Trans4mind Home Page
~ A Journey of Self-Discovery ~

Explore Article Library

Reaching Forgiveness

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up?"

"How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me?"

"How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me?"

"How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators?"

"How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?

These are some of the questions about forgiveness my clients have asked me over the 37 years that I have been a counselor.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. Yet forgiveness cannot be forced. We cannot will ourselves to forgive, because if we try to deny the anger, blame and judgment that may still be there, it is likely to come out at some point. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others is the natural outcome of forgiving ourselves and of taking loving care of ourselves. When we judge ourselves, we will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we have forgiven them.

Let's start with the first statement, "How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up? My experience is that as long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates the anger toward others.

As adults, we each have a wonderful opportunity to learn to treat ourselves with the love, respect, caring and understanding that we may have lacked as children. When we don't do this, the past becomes the present as we continue to abuse ourselves in the ways we may have been abused, and then continue to blame others for how we end up feeling as a result of our lack of self-care.

"How can I forgive my spouse for cheating on me? You will not be able to forgive a spouse until you fully take responsibility for your participation in the relationship issues that may have contributed to the infidelity. There are always ways you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed. As you look deeply within and discover how you might have betrayed yourself and learn to forgive yourself, you may reach forgiveness for your spouse, even if you end up leaving the relationship.

"How can I forgive my best friend for abandoning me? The world tends to mirror to us whatever is happening in our own inner system. When we feel abandoned by someone, there is a good possibility that we have abandoned ourselves - that we have failed to attend to our own feelings and needs and have failed to be a loving advocate for ourselves. Once again, you will discover that if you learn how to take loving care of yourself, you will find your anger toward others gradually disappearing.

"How can I face and forgive unforgiving abusers and manipulators? Others behavior actually has little to do with whether we choose to be judgmental or accepting and forgiving. When we learn to be compassionate rather than judgmental toward the wounded, manipulative side of ourselves, we will naturally be compassionate toward others wounded, manipulative behavior. Once again, forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of doing our inner work, of moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion.

"How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get? You will stay stuck in anger and judgment, and in feeling like a victim, as long as you make others responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Others forgiveness has nothing to do with your own decision to judge or forgive yourself.

When you learn to move out of judgment and into compassion - first for yourself and then for others - you will find yourself forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness is the natural outgrowth of compassion.

About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: or email her at Phone Sessions Available. Copyright 2005.


Careers & Employment
Grief & Loss
Kids & Teens
Public Speaking
Self Help
Self Improvement & Motivation
Sexual Relations
Stress Management
Travel and Leisure

From our extensive site, you'll find good info on many topics using this search:

Want to renew your life?

Our online, interactive video workshops present the most effective methods of holistic personal development...
Start off with a Free Life Assessment and a Free Consultation...

Have a question about Trans4mind Training?

Frequently Asked Questions
What Are Our Fees?
Email Peter Shepherd

Support your personal development with these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

This is our selection of favorites, but there's a session for every need! Choose from over 800 Hypnosis Downloads...
Search now on an issue that interests or concerns you...

Welcome to the New Wave in Meditation Technology

Click here to learn more about the iAwake Profound Meditation Program
The iAwake Profound Meditation Program
is a way of enhancing your meditation practice, making meditation not only easier and more enjoyable, but also more efficient and effective.
Profound Meditation provides the smoothest, deepest, richest, most profound meditation experience available anywhere...
Here is a link to a free 20-minute track from iAwake Technologies - a sample of the type of tools that will deepen your meditation immediately and help you quickly become a successful meditator. It's the opening track of iAwake's flagship product, the Profound Meditation Program, called the iAwake Experience...
Learn More and Download the iAwake Experience
We think you'll find this technology a tremendous aid on your transformative journey of becoming your best and most creative self - and you can get started today!
And here's a fantastic resource for self-education...

The World of Inspiration eLibrary

World of Inspiration
A treasure trove of personal development wisdom

Step inside. Just like a real library, there are thousands of quality eBooks presented on three "floors" and in different "rooms." To purchase your $15 Lifetime Membership to the World of Inspiration eLibrary, click the following button:

Payment is made through our secure transaction agent, PayPal.
The transaction is in the language and currency of your choice.
"I want to just say 'WOW!' This collection is probably the best money I ever spent! I've already received many times over in personal enrichment after just 9 days. I've had a past metaphysical background, but even newcomers to this material will really benefit. Thanks again." ~ J.S. (Pennsylvania, USA)
"The collection is everything which you promised. And more! A superb contribution to the good of the world. Many thanks indeed." ~ R.P. (Georgia, USA)
"Just a short note of thanks for the library. I've only had membership for several days now but I already feel this is perhaps the most interesting compilation I have yet seen. Worth far more than the price of admission. The browser linked structure works well and makes it easy to manage such a large storehouse of information. It is rarely that I find something I like as much as this or that I feel strongly enough to write a note like this." ~ P.W. (Minnesota, USA)
Copyright © 1997-2016 Trans4mind Ltd