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"How can I love myself more?"

Hi Ayal -

How can I love myself more? Or just feel okay about life? I do the breathing "love in, peace out", but can barely sit for small spurts. I've been doing an exercise from another letter practicing grounding..... and looking into chakra balancing. I've actually taken several classes.... I've also started seeing a psychiatrist (she's really helping in helping me learn better ways to talk to myself). Seems that I'm really hard on myself. Causing anxiety.

I'm worried about whether I should stay where I'm living or move. There's a gal that wants to rent my extra room and I really need the money. I had to ask my last roommate to leave (then found she's moving in next door). My ex-boyfriend (said loosely) lives across the hall. Should I abandon everything and run. My three cats are smothering me (but I feel strongly about obligation to them for their life).

Somtimes I think that my attitude is so bad that I can't learn. Sometimes I really love to touch people and give them my loving energy (I've been learning and practicing healing through touch and assessment. Last class starts in fall to complete my 500 hours - I already have license). Sometimes it's a job. Am I really a healer? or was I just supposed to learn this to heal myself?? Does this happen for you too? What do you do? Sometimes I wonder if I should leave all this and go to Hawaii..... very mountainous (which I've been told is good for healing). Of course mountains can be found anywhere.....

I love the guy across the hall (I probably don't even know him really, though we've been friends/lovers for years now) and we ended up together again yesterday (and again since then). I don't feel too guilty, though that's what usually happens. It's not what I'd call a nurturing, thing. I want to cuddle and be loved. Please help me see how I don't love myself (what belief I am harboring that keeps someone there that doesn't love me). How am I creating this lonely life. I know that some of this is just simple cause and affect. With so many hurdles to overcome, I'm too much work for some people. And some people just burn me out. Not too many friends. The lady cooking in the cafeteria won't cook for me anymore cause I pick on the details of her cooking too much (suppose I can spot low integrity as mine's not so great). Turns out that she's been rude to enough others that I called the building manager and let her in on the behavior. If it were just me, I thought it was my bad attitude; but now I find that she did something to one of our higher ups. I don't want her fired, only want her to treat us with decency and respect. I hated turning her in..... I know that the poor integrity that I saw in her was a reflection of my own.... but I wasn't eating there anymore (boycotting them) and then found many others did too. My boss said that someone should make a stand. I worry about karma and if I pick on her; will karma come back and have someone turn me in for my poor integrity?

Sometimes, I feel that I'm walking in swamp water. I've been cleaning my home (feng shui)...... Please help me make a more radical shift in my life. I want to quit doing things that hurt myself..... or perhaps just know when it's appropriate to get off my own back. I'm worried that if I don't move or shift something dramatically..... well, I lost someone to cancer 10 years ago and it's hard to not worry about your health. Like if all this sadness won't break something healthwise.


Hi - from your e-mail that you wrote after this one, it sounds as if you are already taking some positive strides that sound healthy to me in terms of you choosing to take better care of yourself. Good for you! I understand when you feel that there are so many layers to clear up that it can seem overwhelming. However, the good news about that is that you wouldn't have created a life where you have chosen to overcome so much if you didn't have the power, desire, divine support, and ability to do so.

Two major areas to play around with are the following (I no longer want to use the word "work" such as in "work" on or "work" out, as that has associations that are not nearly as accurate or as freeing as the sense of being able to play with energy ... as you choose to) :

  1. There is an addiction to sadness going on. Play around with the formula to release this and create something better for yourself, using the Laws of the Universe section regarding this. Or, use the Getting Clear form. Or both. Or use anything else you may come across that releases sadness. But definitely being willing to realize that it is an addiction the body has come to expect, with all the attendant chemical processes and feelings, is important. Being willing to release the addiction to it will be an important first step, and then creating what you choose to have instead comes next.

  2. There is an issue around ethics and honor, in relationships. This is a 2nd chakra issue and, interestingly enough, the 2nd chakra also deals with chronic lower back pain, which has to do with blame and guilt. The best thing I think that you can do to really free yourself up on many levels, as I think most of your issues are stemming from this 2nd chakra core issue, is to first of all, read about the 2nd chakra in Caroline Myss's book Anatomy of the Spirit. Get some clarity on what is going on for you about ethics and honor in relationships. Ask about it in meditation: find out what the origin point of this difficulty was - when it began, etc. Then do some clearing with it - either with intentions, or visualizations - whatever you are guided to do. Secondly, breathwork would be excellent for you. Look up holotropic breathwork on the net for a good practitioner near you. I'd say 5 sessions, minimum.

As to your other specific questions: I get that letting go of this guy Dennis is a good thing. As you up-level this issue of honoring and being honored in relationships, the mirror he gave you of that not happening will no longer be necessary. You will attract others who can mirror honoring and having good ethics in relationships, as you clear this for yourself. You are wanting to be honored and nurtured, and often we try to get this to happen by complaining about or to others, as a way to stand up for ourselves, we think, and, there can be a time when that may be something we need to do. But, eventually, there is a more powerful, clearer way to be nurtured and honored, and that is, of course, to honor and nurture ourselves, not putting that desire, or need, or blame, off on anyone else. When we do that, we don't then feel so needy (your little cat is simply a reflection of this in you, as I know you know) or so judgmental of others when they don't appear to fulfill that need for us.

Also, what so often goes along with this is an expectation that our needs won't be fulfilled or met because we don't think or believe that we deserve to be honored. Then, we project that onto others, and we end up not being able to honor them either, or to create being honored the way we would like to be, in our lives. We think then, that everyone is dishonoring us in some way, in fact, and the more we complain, the more we can't get what we are really after: the more we then end up pushing others away, and the more we feel dishonored. It's a loop.

As for abandoning everything and running - well, wherever you go, there you are. What you want to really leave behind are the issues that create the situations that feel untenable to you. Play around with releasing those, and then your external environment will shift in ways that will feel better for you.

As to being a healer, it works both ways. People are drawn to an area of experience or a career that offers them the ability to clear their own stuff, and learn what they came to learn. That doesn't mean then, that you can't also be a wonderful healer. Whatever we learn, or clear in ourselves, whatever Light then, that we are able to radiate because the gunk isn't covering it up, is there for any other who wants to make use of it. But, yes, you are healing yourself and that is why the healing arena has pulled you. And that's a wonderful commitment to have made to yourself in this life. That takes power and courage. And, it does, often, go step by step, until finally you get to a playing arena or level where you can move mountains instead of taking so much energy to chip away at things. The more you play with energy, the bigger pieces you become able to shift. I've been playing with this for 23 years, and am now at that point where I can shift pretty big pieces. And still, much shows up for me to shift. It's an ongoing process of greater and greater refinement. But, one builds up to it.

Thank you for the donation. It is much appreciated. Trusting that this guidance will be useful for you. I'm simply reminding you of what you already know, as I am a reflection of you.

Many blessings, Ayal

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