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The Relationship Mirror
By Jafree Ozwald
Everyone here on earth has incarnated to accomplish one major thing. We are here to transcend our limiting beliefs, unhealthy addictions, and feelings of lack, being unlovable and unworthy of what we want. We are here to find the Source of Love within ourselves, discover that we are infinite beings capable of manifesting the most miraculous experiences, and are on an eternal journey through a multi-dimensional, multi-sensual reality we are co-creating each moment. We are here to unravel our selves intimately with each other and use the reflection we receive back to be a guide towards reaching our highest most enlightening state of consciousness.
When it comes down to it, we all want to discover a much more enlightened approach to life, a more wholesome connected way of experiencing others, reality and ourselves. Everyone has karma and deep dark personal issues they are dealing with. You wouldn't be born on Earth if you didn't. Whatever issues that you have inside you are here to awaken you to your greatness. These issues are instigators and initiators of a deeper understanding of the divine being you really are. Without your issues, you would be an unemotional, bland, one dimensional being, who doesn't have much flavor. Your issues provide you with a little salt, so that you taste amazing for the rest of us to enjoy.
Our personal issues are dark, powerful and precious. We feel they are like festering wounds, so we keep them hidden from sight so that nobody can touch them, especially ourselves. We then get occupied and distracted with a hundred and one things in life, and then years go by and we forget this goldmine of energy is buried here, near the core of our being. These issues are hidden in our tissues, and they can be sooooo deep that its almost impossible to see them unless another light, mirror or reflection is being offered. This is the one thing that can uncover them, reveal their true nature and lift them out from the deep dark abyss. This mirror reflection is having an intimate relationship with another human being. Through opening yourself to another human being, allowing them to see into you, connecting on a deep honest authentic personal level, your issues have a chance to be brought to the surface to be revealed and healed. The most amazing thing is that the more intimate the relationship is, the more powerful and complete your healing process will be.
Relationships serve you like the most perfect armor piercing mirror and here's how: Eventually after you feel comfortable with someone, the guard inside you comes down. You start to really relax, be your real self and stop trying to interact in a way that is socially acceptable. Sometimes it takes hundreds of hours with another human being before this happens, yet eventually it does and the deep dark issues start to bubble up to be seen. We want the other to get to know and see ALL of our parts, so that we have nothing to hide and can be radically open and real. This is the time when you can get unconsciously "triggered" by something they do or say and can utilize this beautiful opportunity to see ourselves in this perfect mirror.
Anytime another person really triggers you, upsets you in any emotional way, makes you boil or steam with fury inside yourself, these are the issues that you are negating and in denial of inside yourself. Whatever you feel that the other person is doing to you, is exactly what you are doing to yourself internally, yet it is happening on such a deep unconscious level that you cannot see it. You think THEY are doing this to you. Your triggered emotion is simply showing you an old deep self-sabotaging pattern that you have not yet been able to heal, love or accept within yourself. The sabotaging pattern is manifesting on the outer world, through your relationship, so you can see it, feel it, own it and heal it on the inside. The triggering emotional energy enables you wake up, move deep into the core emotion, and actually see where its roots are coming from in your past.
For example: A wife may feel her husband is constantly criticizing her every day for not being perfect. She feels that every word that comes out of his mouth has some critical feeling behind it. She then begins labeling and judging him as being a very critical person, believing it has nothing to do with her. The husband may or may not be saying anything critical at all, yet her ears are highly attuned to it, super receptive and sensitive to criticism, so she tends to project this trait onto him and "pull" even more criticism out of him.
The wife in this case will manifest a critical person on her outer world because her self-criticism is so hidden from her awareness, she needs a mirror to reflect it back to her. She is unaware how she's been constantly criticizing herself inside since her childhood, never feeling good enough inside. Her whole life was spent striving to be perfect for her father, and yet never able to satisfy him and be "perfect enough" for his requirements. Being incomplete with her dad she now projects this need to complete and heal this part of herself now onto the next closest male energy, her husband. Her husband serves her as being a mirror, reflecting the pattern happening inside her so she can dig to the roots and take responsibility for her self-criticizing habit. As the husband helps brings awareness to how critical she is of herself, she begins to stop blaming him for the issue she is most needing to heal.
"The world is a looking glass. It gives back to every man a true reflection of his own thoughts. Rule your mind or it will rule you." ~Buddha
The interesting thing with relationship mirrors is that they are never ever one sided. In the case of the husband and wife, the husband will also have an issue that fits like perfect puzzle piece next to his wife's issue. In his childhood, his mother may have been demanding, impatient and gave him very little space to be himself. So whenever the wife gets upset saying he is being critical of her, he hears the demanding impatient voice of his mother and gets triggered by that. The emotional demands that his mother placed on him as a child, continues to be the same demands he places on himself. Never knowing how to create healthy space with the female, all his relationships with women since childhood have had boundary issues. The husband now has a super sensitive listening for anything that resembles a woman being demanding of him, and thus until he heals his issue inside, he will manifest demanding possessive women wherever he goes.
At the deepest level, we are all manifesting magnets for the experiences that we most need to have. The Universe doesn't just give you randomly generated relationships and experiences for trivial fun and enjoyment. Each encounter, person and experience that comes into your life has real meaning, purpose and a deeper understanding inside it. If you're willing to dig around and look for it you'll find it. The incomplete issues from our childhood yearn to be healed, and the symptoms will continue manifesting in the outer world, being brought up in one relationship after the next, until you take full responsibility for your issue and move through it. Just start by being more aware of how others trigger you, and what exactly they trigger you about.
