"I want to move ahead with my life but I can't find the courage to do it"
Could you help me work out why I am stuck? I feel so frustrated and stuck in my life. I find my job very stressful and keep feeling like I'd like a change of career. I'd especially feel I'd like to travel. I live at home with my mum, brother and sister; my dad recently died. I thought when he died I'd feel free and able to let go and have some freedom and able to pursue my dreams. I keep telling myself as I take no action that I don't really want to move on but so much lately I feel caged up with frustration but too scared and full of fear to move on. I know deep down I want to move ahead with my life but I can't seem to take any action to do it. I feel so frustrated that I'm worried I'll make myself ill. I keep having dreams where I'm sick from work and long term illness - are these premontitions a sign I have to move forward? It's like I'm waiting for something to happen to make me move on. I wander will I ever have the courage?
Hi - thanks for your letter. The basic issue for you that is keeping you stuck is lack of self esteem. When you know that you can do this, when you trust yourself and believe in yourself, then you will. Right now you don't think that you have what it takes to make it. This belief, however, is just in your mind. That's all it is - a belief. A bunch of thoughts that have created blocks in your energy system. Like a big rock in the road. However, what it probably feels like is absolute terror - as if you think your life depends on lifting a heavy weight, but when you look down at yourself, you don't see or believe that you have any arms to do it. So, you feel paralyzed - "how can I lift this rock without any arms!?" But - the arms ARE there - you just don't believe it yet, as you have lived believing other things about yourself for a long time.
There are some issues to clear up here in your belief system that, when you do clear them, will enable you to tap into the strength and self worth that you do have, that is really there, just covered up right now. You have a perception that you have been rejected by your family in some way, and what this has also created is a deep belief of feeling disappointed in yourself. It's hard to take steps out into the big, wide world if you feel disappointed in yourself - it would be too overwhelming to cope with anything if you don't believe that you have anything in you that gives you strength. Like looking in your bank account and seeing that you are overdrawn, have no money and instead are in debt and below zero! It probably feels like a set up to fail before you even get out the door, so "why bother?" may be what goes through your mind on some level. You're out of energy before you even begin. So, there is a belief in pessimism that needs to be changed.
When someone has interpreted events that happened in their family as a form of being rejected by the family, what often develops is a distorted way of looking at the world, at everything that happens or comes your way, as a form of betrayal. No matter what it is, the mind will filter it and come up with feeling betrayed and pessimistic. It's as if you put on sun glasses that see everything through lenses that color everything with this way of seeing things. You put on the lenses to see what's going on, and no matter what it is, the sunglasses tell you: "See - what just happened shows you that you're no good." You'll tend to see whatever happens or hear whatever is said to you as a rejection. For instance, someone could say: "Oh, your hair looks nice today" but you will hear that, through this lens of rejection as: "Oh, most of the time you don't look nice - why is today different?"
When you become aware that you are doing this, all you have to do is stop for a moment, take a nice deep breath, and say: "I choose to believe and I KNOW that I am wonderful __________" or whatever other word you want to put in there. Remember, if your mind tells you that you are anything other than Love, or you interpret something that comes your way as anything other than letting you know how sacred and precious you are, you must be interpreting it incorrectly, because anything other than Love is an illusion: it's not real. It's a misunderstanding. So, if you start to think thoughts about yourself that are negative, just stop and say: "This thought isn't real. Only Love is Real. Therefore, I don't have to believe it." Then, take a deep breath and give yourself a real, Loving thought instead. Move back into the energy and feeling of Love, and know that that is True.
What can happen when we think we have been rejected by our family, which as children we look upon as the Source of all Love, Safety, Security, and Trust, we translate that into how God feels about us too, because for children, the family is like God. Since our own family has rejected us, we think, we don't trust that we can be loved, which then becomes, on another, more encompassing level, not trusting the Sacred or Divine to Love us. We see it as the same thing. So, without knowing it, we stop trusting being able to be Loved, and we reject connecting to the real source of Energy and Love and Power within us, which is our own God Self. Since the Sacred and Divine is within each of us, we end up rejecting ourselves. That's what causes the energy to become paralyzed and blocked. You end up not trusting or knowing or being in touch with who you really are. If you can't connect with your own Power or trust it - it's like a car that can't allow the gas to get to the engine. No way to move forward then, is there?
Check out how you respond to things in your life, if you are seeing things through those sunglasses of rejection and betrayal and disappointment - see if and when that is happening, how you perceive something - and then choose what you really want to believe. Take those sunglasses off, symbolically speaking, and allow yourself, give yourself permission, to look at it differently. Flush out the old thoughts, just send them on their way without giving them any energy or believing in them in any way, and let the new energy come in. It's sort of like Cosmic Drano - only the drano is Light and Love that comes in to flush out the old untrue stuff stuck in there. You can even imagine seeing that happening in your body or in your life. Wherever you feel stuck, ask the Light to come in and gently flush it out. Just relax and let it come in, like sunbathing.
So - what else to do to clear this up? For one thing, I would take a self esteem workshop. Do some research and see what's offered in your area. Or, take one in another place - go out into the world for a specific reason - to build up your self esteem muscles before you take off for good. Make some new connections. It would be good for you to get grounded in the country for a while somewhere. Being close to Nature is a great way to feel your inner strength and get in touch with who you really are.
You said that you thought you'd be more free when your dad died - but, freedom doesn't come because of another person, place or thing. Freedom comes from within yourself and what you believe to be Real and True. Everyone in the world could die tomorrow, or they could all gather around you and tell you you're the most wonderul being on the planet, but it wouldn't make a difference. You'd still have the same thoughts inside your mind unless you, yourself, recognize them and change them. YOU create your life and the way you choose to see things - no one else can do that for you.
There are 2 Aura-Soma products that can help you move out some of this old energy. One is the orange pomander, for gently healing shock and trauma, bringing insight and forgiveness, and the other is the St. Germain, violet essence, which helps us to detach and allow positive energy to come through us. I'd invite you to order both of these and use them daily. You can order them over the net - just look up Aura-Soma, or order them from firstname.lastname@example.org.
Stating an intention 3 times a day for about 3 months would help out a lot, too. What makes an intention work is if you put really strong feelings into it and you KNOW that what you say is already coming true. You allow yourself to feel this with all your heart and you just trust it. So, you could make your intention something like this:
Many Blessings, Ayal