She knew that his desire was to be helpful. Yet, speaking to him didn't feel helpful. Actually, she was relieved when he finally stopped sermonizing. She could then exhale. He prided himself on being a problem solver. He could figure out what was wrong and rectify the difficulty. Yet, he often felt helpless with the person he wanted to help the most.
She felt that he didn't get it. She wanted to divulge her feelings; he wanted to resolve the issue. She needed to tell the story; he needed to patch up the problem. She wanted him just to be there; he wanted to make her feel better.
He felt that she didn't get it. He wanted to help; she wanted to push him away. He needed to feel useful; she needed to figure it out by herself. He wanted to take away her pain; she wanted to keep talking about it.
This couple wants to dance together, yet the dance is over as soon as the music begins. What's a couple to do when they both sway to different music?
In these kinds of situations, it's most important to be aware of the beat of the music. If her music is excitable and his music is analytical, trouble abounds. She will rarely be receptive to his input (even if he's on target) if she's enmeshed in emotions. She will turn a cold shoulder to his solutions if he presents them when she's not ready to hear them. So what can he do to feel powerful and effective?
To make himself feel comfortable, he offers solutions; she rejects them. He feels ineffectual; she feels isolated. Why can't she appreciate his input? She might, but not until her flood of emotions has subsided. Advice may be welcome but not when the timing is off. So what's a guy to do? Here are a few tips:
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