Simple Steps To Having Healthy Relationships
By Brenda Shoshanna
All people want love, then when they get it they become afraid and start running in the opposite direction. On the one hand, they want love and to be in a relationship; on the other hand, they are relieved to get away. It always seems to as if relationships are difficult; difficult to find, difficult to keep and difficult to enjoy.
The fundamental truth is there is never a scarcity of relationships, there is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural condition. Why aren't we in it all the time? What is it that makes us run from the love we are so hungry for? What drives people from the arms of each other, and what would it take to keep them there? In order to answer this question, first we have to understand the difference between Real and Counterfeit love.
Most of us live with the mirage of love rather than the real thing. Like a mirage, Counterfeit love is false and can never bring true satisfaction. Like all mirages, when Counterfeit Love is seen for what it is, it evaporates, leaving no room the real thing. No on runs from love that is real; they cannot. It's too nourishing and too rare. But counterfeit love traps you, scares you, keeps you on the run.
Counterfeit love gives a mirage of water in the desert, and we all know that a mirage wont quench your thirst.
Many feelings masquerade as love; dependency, attachment and possessiveness are just a few. Below I have offered several touchstones to love, which are touchstones to help you separate counterfeit love from the real thing. To begin, we will first look at some needs and patterns inside people that keeps them from really being with the other people, and potential mates, in front of them.
Waiting For The Perfect Partner
Many people have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, waiting for them. This perfect partner will not only accept them fully as they express the parts of themselves that are hidden, but will also bring out the best in them. Rather than criticize, demean and demand from them, the partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his/her needs. Fantasy should not be discounted, as it constitutes much of life.
Rather than looking for perfection outside of yourself by seeking another, find the perfection in yourself right now. List five things you accept and like about yourself.
Add to this list everyday. Focus upon what is good in yourself, and the parts you don't like will fade away. No other person can make you whole. In order to find your perfect partner, you must become what it is you want to find.
Some use the quest for a perfect mate as a way to rejected and avoid being with the real people who come into our lives now. It is a way of avoiding fears that we may have of relationships. See if that is what you are doing. Is it safer to have a fantasy than a real flesh and blood person to build a life with?
Answer the following questions. What are the advantages to having a relationship? How will it improve your life? List as many as you can think of.
What are the disadvantages to having a relationship? How will it affect your live negatively? List as many as you can think of.
In order to resolve any concerns you have about relationships, you first must be aware and understand of them. Now that you have made your lists, please examine the disadvantages. Fantasy is a way of avoiding confronting such feelings. They must not be discounted, and you should ponder them closely. They constitute important obstacles standing in your way of having the relationship you desire. With this new awareness, you are now enabled to begin to resolve these concerns.
How to deal with people who are waiting for the perfect mate.
Be aware when a person is seeking an image, know that you will never perfectly fill that bill. Be who you are. Don't turn yourself into someone you think he/she will enjoy. They will know what you are doing, lose respect, run away.
Be warm and caring. Touch your mate softly. Don't reject his/her fantasies. If he/she is a person who is controlled by his peer group, see if you fit into his/her group image? For some people, the perfect person is stable, without too much passion. For others, it's just the opposite. Find out who the person is. If you do not fit his/her image, say good-bye, don't conform.
Realize that everything changes. What seems perfect one day will seem flawed the next. Examine your feelings about yourself, the ways in which you feel imperfect. Work on these issues directly; Another person can never complete something you are lacking within. See if your desire for perfection is simply a way of avoiding falling from love. It is easier to focus on what is wrong with a person than on what is right? Make a practice of finding everything that is right about all the people you meet, day after day. This will bring you an entirely new perception of people and of life. Accept your own flaws, do not judge them. The more you love and accept yourself, the more perfect others will seem.
Rather than look down upon others, make an effort to focus upon their beauty and goodness. Even if he/she isn't the right one for you, you can train yourself to find reality positive and comforting.
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna
About The Author
Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Ph.D. is a Psychologist and award winning author whose self help books have been published in over 13 languages. Her new ebook, Save Your Relationship, teaches you the 21 basic laws of successful relationships. It shows you how to heal a broken relationship, and how to build health and happiness with your significant other. Download it now: http://www.truthaboutlove.com