of sexual abuse directly with a good therapist? If not, I suggest that you do so. Not someone who confirms for you that you are or were a victim, but someone who can affirm your power to create life as you choose. I can't say for certain that this abuse happened, but it's something that, I think, ought to be explored. There are some excellent books out about sexual abuse specifically for men. Reading some would probably help you quite a bit. But, you also need a strong support system behind you, a good counselor who is also conscious of how one creates one's own reality, to take you through this.
How surprised would you be that you chose this experience to teach you about having your own power? That you don't ever need to turn your power over to someone else for any reason? That you don't need to trade your sense of self away for safety or security, or compromise yourself in any way, because you, yourself, are all the power you need to take care of yourself? These are wonderful things to learn, and how surprised would you be that you chose experiences that were powerful enough to show you that? Isn't that a powerful way to look at it? That's an example of how you reprogram how you have thought about all of this.
Also, doing holotropic breathwork would be important and excellent for you. 20 sessions, minimum, with a good practitioner near you.
Using the Aura-Soma red pomander essence for grounding of purpose, everday protection, revitilization, and being ready for anything would be very good for you. Also, using the Sanat Kumara and Lady Venus Kumara quintessence essence would be very good for you too. It brings the divine into the everyday, and helps with any task you undertake.
Also, do this exercise to repair the aura - to start with, do it for 20 seconds, twice a day:
The key here, though, for you, Jomo, is to face what you need to face consciously and lovingly toward yourself. And then to re-program it into what you consciously choose for it to be. Work with the core belief formula in the Laws of the Universe.
Feeling what you want to change your energy and life into, how it would FEEL to have life that way, is the main key to manifesting anything. There is no need to suffer or to beat yourself up. You have written a powerful story for yourself this time around - what are you learning from it? It's a very deep story - you created it for a purpose. Trust that purpose no matter what! Put out a strong intention that you are now willing and ready and able to allow yourself to trust yourself and your power and capability. Trust yourself.
Look what a powerful Creator you are. You created a powerful story full of powerful emotions, depths, and much more. Now, you are ready to write a new story and have different experiences. Don't be afraid to look at the old one and value it for what it has taught and shown you. You need to be able to do that, before you can write a new one. Being honest with oneself, and being vulnerable, and claiming what we have created is a mark of power, not inadequacy or shame. There is no need to judge it. It has simply been an experience. But when you hide from what you have created, or deny it, or judge it, or hate it, you are then attached to it, and that is when you get stuck in it.
It's like the story from Uncle Remus of the tar baby, a story of a statue of a person made out of tar. Everyone thinks it's a real person, but that's an illusion, like the illusions we believe are real. Its complete silence when spoken to or addressed (denial, symbolically) is what gets everything and everyone totally angry and frustrated and then stuck to it.
I trust that you can do this and find your way. I think that what is most needed right now for you is consistently and continuously being conscious with what you need to look at and be responsible for, without judgment. Trust that the support you need is there, close by you. Trusting that is the same issue as trusting yourself. If you don't trust yourself, then you will project that belief outside of you and not trust anyone else to be able to help you either. That's just an exact mirror for the belief you have about yourself - the lack of trust you have that you can help yourself (the false belief in adequacy again, right?) will have you not able to trust anyone else either.
Stick with it, rather than being stuck in it!! You are no different from anyone else on the planet and we are all learning to have mastery over energy, not be mastered by it. You are made of the same God stuff as everyone else, right? With all of that power, true? I know that you have all the power you need to untangle this knot. Put out your intention to let go of judging yourself, to bring in trust instead, to trust your total adequacy and capability; to commit totally to seeing and valuing yourself as the divine being that you truly are; to see what gifts you got from having created the experiences you did in your life - even sexual abuse, if that was one of them. You can learn a lot about true power versus being in victim consciousness, about trusting yourself and your own power, from that experience. TRUST.