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More Effective Communication with Children - Part 2

By Robert Najemy

How we communicate now.
More Effective Communication with Children - Part 2

Robert Elias Najemy


Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basic categories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those who suppress the others by raising their voices, blaming and criticizing the others, ordering them around in various ways.

The first group of self-suppressors eventually develops various physical and psychological problems, through the suppression of their needs, emotions and beliefs.

The second group may manage to get what they want from the others, but they also cause the others to develop feelings of resentment towards them.

Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative? There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppress our feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming the other in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neither speak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as two mature adults, who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities.

This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children for our unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worth and self-love.


Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we are feeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious (usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could be called a "programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what is happening. What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, and conclusions. These affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect how we act towards our children and others.

We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling that way, so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effective communication - the truth.

Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simply have not yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discover why we are feeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings and beliefs to see whether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habits and fears which we have been programmed into us and which are causing us to mechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto our children.

There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventually there is revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come into conflict with the forces of change and evolution which are working through our children. The result is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt our children's beliefs or ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine our programmings, needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid, fair and practical.


Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in the world. How we feel is a function of how we interpret the world and events around us. Each person, observing the same event, will feel differently depending on his or her childhood programming, expectations, attachments and fears. No two people will feel exactly the same while observing the same event, or receiving the same stimulus.

What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate what we feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They are transmitted like radar to those around us without words or expression.

We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection to our children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is not truthful communication.

Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feel anger. But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for our unhappiness. We use phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid", "you will not do anything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are driving me crazy". "you are making me ill.".

These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children and are programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words come true. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true. No matter how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed in believing that they is okay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt their worth,

Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that the other is responsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations are responsible for how we feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret the events around us.

"You-messages" are destructive to our children's self-image and close the door to open communication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way but we will lose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A more effective method of communication is called the "I-message".

To be continued

If you would like to receive a free email course with 16 messages concerning how we can help our Children, Send in an email to the following address to get one message each week on Life's Lessons for 16 weeks.

* Robert Elias Najemy is the author of over 600 articles, 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony and 20 books; sold over 100,000 copies. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at

About The Author
Robert Elias Najemy who is the author of 20 books which have sold over 100,000 copies. He is the founder and has been the director of the Center for Harmonious Living in Athens, Greece for the last 26 years. The center has a membership of 3000 clients and 600 students. He has lectured over 25,000 hours and has worked with around 20,000 persons through personal appointments, classes and seminars. He has produced over 500 cassettes and videocassettes with an abundance of information or human harmony. He is not a psychologist, nor a doctor but rather a chemical engineer who gave up his profession 35 years ago in order to study human nature and all aspects of human health, happiness, harmony and spiritual development. He has a certificate in Counseling from the Counseling & Psychotherapy Central Awarding Body (UK) and certificates as a practitioner of three forms of Energy Psychology; specifically Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Tapas Acupuncture Techniques (TAT) and Thought Field Therapy (TFT). Robert has developed a six-year self-knowledge seminar which is taught at his school and has also been recorded on 200 acoustic and videocassettes and is thus available in other cities. He has trained more than 250 life coaches, 50 of whom now work with him in Athens, Greece and other affiliated centers around Greece and Cyprus.

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