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What Are You Resisting?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

If you are stuck somewhere in your life, the chances are you are stuck because you are resisting something. Many people grew up with one or two controlling parents or caregivers, and therefore learned numerous ways of overtly or covertly resisting being controlled. Who or what are you resisting?


Noah fell madly in love with Celia. It had been a long time since he had felt in love and he was delighted when it finally happened. Given that both Noah and Celia were in their mid 40's, they didn't want to wait long to be together. They had a whirlwind romance and got married within six months of meeting.

However, within a short time, the passion and in-love feelings were gone. What happened?

Celia is a person who loves to feel connected with others. She is also very afraid of disconnection with the people who are important to her. As a result, she wants control over people staying connected with her. She tries to have this control in very subtle ways. It's not anything she does overtly - it's more of a covert energy pull. It's in her eyes, in her smile, in her hug.

People who are not resistant love Celia and feel loved by her. Her subtly pulling energy does not create fear in them of being controlled. In fact, the opposite happens - they see her as a very safe person and open their hearts to her. Most people will tell you what an open and loving person she is.

Noah, however, is a very resistant person. Having experienced the same kind of subtle energetic pull from his mother, he has a deep fear of being controlled. His unconscious response to Celia is to close his heart and withdraw to protect himself from being controlled by her pull. It's more important to Noah to protect against being controlled than it is to be loving. Therefore, the more Celia pulls out of her fear of disconnection, the more Noah resists connecting.

Until being loving to himself and Celia is more important to Noah than protecting against being controlled, his heart will stay closed. If Celia were to pull back completely, he might open his heart again, but it would close as soon as she wanted connection with him. Just her wanting the connection feels to Noah like a pull. This relationship has no chance of regaining the in-love feelings until loving Celia is more important to Noah than protecting against engulfment. He is resisting the very thing that originally brought him joy.


The resistant pattern can continue on the inner level, creating much immobilization. For example, if one part of you is saying, "We"ve got to lose weight, or "We have to get this place organized, or "We"ve got to get the bills paid and the taxes done, or "We"ve got to stop being late everywhere, another part might be saying, "You can't tell me what to do. I don't have to do what you say." It's as if there is an inner controlling parent telling you what to do, just as your parents might have, and an inner resistant child resisting in the same ways you might have learned to resist when you were growing up.

If you are stuck in this inner pattern, it is important to realize that the same thing is true as when resisting another person: it's more important to you to resist being controlled - even if it is by you - than to be loving to yourself. Obviously, if you are overweight, it would be loving to yourself - to your health and well-being - to lose weight. It would be loving to yourself to clean up your living space and get it organized, to pay your bills and get your taxes done, and to be on time. If being loving to yourself were your highest priority, you would do these things or whatever else you are resisting. You are stuck because resisting being controlled, out of a fear of losing yourself, is more important than being loving to yourself.


This same pattern can be operating in reaction to spiritual Guidance. I've counseled many people who clearly hear the small still voice of Spirit guiding them, but refuse to listen out of the fear of being controlled by God. Others resist even the possibility that spiritual Guidance exists for them out of this same fear.

If you are stuck in your life, you might want to look at what you are resisting. You might want to explore the wounded part of you that is so afraid of loss of self - of being controlled, engulfed, smothered - that you resist all that is truly in your highest good. Making this unconscious pattern conscious is the first step to getting unstuck.

About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: or Phone Sessions Available.

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