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Clearing the Way

"Can I turn this co-dependent relationship into mutual respect?"

Dear Ayal,

I have had a co-dependent vs abusive kind of a relationship with one of my close friends and colleagues. He was very, very caring to me and nobody had ever been like that to me in my life. And because of that I completely clung on to him emotionally and so gave him amazing power over my life. At one stage, my work and my other relationships were in a mess because of this power I had given to this man. Also I swung between love, rudeness, apology and then love towards this person. He sensed that and gradually became more and more uncaring, egotistic, extremely rude and disrespectful to me. For some time I tried very hard to hold on to the relationship, giving away my self-respect and dignity. Now I have kind of distanced myself completely and try to ignore him. Now I have a feeling he despises me and loathes my company. Since I am ignoring him now, he has suddenly become very good to people and he does attract a lot of people towards him.

After suffering a lot (acutely) and trying and reading various things, including your web page, I have however to a great extent been able to realize my vulnerability for love and care that I think has created this reality. Also I have found myself in almost similar situations at least about 4 times before in my life. I am trying various things to love myself but finding it very hard to do so.

Now, my problem is I somehow still feel connected to this person and seem to have a strong desire to retain this relationship in order to turn it into one of mutual respect and real love, instead of the abusive vs co-dependent one. Though he doesn't seem to be bothered about me now, I seem to have a strong desire in me to actually create this reality, by doing whatever I can from my side. I also have a desire to help him heal of his abusive nature. I don't want this relationship to be anything similar to the many before this. I want this relationship to stay with me with a difference. Not just avoiding it altogether, like before. Yes I think I will eventually heal myself but still I want this reality. I feel that I can reach a stage where I can simply let go of this relationship. I already feel thankful to this person as a soul to have shown me direction towards my growth. If that happens then it's really going to give me more belief in the beauty of life and love. Or is it still my co-dependence?

Hi - Thank you for the donation. It is much appreciated, and it is an empowering thing, I believe, for a person to feel that they are able to create the abundance they need to be able to offer something in exchange for what they receive.

What seems to be showing up here is a lack of adaptability. We have to be able to shift and let go as life changes. There seems to be a kind of headstrong attitude on your part that has you wanting to make something go a certain way despite signs that say no or are contrary to that. The issue of disappointment showed up for you, and may have something to do with this. If you believe that you will be disappointed, you may try with all your might to avoid or resist "being disappointed" by trying to make things happen a certain way. Letting go of the belief that you will be disappointed would be a very important thing to do. Work with that as a core issue in the formula set up in The Laws of the Universe. Check out the origin point of when this belief began that you would be disappointed. Sit in meditation and just relax, open, and ask to see when it began. Just allow an impression to come, and accept what you receive.

There are a couple of other issues present behind all of this. One of them seems to be something to do with your sexuality and painful feelings regarding this issue from your childhood. You may want to check into this to see if you need to create abusive relationships due to some model you experienced in your childhood. There is a need for you to be able to express these feelings. The need for personal expression showed up in a big way. If you are not expressing your truth, you may create all kinds of situations that are not clear.

There also seem to be feelings of inadequacy and self doubt. If you do not feel worthy, that will also hinder you from feeling you have the right to speak your truth and express yourself. If you don't express yourself, then how can you create what you choose - and if you don't create what you choose, that leads right back to disappointment, right? If you feel inadequate and someone is a mirror for that, what can happen is, if you are not dealing with these issues from inside yourself, you will try to get it to work out on the outside - in other words, you will try to prove to yourself that you are worth something by getting someone else to appreciate or desire you. For you, that may show up as you needing to get this guy back - having him, by returning to you or giving you attention, validate your worth for you. The way to heal this is to work on it from the inside.

Your inner masculine needs to be strengthened. The balance between your inner masculine and your feminine seems to be off center. There is too much of the feminine and not enough of the masculine energy present within you. That may also be why you seek to bring this man back into your life. You are actually truly needing your own inner masculine, but again, you are seeking to solve this dilemma by trying to get it from the outside, from outside of yourself.

Also, by seeking to heal him, which you can't do - that's an illusion - he's the only one who can heal himself - what you are really needing and desiring to do is heal your own inner masculine. You're simply projecting that need onto him. How is he a mirror for what is going on for you and your own inner masculine? In all of this, it seems you keep wanting to go outside of yourself to solve things, but the only way to heal is to go within and heal yourself. That is what will change things externally for you as well and shift your reality.

As well as seeing in this man your own issues and what you need to heal, you may also see what qualities he has that you admire as a man, and you may want to see how you can incorporate those qualities into your own inner masculine energy, along with other qualities that you feel are essential for a balanced masculine energy within.

Start practicing speaking your truth in all situations, firmly, in a "this is just how it is as my truth for me" kind of way. Also, cut the cords that you have going out to this man, and bring all of that energy you are putting out towards him back to yourself, where it needs to be.

Do your own inner work - having self doubt and feelings of inadequacy tend to make us want to attach ourselves to others who seem to have more power - but that belief is an illusion. Deal with your own issues that need to be healed and know that you have as much charm, light, power, as anyone else on the planet. It's just covered up right now by these false beliefs about yourself that you've gotten caught in and have believed.

112. "All I think about is how I need to lose weight"

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