Trans4mind Home Page

My secret formula for a healthy relationship

How many times have you despaired of being understood? How many times do you repress your despair at being rejected by the person who is supposed to love you more than anybody else? And why do you keep those feelings inside you? Because you are afraid of creating a worse conflict if you speak up?

My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of course she was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of pills for life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would toss and turn whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill will provide relief!

When I finally met her, after 6 years of being distant because of geography, I could not recognize my old friend in this frazzled person I had in front of me. She looked older and spent. It took me some time before I had the courage to ask: What is happening to you? And she said "I don't know how to face my husband with the zillion things that harass me in his behaviour, but I'm so angry at him that I could explode any time!"

What happens is that Anne doesn't know how to confront him, she is afraid of his resistance and probably strong denial and thus she leaves a bad situation to escalate into a worst one, where her anger sits in a bed of despair and contempt. Or course, at this time, there is little love or respect left in her for her husband, who is oblivious to the depth of her negative feelings, of course! He thinks that she has stress ulcers! It took some private meetings with her to get to the bottom of her feelings and ask the question:

"Why is that you don't confront him with his negative behaviour"? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face him! Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I don't know how to confront anybody when they do things that upset or damage me!

Is this a picture that you recognize? Could you identify with this situation, where you have neither the permission to confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you afraid of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to defend yourself?

This is partially true: if you confront without knowing how to, in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse response, and so confirm your fears. But, where does not doing a confrontation leave us? If we can't confront, we stay frustrated and resentful, and the anger eats at us inside.

Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive behaviour as before, because nobody told him/her not to do so! When at last we do confront, we do in such state of frustration that results are not encouraging, and the other person, taken by surprise, can react very strongly.

If you don't tell the other person when and how she is infringing on you: * You are not in control of your life, * You have more stress. * You begin carrying emotional baggage of resentment. * The relationship deteriorates and the other person never has the opportunity to improve his behaviour.

THEN, if you confront:

* You get the control of your life back. * You are not a passive victim. * Stress level improves. * Mental health goes back to balance. * There is no build up of emotional baggage.

So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate behaviour? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong behaviour, but asking for the right one:

If you are tempted to say something like: "You are a jerk! How do you dare to leave without asking me if I had my car repaired! You left me behind last night" It is better to say: "I need you to take better care of me. When we have only a car, it would be better to coordinate transportation among us. In this way, I will feel that we are really a good team."

Main parts of this new response are: Focus is on "I" and not on "you," because this expression feels accusatory, and because it helps highlight the issue of what are our needs that are being frustrated now.

The problem is described, as it is -a real transportation problem- in a calm way. And the solution is provided: "checking with each other is a good thing."

Three take away ideas:

1. It is best to confront sooner than later, letting things fester is wrong. 2. It is best to confront skilfully, using this model. 3. Behavioural change requires that we keep confronting about the wrong behaviour up until the moment when it improves, and then we praise the new behaviour.

About the Author
Neil Warner is the Author of the Book: Positive Conflicts, a new guide to Interpersonal Conflicts. He also offers a FREE 5 days Positive Conflist e-Coaching program. For more information Visit:

From our extensive site, you'll find good info on many topics using this search:

Support your personal development with these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

  • Public Speaking Fear ~ Banish speaking anxiety and nerves with hypnosis.
  • Motivate Yourself to Exercise ~ Build a powerful exercise habit that you can't break.
  • Get Rid of Fear & Anxiety ~ Stop worry and apprehension wrecking your life.
  • Self Esteem ~ Break the negative trance of low self esteem and give yourself a chance in life.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
This is our selection of favorites, but there's a session for every need! Choose from over 800 Hypnosis Downloads...
Search now on an issue that interests or concerns you...

View all the Hypnosis Downloads here

The New Wave in Meditation Technology

Click here to learn more about the iAwake Profound Meditation Program
The iAwake Profound Meditation Program
is a way of enhancing your meditation practice, making meditation not only easier and more enjoyable, but also more efficient and effective.
Profound Meditation provides the smoothest, deepest, richest, most profound meditation experience available anywhere...
Here is a link to a free 20-minute track from iAwake Technologies - a sample of the type of tools that will deepen your meditation immediately and help you quickly become a successful meditator. It's the opening track of iAwake's flagship product, the Profound Meditation Program, called the iAwake Experience...
Learn More and Download the iAwake Experience
We think you'll find this technology a tremendous aid on your transformative journey of becoming your best and most creative self - and you can get started today!
Copyright © 1997-2018 Trans4mind Ltd