"I feel alone much of the time, like a dog at a cat show"
I'm a new person in the healing arena. Mostly have tons to heal in myself. I am very sad and have created much sadness. I've printed out your other letters and figure that I'll just read them all. If it isn't for me, it will be for one of my clients.
I have so many dualities in thinking. Hard to keep myself on-track (on the path). Please check in with them and see if they want me to do something specific. I also worry that if I am to help others, I'd better get on it. I'm scared that I won't be able to get in all that I want in on this earth visit. I like to smoke pot and it keeps my anxiety, depression and obsessive thinking lowered. But procrastination is intense. I've been on antidepressants...... seen therapists..... put myself through a school that teaches healing (Shiatsu) and have really come a long way. But still have all these different levels of learning.
My inner child is so infantile. Not been able to change my attitude about childhood and not being wanted. Don't feel worthy. I live across the hall from my ex-lover and now (self-referred) brother. I love him dearly and we've tried to be together for years. We are sexually compatible and we are friends..... But he says that he doesn't love me that way. I can't keep loving him physically when he isn't being cuddly in any way. So we let it be friends, but I continue to love him. I sometimes have to talk to my dreams of seeing him with my baby girl on his lap....... talk to this dream and tell it sorry, but it takes two people dreaming the same dream and that he's my mirror. I must not be loving myself. I don't know how.
My room mate of two years has just been kicked out. She drinks to black-out sometimes (a nurse in terrible hospitals) and this last time was enough for me. She said to me in that state everything about me that was off. The neighbor/guy thing, the not having any friends thing (inner belief (I see) that friends are demanding and hard to manage and controlling), the being poor thing, the not playing on the pro-tour thing (5x nat'l champ, but no confidence to continue), and I got from the whole experience that while she loved me (sober) she really had some hateful jealous feelings toward me. She pulled my bookshelf down on purpose, swung at me a few times and I finally gave in to physical fighting. I won. I lost. I don't like violence and don't want to do that again.
I'm afraid to get in my next roommate..... Can I trust my opinion? I feel alone much of the time. When doing a yoga video, it might cross my mind that here I am, doing something alone..... should I go try to be with the live world??? Feel like I'm a dog at a cat show.
Thanks for following your guides. I hope to learn much from you.
Hi - Thanks for your letter.
Basically, what you are expressing is a feeling of living in deep anxiety. You are needing to create a more solid spiritual foundation for yourself - to get to a state of being where you can experience living from a place of Peace. You need to create direct experiences of KNOWING Peace and TRUSTING and ACCEPTING life and yourself that will replace this old energy. Then you will have a new model, another option, for what is possible, you will know that it really exists, how it feels to live that way, and that will then allow you to access that way of being and be at peace.
You still have energy going in the direction of a "lack of belief" in this: being full of trust, calm, and peacefulness is still alien to you. So what you are needing to do is build this, step by step, experience by experience, and bring in a new way of feeling. Instead of focusing, in other words, on what "isn't", you need to start focusing on what "is".
Have you heard the story of the pickpocket who, when he sees a saint, all he sees is his pockets? That story speaks to the fact that what we focus on, or put our attention on, is what we will see and experience around us. You could be in the presence of a saint or enlightened master, but if you are a picpocket and only focused on what's in his pockets, all of that wonderful energy and the potential for your own growth and enlightenment that a saint radiates would go unnoticed by you. All you'd see would be his pockets. All of that energy is right there, everything is present in the universe at all times, but you have to choose what you want to see, manifest, and focus on. It's like going into a huge store that has everything - you get to choose what you want to buy and take home. Then, what you believe in, what you choose, is what you will create to be reflected back to you from the outer world. If you are in anxiety and chaos, your world can only reflect what you believe in back to you. You have to BE the energy of what you want back in life. You basically become a container for the energy you choose to hold. If you want to be loved, you must become the energy of Love. that's how it works. Then that energy is just reflected back to you, and what you see on the outside is what you already are.
So, what you need to put your focus on is Peace. I strongly invite you to order the number 2 Aura-Soma essential oil, the Mother Mary essence, for Deep Peace. Use it every day - it's a wonderful vibrational energy healer. Also, when you find yourself going into negative judgments of yourself, others, life - just stop, take a deep breath, and then breathe in Love as a conscious focus, and breathe out Peace as a conscious focus. It would be great for you to also practice that as a meditation every morning and evening, upon rising and before going to sleep: breathing in Love and breathing out Peace, for 25 minutes. It's always our choice, every moment, what we will focus our attention on. It's a discipline that makes us strong. Just like driving a car - we can choose any road to drive on, and we can choose where to turn, to take us where we want to go.