"I'm gaining spiritually but humiliated by my lack of success in life"
If I remember correctly, you mentioned that I might write to you occasionally. I feel that I need to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who understands. As you can guess the times are quite rough for me. (I suppose most of the people talk about their problems and less about achievements.) It has been with ups and (much more with) downs since last time - like it is for everyone on this path. As before there has been certain progress on the spiritual level. But my earthly life continues deteriorating. I find it less and less possible to bear humiliation of not being able to do anything constructive, to move from this inertness. It is unbelivable how far one can go in lying and deceiving oneself. In spite of all efforts, exercises, meditation, prayers, (aura-soma and power animal search included; please do not take this remark as offending - I do not question your sincere advice) and god knows what else - I keep loosing the battles. Now I feel drained of energy, having no more patience and hope.
I am afraid that I am about to lose the war. I cannot find satisfaction in some spiritual gains and be a total secular failure at the same time. Maybe I could have lived with it if I was single. My family and friends look down on me as a burned-out and sick. I can't blame them. It has been going like this for almost four years. I really do not know where to search for strength and motivation to persist. I know that one should never give up, but I simply cannot bear this person (ego, acquired personality or whatever it is called) any longer. One of us has to go. What do you think?
Hi - you are dealing with some deep seated issues of fear and intimidation. A lot of what is going on is that you have YOUR OWN programs about yourself - you believe and see yourself as having no self worth - you have a belief that you do not deserve self respect, and so your own respect, for yourself, is pretty much non-existant. You believe, in other words, that you are no good.
What I think you may need to do is find out when the origin point of that belief began. If you will sit quietly in meditation, ask about this gently, and ALLOW whatever first impression you get to come in and be accepted, without judging it. Just ask: "When did this belief I have that I am not worthy of respect originate?" or "What is the origin point of my belief that I have no worth?"
You can also do the same thing for your belief that you are crazy. I also invite you to do it with the issue of intimidation. Sit in meditation and ask: "What is the origin point of my feelings of intimidation?" Allow your Higher Self to answer you. Just allow it to come in.
You mention that you fear that your family and friends think you're not worth anything and that you are crazy, but these are YOUR beliefs about yourself, and they began somewhere. You need to find out when. You are projecting these beliefs that you have inside of you onto others. If they DO say things to that effect to you, they are only reading your script - they are reading in your energy field what you believe to be true about yourself. Living with these beliefs is a terrifying and exhausting thing - you have nothing to stand on, as only LOVE is real. What you are believing about yourself is not Love.
When you receive an answer or impression to these questions, what you may discover is that it was a belief you created that is an illusion. Allow yourself to see how having such beliefs created your life and your distress being the way they are.
There is something also going on here with an issue of sexuality, and not speaking your truth, that has something to do with the depression you go through. This sexual issue also has something to do with the feelings of difficulty you have about providing for your family. I invite you to look deeply into this, perhaps by also asking to see what's going on with this issue in your own meditation, or possibly in therapy. It may be the key for you.
Your intentions toward yourself and your own health are what's going on here. On some level, there is something you don't want to see that has kept you stuck in this misery and despair. If you REALLY want to heal, your intention toward your own health must be so strong that you are willing to face what you need to face, even if it's painful or frightening for you at first. You have to be willing to see that it is your own beliefs that have caused you such pain.
You can set up your healing so that you have an appropriate support system - a counselor or therapist - to help take you through it. When we have finally decided that enough is enough - when we can answer the question: "Do you still need to keep experiencing this?" and the answer is an authentic "NO. I'm done with that. I understand what the illusion was about, and I got the gift - I got what it taught me by experiencing it" ... then you will be ready to move on.
There is a gift to be gained in every illusion - something we are here to learn, and that is the reason we created the whole dramatic illusionary thing or belief in the first place - to learn the real truth. What is the real truth here that you are choosing to learn through all of this?
If there is still some reason you are needing to experience the illusion of not respecting yourself - if there is something your soul has to gain by continuing to experience this for a while - if you still need to be caught in illusion - for anything that is not LOVE is illusion - anything that is not LOVE is not real - then you will continue to carry around the old beliefs that keep you there. Are you ready to move out of this illusion and embrace a whole new way of seeing and believing? If you do, you won't be able anymore to have whatever benefit or pay off you get from holding onto this massive depression. Depression is the lowest form of energy, as what it really is, is a holding down of the truth. Depression is a refusal to see something. Which is fear in its deepest sense. And holding down that truth takes all your energy.
For you, perhaps until now, if you are ready to speak your truth - you'd have rather continued to believe that you are worth nothing than to see what's behind that belief. What created that belief in you? Something did. Are you willing to own it and see it? Only then can you move on from it, realizing why you believed this about yourself all these years. Are you ready to see what that is? If you do, then you'll have to love yourself, as you'll see that those other beliefs were not real and came from some experience you had where you decided that whatever happened meant that you were not worthy of respect. Not facing this has made you feel crazy, because you haven't understood why you have felt so unable and debilitated. Loving yourself is not something you are used to.
Are you willing to really feel that? If you are, then your intention toward yourself has to be one of living in truth, seeing what's really behind these beliefs, instead of living in denial. Some big steps to take here, if you choose to. Let yourself know through all of this, through letting go of what is not real, if you choose to, that you are indeed worthy of respect and love, and that all else is an illusion.