Communication with Your Lover
By Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed.
Communication with your lover is probably "the most important factor for not only a satisfying sexual relationship but for a relationship
in general. If we do not communicate with our lover we can't be satisfied. Many of us falsely believe that our lover can read our mind
or that they should instinctively know how to please us. This is a very destructive belief for not only the sex, but the relationship as a
Each one of us is different. If we are in a new relationship it takes time to learn what each other likes. Your new lover probably has
different needs in regard to what they like and how they need to be touched than your previous lover. If it is a long-term relationship we
need to continually explore and discover one another's bodies, needs and desires. We need to let our lover know what we need.
I am often surprised when I hear from couples who have been together for a long time that neither one of them really knows each
other's bodies, needs, desires or fantasies and they are not able to ask their partner for what they need sexually to be satisfied.
I sometimes hear statements from males such as this:
"my wife doesn't know how to satisfy me"
"my wife has different erotic needs than mine and can't satisfy me"
Men are often not able to tell their partners that they really need to have oral sex on a regular basis to be satisfied or they are not able to
their partner that every now and then they would like their lover to whisper in their ear and say "Oh, baby, fuck me in the ass or
"Please fuck me"
And because men often crave this kind of naughtiness and it really arouses them they often get this kind of sex "on the side from
another woman who gives them this kind of sex without them having to ask for it.
Their partner would probably be completely shocked to know her man likes such naughty talk and would never dream he is getting it on
the side, because he has never told her what he likes and has hid this piece of himself from her.
On the other hand women sometimes have difficulty saying to their partner that they need more touching, kissing, affection, afterplay,
foreplay or intimacy in order to make sex more satisfying. So many women go around completely unsatisfied or shut down and give up
and decide they don't really like sex anymore and quit giving it to him, which again leads him to get it "on the side." While other women
may turn to someone else "on the side who can meet their emotional needs and therefore make the sex better for her.
There would be no need or desire for either partner to be unfaithful if each partner would just be honest with each other and
communicate their needs, desires and preferences. Your wife (partner) can be the lover you need if you teach her how to satisfy you
and let her know what you like and need. Your husband (partner) can be the lover you need him to be if you do the same. If our needs
are met in our relationship, there is no need or desire for unfaithfulness.
For a relationship to be successful each partner is responsible to communicate their needs to the other and each partner is responsible for
meeting the needs of the other. If you have a partner who is not willing to learn and not interested in satisfying you then you would want
evaluate whether this is a relationship you should be in.
There should also be a healthy balance of give and take in each partner and sexual requests should be within reason. No one should
have to engage in any activity that is degrading, violent or disrespectful. For example: if your lover needs to call you a slut or a whore or
to harm you in order to get aroused there is a serious problem here and some guidance should be sought.
Talk openly, direct and honest. Be specific. Tell your partner where, when and how to touch, how much pressure, how much speed,
timing, what, when and how to say, etc. etc.
This kind of communication is in contrast to erotic communication, which occurs during the act of lovemaking. It is best to talk about
these kinds of issues outside of the bedroom, so it won't spoil the moment and so you can take time to work things out. If you are
revealing something new to your lover it can take a while to assimilate what has been shared. Communication should be on going.
Needs, desires and preferences change over time. It is a journey of continual discovery and exploration of one another.
If this is a new behavior for you it may feel uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway! It will get easier with time. Sharing yourself in this
way will bring you and your partner closer together and enhance your sexual satisfaction. It will increase your intimacy, decrease the risk
of unfaithfulness and increase your sexual satisfaction. Your relationship as a whole will be happier, more fulfilling and satisfying in
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed. is a writer, educator, advisor and coach specializing in sexual intimacy, erotic communication and keeping the fire burning in your relationship.
A FREE E-zine packed full of tips, advice and erotic stories to keep the sizzle in your relationship can be found at her website.