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Dating Red Flag #3: When Good Sex is Bad

By Alan Stafford

Many people have trouble believing that having wonderful sex on the first date can be a dating problem. We've all experienced instant attraction to another person. Or, we believe that what we feel is love at first sight. As a result, some of us give in to our hormones and to our partners. We have sex on the first or second date.

Sometimes the sex is so-so, and sometimes it's okay. But SOMETIMES, it's just feels GREAT. What could be wrong with that? How could something that feels so good be so wrong? And, how could it be damaging to a long-term relationship, especially if both of us are really attracted to each other?

Why Is It Bad To Have Sex So Soon?

For some of us, it's a moral issue. But for all of us, sex too soon in a new relationship is bad because it delays or destroys true intimacy. When a couple is in a passionate embrace, they aren't talking. Not coherently anyway. They're not connecting in a personal and emotional way. And this is a serious dating problem.

It seems contradictory, and even ironic, that a couple could be physically intimate and yet not know each other as people. But, that's what happens all the time. A short date somewhere, then a long night together, then eight hours of work, and then another long night full of passion. And so it goes, day after day. But one day you realize that you've been having sex with a stranger. You don't know him any better than when you first started dating. This ignorance won't last forever. The incompatibilities in your relationship will soon become obvious.

Your Relationship Problems May Be The Result Of Having Sex Too Early In The Relationship.

This "Sex with a stranger" syndrome is a very common problem. In fact, it is one of the major reasons couples suffer so much when they break up. Sexual intimacy, even after the first date, creates a bond with the other person. It's a biological bond created by the orgasmic response and by the release of certain hormones. But it's still bonding with a stranger.

Eventually, you get to know the stranger better. When you realize you don't really like the person you've come to know, you will still have the bond from the sexual part of the relationship. And that makes the eventual breakup all the more heartbreaking.

Do yourself a favor. Get acquainted first, then save the sex for later in the relationship. Yes, you might wait for several months until you really get to know the other person. The time saved by not having sex can be used to learn about your partner emotionally and spiritually. During that time look for any dating problems. Determine your partner's strong points and weaknesses. If you're not a match, break up and move on. Spare yourself the emotional devastation that almost always results from losing a lover.

When Good Sex Is Great

You can have physical sex on a first date with any number of people out there. Finding your emotional and spiritual soul mate is rarer, but much more precious. Take the time to get to know your partner before moving into the sexual phase. Talk to him or her on your dates, in emails, or over the phone. Do this for several months. As long as it takes to feel an emotional and spiritual connection. Once you've come to know and admire your partner you'll realize that it's far more satisfying to have sex with someone you cherish than to try to cherish whomever you're having sex with.

About The Author
Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach

I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work

Click here to ask Alan a question

about your biggest relationship issue

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©2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts


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