Controlling Ourselves, Our Lives, and the People in Them
By Gabrielle Kortsch, Ph.D.
Many of us fall into the fallacy of believing that we can control our
environment and the persons who people it. Therefore, we steadfastly
cling to the mistaken belief that if only we could make our spouse more
emotionally available, or if only we could make our parents less
intrusive, or if only we could make our boss more approachable, or if
only we could make our teenage offspring more manageable, or if only we
could make our neighbours less noisy, life would be wonderful. And we
spend our time working on devising ways of changing these people,
driven by the conviction that this would be the solution to all or most
of our problems. The truth of the matter is that the only one we
actually can control is our self.
Other Side of the Coin
We rarely look at this other side of the coin…the fact that if we
want to achieve any kind of change in our lives, it has to begin with
our self. Frequently change that we bring about in our own person will motivate
change in others, almost like a ripple effect that can be observed in a
pond when you throw a pebble into the water, but this change in others,
or in the environment should not be the stimulus to your own change. That should be sought for itself, in order that you can become more of
what you really are, and are capable of being; in other words, in order
that you grow into yourself.
The Silver Bullet
Evidently the eternal question is: how do you change or control
yourself? What is the magic formula? Is there a silver bullet? And the
simple answer is choice. Knowing that no matter what you feel,
think, say, or do, you always have choices and alternatives, is one of
the most enriching and liberating thoughts there is. When you are
reacting to a given event, brought upon by your own thoughts, a
nostalgic song on the radio, another person, a difficult financial
situation, or even a cataclysmic global incident, always ask yourself
whether there are alternatives to your current way of reacting. Then
ask yourself whether any of those alternatives are feasible, and
whether they would make a positive difference as compared to the
initial mode of reacting you had intended. By consciously choosing
to react differently, you are not only controlling yourself by
self-awareness, but you are also changing yourself because your
reaction is no longer unconscious, and thus you are offering yourself
one of the greatest gifts of all - freedom from that blindness.
Dr. Kortsch holds a doctorate in psychology and dedicates
herself to integral coaching, clinical hypnotherapy, relationship
coaching, and energy techniques. She is an author and professional
speaker and broadcasts a live weekly radio show
in English that is available on the Internet or for listening on her
website, and has appeared in numerous television programs in English
and Spanish. She can help you move towards greater personal and
relationship success with her integral approach to life and offers
training and workshops in the field of self-development and choosing
responsibility for the self. Visit Advanced Personal Therapy.com and sign up for her cutting-edge newsletter in English or Spanish, or visit her blog for more timely articles.
