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The Woman's Guide to Younger Men

I often awake to find Beverly, my older wife, wrapped around me like a Virginia creeper. In the nineteen years since we met, she has shown me what true love is, and I couldn't live without it. For the first time, I have someone who wants me as much as I want her.

Falling in love with an older woman is the best thing I ever did, and I'm not alone. The percentage of women marrying younger men doubled over the past two decades, and women marrying for the second time are seven times more likely to marry a younger man.

Listen to women with younger husbands or lovers and you'll hear:

  • "We're a perfect fit,"

  • "He accepts me as I am,"

  • "He keeps me young,"

  • "I liked it on top."

If you haven't discovered the joys of a younger man, it's probably cultural. Close your eyes and imagine a romantic couple snuggling together. One person is older and distinguished; the other is young and sexy. What do you see in your mind's eye? If it's an older man with his second (or third) wife, you're not alone. Hollywood is run by men, so it's hard to escape their fantasies.

Perhaps it's time to rewrite the script. Women who consider younger partners triple their chances of finding the love they deserve. More importantly, older women and younger men enjoy equal, open, and exciting relationships. As one forty-seven year old divorcee with a twenty-eight year old lover says, "Younger men are just more fun."

The first step in finding the right partner is to know more about yourself. What are you passionate about? Think about people, places, objects, issues, careers, organizations, and hobbies. Write down several, starting with the most important.

Close your eyes and imagine your ideal soulmate. What things must you share? What's "negotiable?" (Careful, this doesn't mean ignoring your feelings, denying deeply held beliefs, or trying to change someone else). What's "non-negotiable?"

Imagine yourself on your deathbed. What are three things you wish you had done? This may seem like a curious way to find a mate, but sometimes we're too busy living our lives to question whether it's the right life. Think about what you really want, not what you think you should want. This might include raising a family, succeeding at your career, building a business, fighting for an issue, or finding a spiritual community. We all have many roles in life, but pick your top three priorities.

Now look in the mirror and remember yourself ten years ago. Didn't you have many of the same hopes and dreams then that you have now? Imagine the ideal partner for your younger self. Before thinking "he's too young for me," ask, "too young for what?" It might be time to "think again" about younger men.

If you can't imagine yourself with a younger man, let your interests, aspirations, and values guide you. The best way to find someone worthwhile is to become the person you always wanted to be. By being good to yourself and others, you help people become better and you attract better people.

Visualize doing something with your soulmate (no, outside the bedroom). Where are you? Browsing at the local bookstore? Jogging? Building homes for poor families? If you're looking for the right person, you can meet your ideal partner anytime, anywhere, doing almost anything.

The most important thing is to be yourself rather than pretending to be someone you think others will want. Remember the "rules" for women that advised: "Don't talk to a man first" and "Don't call him and rarely return his calls"? You can make your own rules by understanding that age is an asset. If you believe in yourself, you'll look for someone to complement you rather than complete you.

Start by being less concerned about whether a man is older, wiser, richer, taller, or all the things you might have wanted when you were sixteen. the most important thing about a man is his character. Younger guys may need guidance, but we all teach others how to treat us, and older women are better teachers.

No matter what your age, you don't need to change the world to find love, sometimes all that has to change is you. If you are open to a different kind of relationship, a younger man will appear in your life. It happens all the time.

Copyright 2004 'Chris K. Olander

Chris Olander, author of The Ageless Love trilogy at, is Executive Director Emeritus of two private foundations in New York City. He lives with his wife Beverly in Cornwall on Hudson, NY.

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