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How to Not Lose Your Identity
When You’re in a Relationship

By Daniel T Anderson

When you’re part of a couple, it doesn’t mean you need to be apart from the interests, passions and pursuits that are important to you. While it’s natural to want to make changes and adjustments to your life so that you can spend as much time with your partner as possible, adaptation doesn’t mean subjugation.

There are definitely activities, both in and out of the bedroom, that you should enjoy together as a couple. But it’s easy to fall into the trap where you find that your world suddenly starts to revolve around your significant other, and everything else in your life seems to become insignificant. Fortunately, there are key steps you can take right now to stay true to yourself and not lose yourself just because “me” is now “we.”

Keep Doing the Activities You Love

Are you skipping your kickboxing classes so you can meet her after work? Did you stop playing soccer so you can binge-watch Netflix with him? Are you not showing up to your softball games because Saturday afternoons are now devoted to sports bars and pitchers of beer?

Being a couple isn’t justification to just stop doing the things that mattered to you before your relationship started.

Your hobbies, activities and interests are still important. Yes, you might need to make some minor modifications—perhaps there will be some days when you can attend an earlier yoga session or meet up with each other after your mindfulness seminar—but that’s simply a matter of rescheduling, not saying farewell. Whatever your passions may be, it’s imperative that you don’t pass on them.

Make Time for Your Friends and Family

Hey, remember them? They remember you. And they want to see you. Spending time with your friends, family and the people who matter in your life is critical in keeping a happy and healthy relationship with your partner as well as keeping a happy and healthy relationship with yourself. Don’t neglect the companions and buddies who have always been there for you and care about you just because you’ve buddied-up. You should still make them a priority.

Perhaps that means having Sunday brunch with your besties instead of Sunday morning tennis with his crew. Or going to your parents’ house for a Friday night dinner instead of going to hers. Or meeting your sister for a hike and some one-on-one time. Remember, as George Costanza on “Seinfeld” famously pointed out, you have your “relationship” self and your “independent” self. They’re both important parts of keeping your identity whole and your relationship strong.

Appreciate Your Differences

The diverse set of interests, hobbies and pastimes that you and your partner bring to the table are what make you both individuals, and it’s actually what made you both attractive and appealing to each other in the first place. Your partner doesn’t need a clone, twin or duplicate to accompany him or her on every endeavor and excursion around town. You’re not a shadow, sidekick or carbon copy. Remember, you’re your own person with your own unique experiences, background and pursuits. Don’t forsake what makes you special, awesome and truly one of a kind. Your partner admires that about you, and it’s time you should, too.

Find the Balance

It’s great to be able to share in your interests with your partner, but not at the cost of losing your identity and individuality, and vice versa. In order to find the equilibrium, it’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what’s important to you and find the ways to simultaneously keep both of your passions alive. In fact, this will ultimately help keep the passion alive in your relationship as well.

Reaching this balance will likely take some compromise, and while compromise plays a key role in any relationship, you have to be vocal, assertive and forthright about your needs and work things out together in order to avoid being steamrolled. And while reaching a balance between spending time as a couple and spending time apart on your own passions and pursuits may take some getting used to, it’s key to maintaining a happy, healthy and lasting relationship. When you don’t lose yourself in your relationship, you’ll find that you have everything to gain.