How to Attract the Relationships You Want
By Lori Radun
There has been a time in my life when relationships were a source of great discontentment in my life. I worked around negative people. I didn't have a lot of the kinds of friends I wanted. I was in a marriage that was lonely and filled with conflict. Although today all my relationships are not perfect, I feel blessed with the quality of people in my life. Much has changed and I've learned a lot about how to attract the relationships I want in life.
When you think about relationships, our lives are filled with so many. You may have a spouse whom you share your life with. You probably have children who you interact with on a regular basis. No doubt you have a few friends or maybe many friends. You might be a daughter to a mom and dad, a niece to an aunt or uncle, or a sister to one or more siblings. It's possible that you work or volunteer with people everyday. Are your relationships everything you want them to be? Do they nurture you and fill you up or do they drain your energy, leaving you feeling depleted? If you're like most people, you probably have relationships that do a little of both.
Relationships are essential to our survival and well being. God did not create us to go through life alone. Our relationships teach us more about who we are and who we are not. They highlight what we want in life and what we don't want. Relationships challenge us to grow in ways we might not grow on our own. When you think about your own relationships, I want to encourage you to look at ways you might attract more of what you want from your relationships.
Know What You Want
Do you know exactly what you want in a relationship? Is it the same for every kind of relationship you have? Make a list of the criteria you have for a positive or healthy relationship. Your list might look something like this:
- The parties must treat each other with respect
- There needs to be an acceptance and appreciation of each other's differences
- Each person should know how to resolve issues without fighting or arguing
- The relationships should provide an emotional connection
- We should work together in a way that is fair for all parties involved
- We should support and encourage one another
- There needs to be openness and honesty with thoughts and feelings
- We need to be able to laugh and have fun together
Now you can look at each of your relationships and decide if it meets your requirements. If not, you have a starting point for creating what you want. All of us, at any time, have five choices regarding our relationships. We can accept the relationship the way it is and be happy. We can remain a victim to the relationship. We can change the relationship. We can change our perspective of the relationship. We can leave the relationship.
Change Your Beliefs about What You Deserve
If you want the best relationships have to offer, you have to believe you deserve the best. Otherwise, you will settle for less than the best. At your core, what do you believe about relationships and people? Some limiting beliefs might be:
- All marriage partners fight.
- Most people in corporate America are negative.
- You have to be careful about who you trust.
- Most people are in a relationship for themselves.
- There are no good guys or good gals left - they're all married.
Whatever you believe, you will attract. So start believing what you want is truly possible.
Be Who Your Ideal Is
In my workshops, I tell women that if they want to attract inspiring friends, they must be an inspiring friend. We are energetic human beings, and like energy attracts like energy. The other day a woman shared a story about lunchtime at her place of business. All the co-workers would sit around in the lunchroom eating their lunches. One person would start to complain about the company or her job, and then the next person would chime in. Before you know it, a gripe session had begun. This woman told me that she found herself not being who she wanted to be, and instead joining the negativity with the rest of the crowd. Go back to your criteria for a positive and healthy relationship, and be all of those characteristics in your relationships. You will be a leader and force of change in your own life.
Stop the Ugly Dance
In the most intimate relationships, we often engage in the ugly dance. Our partner, or someone we're very close to, will say something that triggers us. From our subconscious mind, we react, and the dance begins. This happened to me the other day when I was talking to my mom. She said to me, "This year I am not going to go all out for Christmas because my kids don't appreciate it." There was the bait. In the past, this fish (me) would have taken a bite of that bait, but not this time. I stopped what could have been an ugly dance. I refrained from defending myself and telling her that she was wrong. I let my mom have her feelings while I just listened and politely changed the subject. Every person that comes into a relationship, including ourselves, has some emotional baggage we carry with us. Drop the luggage and stop the ugly dance.
Create a Sacred Space
Michael Port, renowned business coach and author of "Book Yourself Solid," talks about having a red velvet rope policy in your business. I like to use that policy in my life. Imagine you are entering a high quality event like an opera or The Grammy Awards ceremony. You walk up to the attendant and hand him your high priced ticket and he opens the red velvet rope to let you through. Pretend your life is that high quality event and you get to decide who enters that sacred space. One of my friends is a very inspiring person. A lot of people want to enter her sacred space, but only a few get past the red velvet rope. Is it because she is mean? No, it is because she understands the importance of protecting her energy and keeping her life positive. Who gets to enter your sacred space?
Positive and high energy relationships will add more to your life than you can imagine. So start today and attract exactly what you want from your relationships. Your life will be forever blessed with peace, happiness and fulfillment.
Lori Radun, CEC is a certified life coach for moms.