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"Do I tell my new man that he is sexually attractive to me?"

Dear Ayal, I have read some of your advice, and think it is very good, can you help me?

I separated from my husband, 29 years ago, but having taken a vow, "till death", did not seek another partner. Gerry died last October, I was with him to the last, and he said "sorry" just before he died, that meant so much to me. In January, I decided it was time to start looking for a new partner, I joined a dating agency, met a number of people, and since February, have been seeing a very nice man. We meet regularly, and speak for hours on the phone. He has been divorced and not been in a relationship for 12 years. Nothing more than a light kiss on the lips, has taken place.

The reason I left Gerry was because sex was purely for procreation, as far as he was concerned. I spent these 28 years, bringing our three children up, and never thought about my sexual being, and wasn't bothered by it.

Now, all of a sudden I am aware of sexual needs I wish fulfilled. This is my dilemma: do I tell this new man in my life about the reactions that the thought of him is arousing in me, or do I keep quiet, and see how things develop? We are planning events as far away as October, this year, so I don't think we are a one night wonder.

I await your reply, I hope it won't be too far away. I don't know how long I can keep going without some sensible input.

Thank you, Lynne


Hi Lynne - well, it seems that for a long time, you were not concerned much with your sexuality, and now you are ready to bloom with it and explore it, which is a good thing as you will learn a lot about yourself. You also allowed your husband, it sounds like, to dictate the sexual mores for both of you while you were married, and you did not experience expressing your own needs or thoughts in the matter. Now what I am hearing is a desire to set your own standards, express your own desires and wishes, and this is showing up as a need to speak your truth and put out to this new romantic interest what YOU want, as you probably never did that before.

I think it's an important step for you in your own development to be in touch with what you want and be able to express it. There is also the matter however, of being sensitive to the timing of things and sensitive and aware of what another person is ready and available for. My advice to you would be twofold: (1) keep on getting in touch with what you want and need, and feel good about having the right to express it, to share yourself and your truth, to be who you are, and (2) ask for guidance to let you know when the appropriate moment is the right one, when the timing is right, to share how you feel.

Blessings on your new journeys and adventures, Ayal

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