Let me say more about control so you begin to see control for what it is. Control is anything you use to avoid reality at any given moment in time. You may have the best intentions in the world, such as becoming healthier and happier, and still end up controlling yourself.
For example, if you are in therapy or some healing process, you might say to yourself, "I have to heal myself. I have to become healthy. I have to do it this way, to do it the right way."
You end up doing the things you "should" do or are "supposed" to do, to heal yourself. Whether your goal is to be more spiritual, or to control your diet, or control your exercise. The result is you are making yourself be a certain way. You are in a state of unhealthy control when you must exercise a certain way or eat in a certain way.
You begin to recognize control by the energy behind your words, actions and behaviors. You cannot recognize control by the content. The content is full of lies, which your ego tells you. Words lie. Energy does not.
Control is a mechanism you use to force yourself to go too fast or too slow. Or in a certain direction you don't really want to go. You begin to notice control by the feel of the energy and not by the content.
Your ego may say to you," Let's go swimming tonight." You think to yourself, "Do I feel like going swimming tonight? " Your ego says, "You know how much you love to go swimming." "Yes, I love swimming more than anything else in the world." Yet, when you pay attention to yourself, you notice, " I don't feel like going swimming tonight." The ego insists," Oh yes, you do!"
As you can see, the way you control yourself can be very subtle and insidious. Begin to notice your ego by its controlling energy so you stop letting it ruin your life. Another example is when you pretend your feelings are not hurt when they really are hurt. Or you pretend you are not afraid, when you really are afraid.
In addition, you can exaggerate you are more upset than you really are. You can react to something as if it was the worst thing in the world and it really isn't the worst thing in the world. You just act like it is the worse thing in the world. This is your ego over reacting.
When I was developing an equal and loving relationship with my mother, she turned whatever I bought up to her about my past hurt feelings against herself. She said, "Oh, what a terrible mother I am. What a horrible mother I was to you," which, of course, was not true. I was not saying she was a terrible mother, I just wanted to express how I felt to her and be listened to. My mother's behavior completely avoided the real situation with me.
What I needed was a real mother to relate to me as a real child. When my mother attacked herself, she was copping out on me. She was not taking responsibility for herself. She was saying what a terrible mother she was, instead of meeting me as an equal and dealing with how I had felt hurt and betrayed by her.
My mother did not say, "I didn't know you felt this way. I am sorry. Let's deal with this. Let's relate to each other and come to know each other." Thanks goodness, we were able to cry together and see each other's point of view in a year or so.
Healthy emotional flow is the result of resolving your past hurts and traumas. You achieve health by giving up control. Instead, accept and be your real self. Your real self has plenty of vital, colorful energy flow. More than enough, to jump up and down, with joy.
Dr. Doris is a licensed psychologist with 30+ years of experience helping people love more, feel better and self actualize. She is pioneer in creating a new psychology which embraces healthy emotional and physical energy flow as sign of mental health, emotional health and physical health. For more tips and tools sign up for her free weekly newsletter at Doris Jeanette.com.