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Recently, a very attractive woman, Jennifer, told me that one of her greatest fears was that she would have sexual relations with a man and that he would then abandon her. She wanted a life partner, but based on her fear and her actions, I could see that she was inviting the very behavior she feared most. In my experience, this is quite common.
Jennifer's behavior was similar to that of a Swedish woman I met ten years ago and that of an actress I met this summer. All three women had been conditioned to use their beauty to get what they wanted - offering the promise of future sex in return for things and experiences they wanted now. However, this reliance upon the body - and ultimately, the ego's idea of fulfillment - is a recipe for disappointment, if not misery.
Men frequently sabotage themselves in a different way. They have been conditioned to equate their "net worth" with their "self worth," and will often use money to get what they want. They will buy their date gifts or take them to fancy restaurants in the hopes that their date will reciprocate with sex. This approach may eventually result in temporarily satisfaction; but, again, this reliance upon one's financial wealth - and ultimately, the ego's idea of fulfillment - will not get them what they truly want.
What both men and women really want is intimacy. It cannot be purchased or bartered for sex. On the contrary, it can be offered freely, without cost, and is a path to fulfillment.
The verb "intimate" means "to make known." When you are physically intimate with your partner, you are obviously "making known" the physicality of your body. But "intimacy" is not limited merely to the physical dimension. Intimacy is a "making known" of who you are on every level: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. It is a state of being fully present with another. It is a willingness to be completely honest; literally, to "bare your soul." Intimacy means being yourself.
When a man or woman feels safe and secure, he or she can be his or herself. Amma, the hugging saint from India, came to Los Angeles this past summer. She embodies nurturing, loving energies. Her event was an ideal setting to meet and see people as they truly are.
The actress I met there seemed to be open, spontaneous and fun. Early on, she revealed that she had never had a love relationship last more than six months. One week later, she was fearful and calculating, while dropping sexual hints of "things to come." When I pointed out the mixed signals she was sending, she exploded, completely unwilling to look at her behavior with any degree of objectivity.
In her view, here was another man who did not meet her expectations. In my view, here was a woman destined to repeat her experience of dissatisfaction, since she refused to take responsibility for the lack of intimacy in her life and was attempting to use her physical attributes to attain emotional and spiritual wholeness.
My Swedish friend would dress suggestively and use sexual innuendoes (including physical touch) to hint at "things to come." Energetically, she could withhold or unleash her kundalini energy at will. Often she would do so when there was little chance of physical intimacy, such as in a public place or when I had to be somewhere else.
If the "on again, off again, maybe I will, maybe I won't" behavior continues in an emerging relationship, even after sexual relations, most men will disappear and the woman will have "proven" once again that men are "only after one thing and must guard it to avoid being abandoned." This is a type of conditional love, which is a barrier to intimacy.
Men are equally guilty. Aside from not sharing their feelings, they will often encourage this "barter economy" by implying that they have invested sufficiently to get the promised rewards. This makes a woman feel like a commodity (or worse). Both of these behaviors act to block intimacy.
Intimacy does not mean sleeping with someone before you are comfortable (if ever) or throwing money and gifts at them to show you care. It is being open and giving of yourself. There is nothing more charismatic than a person who radiates his or her true essence.
Energetically, your openness with your partner can be felt (and seen by those who are clairvoyant) by the opening of the chakras, or energy centers. In general, the more that are open, the greater the potential connection with your partner.
When all your chakras are open, especially your heart and crown chakra (pineal gland), you can more easily attune with God/the Universe/the One. You are connected with who you truly are and, consequently, you are "intimate with yourself." Then, you are more fully "ready" to be intimate with your partner. Even better, you have much more to share.
When this is the case, there is no overwhelming biological imperative to seek out a partner. You are already feeling complete. Your desire in finding a partner, then, arises from the natural impulse to share your "completeness" and to deepen it, by merging your energy with your partner's.
It is our spiritual destiny to be intimate with others and with ourselves. So rather than trying to buy or trade for what is your birthright, just be yourself.