"It's hard to forgive and break free from my abusive mother"
My mother and I have had a falling out. Before we had this falling out, I was living in my deceased grandmother's house (which was very hard - since it was a few months after she passed). Mom thought it was a good idea for me to move into the house and sort through certain things, and also because she was recently married. I told her during my time there, it was hard for me to be in the house and later told her it would be a good idea for her and her husband to move into the house and save money instead of paying rent. Well, to make a long story short, Mom and her husband moved in, and later divorced. Now it was just Mom and me in the house. She was working as a visiting nurse and I was going to college full time and working part time.
The problem started when I wasn't getting any privacy and Mom started treating me like a 5 year old when I was 26. She would constantly come into my room w/o knocking to use the computer when I was trying to sleep. I had my own phone line and when she and I had an argument she would tell me I couldn't use my phone. She would constantly yell at me about staying out late, coming home and sleeping and then going to school and work without cleaning my room. She would then proceed to tell me I couldn't go out unless I cleaned my room. Clearly with the life I was leading, I didn't have much time to clean the room, but she was always in my room when I was there or wasn't. It really didn't stop her from coming in there if it were messy, so we argued about the room.
Later, she started becoming physically abusive. I had an argument on the phone with my sister, and called her some choice 5 letter words and she later called my mother and told her and my mother punched me very hard in the arm. The second time she punched is when we were arguing about the way I talked to her. I told her the only reason she got away with punching me was because she was my mother and that was the last time I would ever let her hit me.
Things escalated over a period of time. More arguing, to the point where she said if I don't like her rules to get out, and so I told her fine I was leaving. She told me to make sure and take everything or she would throw it in the middle of the street. I had nowhere to go but to my father's house - which is another problem within itself. So I went to Dad's, where my sister and my niece live, which meant Mom came over frequently. The last time she visited, she and I had an argument and she hit me and I hit her back. She was in shock and got into a fighting stance like a boxer and we fought. My father came in and broke it up and wanted to know what was going on. I told him about the other times she hit me and that it wasn't happening any more.
Mom and I haven't talked for 9 months and mother's day is around the corner and I felt compelled to get her something, but then I had a dream about her physically abusing me and telling me to get out. So I have reconsidered getting a present and maybe writing her a note about how I feel - about how I wish she would have respected my space and my growing up as I wished I could have respected her without the constant nagging. I also felt compelled to contact her because I have gone through some things that you could only talk to your mother about and I feel empty without her, but it's hard for me to forgive her.
Please help, I am lost and alone.
OK. If you could see that your mother and how she treats you is a mirror for how you feel about yourself, what would you see?
First of all, you still seem to be needing a mother's love, but the mother you have in your life can't give it to you. That says to me that you are not yet givingYOURSELF love or knowing how to take care of yourself in this way. What makes you think that you aren't worth loving, that you deserve to be hit and yelled at, told what to do at 26 years old? What has you thinking that you have to live somewhere your mother tells you to, and you do it, even when you don't want to? What has you allowing yourself to be treated abusively? You are still allowing yourself to remain the child in the hope that momma will finally love you. But, the universe can only give back to you what you already have. If you don't love yourself, guess what kinds of relationships (or lack of them) you will create? You can only create from what you have got already.
There is an issue here going on for you of feeling cut off from others, an issue of deep loneliness - you mention that you had "nowhere else to go" and that you feel "lost and alone." This is a lost little girl talking. What would you do to take care of a little girl who felt so lost and alone if she came to you crying out to be loved? How would you love her? When you think of it, how come you let yourself feel alone, when the world is full of people and beings who all love to be loved, and want to be loved, and are waiting and hoping to be loved??
Sounds to me as if you are scared to love because you don't believe you either have it to give or deserve to get it back - and the first place that you need to start giving love is to yourself. You are so wanting to be loved that you let yourself be degraded in order to try to get it. So often what happens is that we think that to get love we have to prostitute or compromise ourselves in some way. We give over our power or sense of self to another in the hope that then they will take care of us and love us. But, if we sell ourselves out that way, we only end up feeling worse about ourselves, and the loop of unworthiness that you are caught in goes on and on.
Trying to get love that way never works, because what gets mirrored is that exact belief, the belief we carry around about ourselves - that we are so not worth loving and that the only way to get it is to let someone else take control of our lives. If we believe we're not worth it, guess how others will treat us if they are our mirrors? If you say "I'll let you hurt me to get security" - even though it's a false security that actually feels awful - guess what you will get back? That isn't loving yourself. No love can happen that way, as you have seen. What would happen if you gave yourself that sense of security by loving yourself unconditionally?