What's fascinating I find is that we have some level of relationship with everyone we see, and thus are capable of creating a level of intimacy with anyone. This means you could get triggered because the trash man left a mess, the government isn't doing the right thing, the crazy driver on the highway is out of control, the postman never smiles at you, your boss is too controlling, your neighbor is too talkative, the kid next door is too sad and pathetic, or perhaps your own child is too needy and demanding. Whatever your triggering issue is, the world will bring it out of you. You know its your issue because not everyone is triggered by the same exact thing.
My invitation for you today is to notice one special thing each time you are triggered. Notice the thread of judgment, reaction or emotional energy that has become your comfortable repetitive robotic pattern. Notice how you may defend yourself, saying this person is wrong and you are right. Notice how you may tend to focus the energy outside yourself instead of inside. Notice why you may tend to ignore looking inside yourself and own your personal shit, your closed down energy, your negative attitude about this or that, and choose to project your stuff onto them and NOT be responsible for creating it. Bring awareness to all your unconscious patterns. See how each closed energy in you has been with you since childhood, weaving its way throughout every similar relationship and circumstance your entire life. The only reason that your issues haven't healed or changed is because you never took full responsibility for creating your wound in the first place.
When you are willing to dive into yourself, into your past, uncover when this pattern first started and take full responsibility for why you chose it instead of a more empowered path, then you've really taken the steering wheel back on your life. The most challenging person or experience can come your way and you be at peace and perhaps even laugh. The people that used to make your life a living hell, will become your best friends or perhaps fade and dissolve away. By taking responsibility for the darkest issues in your tissues, you can truly feel peaceful and amazing all the time. You become a guiding light for others to follow. By taking responsibility for every tiny little trigger that arises in you, you become free. You become an example for the world to follow. By simply living, you show others how to grab their steering wheel and choose to drive down the road of lightness, laughter and healing the issues in their tissues.
"The day on which we come to know the supreme consciousness within us, then the outside world will also appear to us like the expanse of the supreme consciousness. The whole will be a mirror to us when we become a mirror within." ~Osho
Once you know yourself intimately, you understand what your deepest core issues are about and then can start bringing more and more gentle soft loving awareness to it. It is only through using a state of pure loving awareness that your wound has any chance to heal. It may not sound like much, yet this awareness alone is the most powerful healing force you have. All by itself, loving awareness is all you really need to transcend any issue you keep repeating. By being perpetually aware of your issue, remaining the calm distant accepting witnesser in the background, you soon become liberated from it. Awareness can act like a laser beam that burns through the emotional cobwebs which where your issues have you entangled. The emotional strands of interwoven beliefs which held you in a victim pattern cannot remain fixed. Pure awareness disperses these patterns and frees you instantly.
Once you have discovered what your core pattern or issue is, and you have taken full responsibility for creating it, you can use this simple method below to transcend it. Try it, this technique is very simple and works amazingly. The first thing is you write down on a piece of paper what your main issue is and carry it with you wherever you go. You want to work on one at a time, for its hard enough conquering one monster per day let alone two. So for the husband and wife example, she would write, "I am critical of myself and always trying to be perfect" and he would write, "I'm putting demanding pressure on myself to show up a certain way." The next step is to wait for the ripe moment when the issue gets emotionally triggered inside you. You want to build up anticipation and excitement inside you, so that you actually are eagerly looking forward to being triggered! I know this sounds crazy, yet by making it a conscious intentional adventure, it gives the experience a whole new twist. Imagine, the most exciting moment of your day is when you innocently being yourself and suddenly you are triggered by your beloved... what a great surprise!
Now here's the really fun part. The moment this person triggers you, stop whatever you're doing and throw your arms around them and say, "Thank You!" Give them a big genuine hug from your heart. Honestly thank them for helping you bring an even deeper awareness to seeing, revealing and releasing your core issue. If they are not physically there and able to be hugged, imagine you are doing it. Then during your hug, really relax your body and imagine you are releasing and letting go of your core issue by repeating this statement with feeling. The wife would say, "I'm now letting go of my need to criticize myself and try to be perfect!" and when he would be triggered he would hug her and say, "I'm now letting go of my need to put demanding pressure on myself and show up a certain way." You can say it out loud or inside your head, yet the key is to feel it is real.
This is a very powerful life transforming exercise that will heal ancient old wounds, deep core issues, and perhaps even save your marriage. It does take practice, commitment, a deep willingness to do your inner work and let go of any ego trip that may cause you to ignore or postpone doing this exercise. Healing your life means you are choosing to let go of your need to be right. The judgment you had about yourself, the other, the neighbor, whoever...it was an ego trip needing to be righteous, stop being defensive, in charge, and an escape for not taking responsibility for your core issue.
When it comes down to healing ourselves, we need to be wrong before we can make things right. The ego has to be set aside in order to give enough space for love and a new awareness to pour in. The secret to letting the love in is finding peace with your issues to such a degree that they are like old friends. When you are thanking the person who triggered you for being a perfect mirror, and are no longer reactive, you have truly healed the deepest patterns inside. Without mirrors in your life, we would all still be groping around in the darkness like Neanderthals trying to find our way out of the cave. The mirrors in your life are sacred. They serve you to find your spiritual path so that you can live out your life's real purpose on Earth. My invitation is that you make yourself a priority this month. Do whatever it takes to deeply transform and heal your precious life.