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How To Put An End To Rejection

By Brenda Shoshanna

Rejection is one of the most painful experiences in relationships - not only rejection from others, but from ourselves. Although we may not realize it, most of the day, from morning to night, we are often busy criticizing, comparing, judging and looking down on others and on ourselves. In fact, if we look closely, it is easy to see that we reject most of what life brings to us. We often feel there is something wrong with the way things happen, that circumstances and events are usually not just the way we want them. And it is equally hard to be pleased and comfortable with most people we meet. We feel that we have to fix, change or instruct them. When we live with in this state of mind, it is inevitable that we will also experience rejection from others in return. What give out, comes back to us. When we give forth love and acceptance, that is what we receive in return.

As rejection and dissatisfaction is such a common experience for most people, the next question to ask is, how can we put an end to it? What are the steps that we can take to become free of rejection both of others and ourselves? And also to become free of rejection by others as well. When this happens all our relationships become open, positive, constructive and present many wonderful surprises and joy.

Following are some steps to take on this wonderful journey.

1) Do Not Look For The Faults Of Others

Do not look for the faults of others. The moment you notice yourself judging, comparing or criticizing someone, immediately turn this around. Look for something wonderful about that person. Put a stop to the critical mind.

Often the problems we see in others are only reflections of what is going on within. What we cannot tolerate in others, is often something we refuse to acknowledge or accept in ourselves. Loneliness and upset arises from projecting our faults onto others, from trying to control and change them.

2) When Someone You Have Been Close To Hurts You, View It As An Opportunity To Grow.

We often reject another person because we feel hurt, judged or rejected by them. However, there is a better way to view this situation. Rather than turn them into an enemy, view them as a friend. Realize that when someone behaves badly towards you, this gives you an opportunity to grow. You can practice patience, develop a larger perspective, and be forced to find a better way to respond. We do not have to behave the way others treat us, instead we can model a new way of being for them.

3) Take Responsibility: See How You May Have Contributed To This

It is useful to realize that this person may have come into your life to teach you patience, endurance, compassion, or to balance negative actions you have taken yourself over time. Take a moment to ask yourself how you may have contributed, (knowingly or unknowingly) to this painful event taking place in your life. It is possible that you have set certain causes in motion, which are responsible for this now?

Understanding this, we take responsibility for what is happening, for our part in how we perceive others and respond to them. Once we straighten ourselves, correct our own attitudes and open our arms and our heart, the world opens its whole arms to us as well.

4) Do Not Give Up On Others - Do Not Give Up On Yourself

How easy it is to give up on others (and on ourselves). The minute this happens remind yourself not to - return to the relationship with compassion and awareness. As we practice with this kind of "open-heartedness it soon becomes obvious that the way we treat another is the way we also treat ourselves. That which we find ugly or unacceptable in another is simply a reflection of something we find ugly or unacceptable in ourselves. By accepting them, we are healing ourselves as well.

5) Become Life's Friend

As we stop fighting, judging and rejecting, an amazing thing happens; we realize we are all one, fellow travelers upon this vast earth. Whoever appears before us is simply another face of ourselves, a different possibility. Judgment is not necessary. Curiosity and compassion are a better response.

As we do this, we naturally become life's friend. This is the state of mind that accepts, nurtures, and upholds all life. When we are life's friend we see all people as though they were our very own child. Though this attitude may seem impossible in the beginning, with time, mindfulness and steady practice, this kind of mind naturally grows. When this state of mind blossoms, whatever happens the experience of rejection no longer can be found.


Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

About The Author
Brenda Shoshanna

Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship, in Dr. Shoshanna's new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet, (30 Days To Stress Free Living),, Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), and many others. You can contact her at mailto:

Her personal website is:


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