There is also an issue here showing up for you which is an inability to relate. Again - you need to develop the ability to relate to yourself - with love. Then you will relate to others that way and create loving relationships that work. All of this is coming from holding onto ideas that hurt you. That is manifesting for you now even on the physical level - you really believe somewhere that you deserve to be hurt, and the mirror is that the Mother, the one who "ought" to love you, the symbol for you of what LOVE is, is hitting you, screaming at you, etc.
Well, guess what? That's a false belief. You deserve to be loved. What is the origin point for that belief? When did that belief begin? You are made of Love, covered up right now by false beliefs, like dust on a windshield. Even if the windshield is dusty, it's still pure glass underneath, right? It doesn't change, no matter how much dust it collects on its travels. Same with who you are. Do you know this?
If you really want to change all of this and create relationships that work, you need to re-program these hurtful beliefs that you are still holding onto. You must still believe no one would want you if you believe that you have "nowhere else to go." And even when you get to your dad's, the no love energy (in the form of your mom - but it's really your belief about yourself) still comes around to get you again. So, the message is, this energy will keep on popping up no matter where you go because you carry it around inside of you. What would happen if you stopped rejecting yourself? Think on that for a while. It's the big one. Are you ready to have the kind of life that would bring? There are some things you can do here, steps to take, if you choose to:
(1) Take some holotropic breathwork sessions - find a good, experienced practitioner near you. I'd invite you to go at least 10 times minimum.
(2) Order an Aura-Soma oil - #5 would be good for you. Order it at firstname.lastname@example.org or look up Aura-Soma on the 'Net.
(3) Work on balancing your male and female energy: the balance of male and female makes us whole, and when they are balanced and well, we become our own loving mother and father. We all have a feminine side and a masculine side to us. In Jungian psychology, it is termed the anima and animus: the male has an inner feminine, while the female has an inner masculine. This makes total sense, as we all come from both the masculine and the feminine - a mother and a father - egg and sperm. Neither is more or less important than the other - they simply offer us different and very necessary parts of our being. The aspect of the masculine contains (in brief) the more rational, direct, practical, protective, ability to provide for life's necessities, assertive qualities, while the feminine is the creative, intuitive, feeling, nurturing, communicating, visionary part. The feminine also contains the ability to look inward, as the masculine quality is outward directed. Being introspective is a crucial aspect of who we are. It is clear as crystal that one without the other doesn't work to create life, whether that means a literal life, a child, or our own creative, balanced, healthy life as an individual.
There are many ways to get in touch with whatever part of us has been repressed or is out of balance. One excellent method is to do a visualization where you find some quiet, alone time, put on some gentle, soothing music (instrumental, no voices) and, after becoming quiet and relaxed, and breathing deeply and gently for a few minutes, with eyes closed, you ask to see and speak with your feminine side. Then you Trust whatever shows up for you - whether it be impressions, or information, or thoughts, or a flash of memory or understanding. You can hold a conversation with this part and ask it what it needs, asking how you can help it to be more available to you, or more healthy, etc. You can also do this with your masculine side and, as you work and directly connect with both parts of yourself, you will create a new and healthier, more dynamic balance between them. You can ask them to converse together, to share with one another what is needed also to creae a symbiotic and complementary wholeness between them. What is revealed may prove to be quite interesting. I would invite you to do this checking-in consistently for a while to continue the growth process.
(4) Cut the cords between you and your mother. What you will be releasing as you do this will be the old way of relating that has happened between you. You must be willing to let go of what doesn't work in order to create new beliefs that do work for you. When you do this, things will change for you. Read the 'Laws of the Universe' (see the link at the bottom of this page) - read it a lot!! It will help get you clear. Here's how you cut cords:
You and your mom are caught in an old past-life issue of blame and guilt, 3rd chakra issues. Love and hatred 'heart' issues need to be cleansed, and a 7th chakra issue needs to be worked on as well - the ability to trust life. It has gotten pretty crazy between you two - it's up to you to let it go and create something clearer. Your choice. We can make that choice every moment. But you have to generate it inside of you. It's not dependent on anyone or anything else. Do you recognize that as true? Are you willing to let go of being dependent on others to do that for you, and take responsibility for creating and choosing it for yourself? If so, lots of good things can and will happen.
If you play the role of wounded child, you will create the role to match that of abusive mother, still treating you as a child. You can write in new parts for you both. It's your script - you can write it any way you choose. Just get conscious of what you are choosing to believe. You have some deep stored-up sadness to release. Love that lost little girl inside of you and allow her to heal. Imagine holding her while she cries and releases this sadness. Love yourself in this way. You're the one to give it.