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How Do I Love Thee?

By Louise Morganti Kaelin

I was recently having a conversation with a client about
relationships and we uncovered an interesting fact:
Sometimes, the way we need to show love isn't the way that
others need to feel love.

I'm sure there are many books written on this subject, but
we came up with a simple way to find out how the other
important people in your life get to feel loved. Just pay
attention to how they show love to you.

For the most part, we know what makes us feel loved, so we
assume that is true for everyone else. When we encounter
others we love, we show them our love by what works for us.
Most of us don't even think about, let alone talk about
it, so it's not surprising that we don't 'get' that
there are different ways to show and feel loved. Some
examples might be:

(a) Physical demonstration, lots and lots of hugs

(b) Small gifts or 'necessities' that say 'I was thinking
about you when you weren't in my face'.

(c) Saying, frequently, 'I love you'.

(d) Asking pertinent questions about your day, how you're
feeling, what you think about things, etc.

(e) Working their butt off to provide the other person with
stability, security, food, shelter.

Here are some ideas to make use of this information:

1. Once you notice how they are showing love to you, and you
know how you show love to them, try an experiment. Within a
half hour period, show them love in two ways. First, show
it your normal way and then within 20 to 30 minutes, show
them love the way you notice they show you love. Check out
the reaction from each. Which one seemed to be felt deeper?
Which one got the biggest smile? Wow! Just think what it
would do to your relationship if you always got that
biggest smile!

2. Either share the experiment or tell the others in your
life what really makes you feel loved. Unless it's pointed
out to us, most of us don't get this 'intuitively'. Why
sit around waiting for them to figure it out when you could
be feeling loved? After all, you needed someone to point it
out to you!

3. If the other person shows their love by working their
butt off to make your life better, I think the simplest way
to have them feel love is to acknowledge what they do and
how much you appreciate it.

4. What makes me feel loved might be different depending on
who the person is (a parent vs a spouse, for example)

5. I probably need all the different forms of being shown
love at different times, depending on what I'm
experiencing at the time. However, there is one that is
dominant, that will do the trick most of the time.

6. It is possible to experience the shift of 'knowing'
that you are loved to 'feeling' you are loved. And
feeling that you are loved may be one of the greatest
tonics ever.

About the Author

(c) Louise Morganti Kaelin. Louise is a Life Success Coach
who partners with individuals who are READY (to live their
best life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to
accept total support). Find many free resources to assist
you in living the life of your dreams at For her free newsletter
of insightful, practical suggestions for creating your best
life, email

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