No More Oreos? Tell Me It Isn't True!
By Harriet Silkwood
Another good citizen comes to the aid of the ignorant public. After years of eating Oreo's, and enjoying them tremendously, somebody put on a pound or two. Who's to blame? You know somebody is to blame. It couldn't be the fault of the user. Did she exercise? Did she walk? Did she do her housework? No, she sat in front of her T.V. and ate Oreos.
When she realized she had gotten a little pudgy around the middle, she didn't like it. She complained to a lawyer friend. The lawyer friend listened to her crying about being fat and did his best to assure her she was still beautiful. To make her feel better, he got them both glasses of milk and took a fresh bag of Oreo's from her cabinet. Making themselves comfortable at the kitchen table, they continued to dip the cookies and argue whether she was fat or not. For hours. Finally, to shut her up, he said he would find the cause, he knew it wasn't her fault and he told her so.
And what did he discover while reading the ingredient list on the side of the bag? It is the fault of Oreos! There is fat in the white filling! Who would"ve thunk it? I wonder which college he went to? He was amazing! Now, another American icon is about to be erased.
Dads will not be able to show their sons how to twist off the top cookie carefully, so they can lick the filling off. Little brothers will no longer be able to dip their Oreo into their big brother's glass of milk, and enjoy a bit of brotherly camaraderie before being pushed away. What will mothers put in the lunch boxes? Will we be able to carry this one more straw of added stress in our daily lives?
In the years to come, someone will remember Oreos lovingly, and the children will say, "What the heck is an Oreo?
Or, "tell us about the old days, Daddy, when you use to eat Oreos." Fathers will sigh sadly, and brush a tear away.
People are going to start hoarding them, just wait and see. The neighbor across the street just put a padlock on his freezer in his garage. I just know he has Oreos in there.
On Halloween, Oreo came out with orange filling. (I wonder if it was to get rid of the white filling that had the fat in it? Hey, it works for me.) They also have double chocolate. A cookie with chocolate filling. Oh, they probably have a lot of new ideas in their secret files. Now, what will they do if they are shut down?
People will lose their jobs. Nabisco will go bankrupt. It's a real shame, but will the good citizen, with the over zealous lawyer, care? No. Her concern is over the rest of us getting fat. She is looking out for us that are too ignorant to know there is fat in the filling. Anyone out there who didn't already know this? Anyone?
I like fat. It keeps my hair shiny and my skin soft. Doing without a bit of fat turns you into a dried up prune with straw for hair. I'd rather be round, myself.
Oreos are the cookies of distinction. You don't just buy chocolate cookies. You must buy Oreos. When you bring the kids in for milk and cookies, they hear "milk and Oreos! Can any other cookie put that ring of chocolate around a child's mouth so neatly? I don't think so.
If this can be done to the King of cookies, what's next? Ice Cream? Reese's minis? The Golden Arches? It's time for people to revolt. Stand up for your right to eat Oreos! In the meantime, run and grab all you can before they're gone!
Update! May 17, 2003
The suit has been dropped. Wow! People can stand up and be revolting - it works! Kids can now enjoy their Oreo's, and mom and dad will not have to freeze them or hide them from the neighbors.
I wonder what else is on the Endangered Food List?