Trans4mind Home Page
Clearing the Way

"Could my strained family relationship be affecting my job prospects?"

Hi Ayal,

Hope this email finds you well. I have two issues and they are weighing heavily on my heart. I've written to you about both of these before, but I'm hoping you can help me gain clarity given recent developments. First, for almost a year now I have been in the running for a job in California that I believe would be perfect for me. There have been many delays however for the last few weeks it seemed like everything was moving forward. Today I heard from the recruiter and he's concerned about the references I'm getting. My references are overwhelmingly positive, but he feels as though they are not deep enough and that he wants people to talk more about who I am as a person. I'm not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, since these are professional references I'm not sure the people he is talking to know who I am. On the other hand, I'm wondering if the delays and now this concern are indications that this is not the right position for me. I'm really excited about this job. It feels like a good fit and it's exactly where I'd like to live, but I have to wonder whether the universe is telling me something. Could it also be a message about moving back to California? Could it mean that it is not the right time for that?

This brings me to my second concern: my brothers. I've written to you before about my family dynamics. My relationship with my brothers is very strained. Neither of them works or supports their families. They live at home with my parents even though they are fast approaching middle-age. I want to move back to California because I love it there. However I have major anxieties about living in close proximity to my brothers. My biggest fear is that in some fashion I will end up taking care of them as my parents have. One of brothers even said to me at one point, "Well I guess if anything happens to Dad, you'll have to take care of the whole family."

I was appalled at the idea that this grown man has the expectation that I or anyone else should take care of him. I am really at a loss as to what to do about this. My parents are extremely distressed about my brothers chronic unemployment and living at home, yet they can't bring themselves to put them out because they would literally be destitute, homeless, and probably involved in drugs or other illegal activity.

What can you tell me about my relationship with my brothers specifically? Could my fear about having to deal with my brothers in California be affecting the job situation?

Any insights would be greatly appreciated.


Hi - both of these issues are intertwined, and have to do with the issue of taking care of oneself. Your family has this issue in general, it appears. It has to do with the ability to stand up for oneself, for meeting the world with vigor and courage and strength. It has to do with having a strong life force, which I take it to be, in this case, the ability to have boundaries, be assertive, trust yourself, and go with your gut instincts. You and your brothers did not get a strong role model for how to have a strong masculine energy and meet the world in this way.

The balance of the masculine and feminine energies for you are still needing to be balanced. The masculine energy in your family seems to carry a great deal of anxiety in the sense of feeling adrift - as well as carrying around an issue that has to do with a lack of acceptance. This translates as a lack of self esteem. As you create new energies and radiate this level of energy, your job possibility will shift accordingly, as that creative, powerful energy will be what others will be feeling from you.

There are issues showing up that have to do with being able to integrate sexuality and spirituality as well. So, there may be some things to clear up within yourself in this area as you continue to create a new balance of your inner masculine energies and your feminine energy that has to do with sexuality and being safe in that area. Again, seeing the natural life force, instinctual energies, the sexual or powerful kundalini energy of the root chakra as a good thing, and being able to use that energy, the power of the life force, for your benefit. As you strengthen and clear that up, your masculine energy will be better able to support you and help you to forge ahead, make clear decisions, feel less anxious, be charismatic, have a strong will to live and thrive, etc.

As far as your brothers go, since they also carry the issues of lack of self esteem and lack of acceptance, and they lack the ability to stand up for themselves or take care of themselves, they are a good outer mirror for you of the dynamics going on in the family. The whole issue of you moving on with your life has to do with the wounding of the masculine energy in yourself and in your family or ancestral line. Your job here is to clear this up for yourself, and as you clear it up, you can ask Spirit to also send this healing to your family. Surrender it to Spirit, send this ancestral issue light, and trust that your brothers have their own journey to make. You can bless and surround them and your family lineage with light, and offer up prayers for their Highest Good - prayer in the sense of seeing them already in their strength, for that is how prayers work - you image it as ALREADY being there, and you then feel the joy in their own strength and power as you picture them that way. Prayers don't work when we pray about what is lacking, for that only affirms that what we are believing in and seeing and putting energy into is the lack itself. But then you have to let it go, as I see it.

We are all connected in the matrix or web of life, but, I believe, at least, that it is not our job to heal others. That doesn't mean we don't offer them love and compassion. We hold them in our Highest regard as the soul that they are, and we trust in their journey without buying into their stuff and the illusions they are caught in. If we do buy into it, all we do is lose our own power, go into fear, lose our sense of what is Real. We can be a dynamic role model as we allow and undertake our own healing, as we ourselves let go of what is not real, trust what is Real, and then others have the option to investigate that road as well, as they witness us prospering and they see our strength.

My personal gut reaction to the issue of taking care of your brothers is to let them know that you have found something that works for you, and that if they are interested, you are available to share with them what you have learned about how we carry patterns of energy, but only if they ask you to do so. If this were me and my brothers, I would tell them that you love them, and that you are happy to share what you have learned, but that it is up to them to find their own road to their own healing, that you have faith in their ability to do that, and that you have NO intention of taking care of them other than sharing information if they ask for it. That is how a powerful, assertive, masculine energy works that trusts itself and understands that you don't help another by keeping them helpless. You set clear boundaries, and you stick with them. Even if that means that they may have a tough row to hoe for a while, detox centers or what have you, or even going to jail or being on the street.

I believe that you will not be serving them by continuing to keep them dependent and continuing to feed the insidious loop of their lack of self esteem. This is tough love. You will have to be strong and assertive and really set your boundaries. The best gift you can give them is faith in their ability to heal themselves and to find their way. Whatever way that is. If they choose not to go for their own healing, well, we have to honor the choices others make for their lives. They are here to learn certain lessons as well, and they may need to travel a tough road to do so. You can be available to give them information and guidance if they ask for it, but they must take the plunge themselves. You can't do it for them. Continue to love them, but love them in a way that supports their journey and who they really are, not offering them something that actually undermines it.

The family model may have had you think that to do this is not to be loving, or moral, or humane, but, the family dynamic is what has kept this issue alive and well. It doesn't serve people to keep them weak and ineffectual by saying "OH - they can't do it. They are poor weak, miserable incapable people who'll die if you don't" etc. etc. That's a false belief and a use of guilt to keep the family dynamic of powerlessness in place. So, you may find yourself up against a tribal code of behavior that you may have to disavow, to not follow, believe in, or uphold. That takes strength and courage, and that is how we find our own way in life and become strong human beings. We have to keep what is valuable that the tribe taught us, but we also MUST let go of what the tribe taught us that is dysfunctional, that doesn't work, and stand on our own. This is exactly the issue you are working with. Standing on your own and allowing that individuation and evolution of movement from dysfunctional family beliefs to being a healthy human being. Hope this helps.

Many blessings, Ayal

next 116. "I am afraid for my friend who has fibromyalsia - can you help her?"

Click here to donate & send a question to Ayal:
Clearing the Way   |   Laws of the Universe   |   Recommended Links
Copyright © 1997-2019 Trans4mind Ltd
Terms of Use & Privacy Policy       Email Webmaster