Creating Your Best Relationship
By Karinna Kittles-Karsten
Finding fulfillment in relationship, whether it's in terms of meeting that right person or staying happy in a partnership, is often thought to be what is going on between you and those in the dating scene or you and the person you are already with. But that isn't necessarily the case.
When we take a closer look we can start to see that there are thoughts and feelings creating a dynamic within us that is significantly contributing to the process of attracting our true partner and being fulfilled in a love relationship.
Chaotic thoughts and feelings bring mixed results to your love life. There are various voices that exist inside of us. Our mind, heart, body and spirit each have a voice. These voices may agree with each other, but quite often they contradict each other. For instance, if we were to ask each of these inner voices how they feel about our present experiences in intimate relationships they may give us 2 to 4 answers that are at odds.
Example #1: Seeking the One
An individual seeking the right partner has taken the step to make a discovery list of what they are looking for in an intimate relationship and their mental voice says, "I'm clear about what I want in a relationship." That same person has persistent emotional feelings of a past heartbreak and the heart's voice says, "I am heartbroken, I have been wounded. I don't believe in love." The sexual voice of this person is frustrated. It is saying, "I don't care about being loved, it's been so long I just want to have sex." This same person has a spiritual voice that is incredibly passionate about being with a true partner and says, "I want a soul mate."
This person has clarified what they want mentally but doesn't believe they can really have it emotionally. They may act out with unconscious sexual behavior but still keep yearning for their soul mate inside.
In this example we glimpse the incredible chaos that is taking place inside of this individual who is seeking "the one" that is right for them. There is disharmony in their internal paradigm that manifests itself in their external experience of dating.
Example #2: In Relationship
An intimate partner is emotionally fulfilled in their relationship. This partner also feels that they have a strong spiritual connection with their significant other. But the mental relationship is a struggle. This individual likes to explore deep and philosophical subject matter while the other person likes to always keep their conversation light. This intimate partner's mental voice is saying, "I am so bored, I need someone that I can really explore ideas with in my relationship." Sexually the partners have chemistry, but this partner finds themselves fantasizing fifty percent of the time about other partners that would share more compelling mental connectivity. This partner feels the couple is losing their sexual chemistry, and so does the other partner who is increasingly becoming sexually frustrated.
Issues arise in this partnership. A generally strong relationship that has the emotional, spiritual and sexual connection to start with is being undermined by the mental voice of the one partner that then sabotages their sexual relationship. Both partners wonder why a once happy union does not feel that great anymore. Discovering your intimate voices and what they have to say is the first step towards your intimate wholeness and the relationship fulfillment you seek.
Creating Harmony Out of Chaos
It is important to get to know your internal voices-- your Mind, Heart, Sexuality and Spirit-- to see what kind of messages they are sending you and sending others. Let's get started by examining your reoccurring ideas, feeling and behaviors about a relationship with an intimate partner. What are these voices saying inside of you?
- Emotional voice:
- Sexual voice:
- Mental voice:
- Spiritual voice:
If they are saying things to you that harmonize with one another then you should have a full dating calendar or a thriving relationship. If these internal voices are saying things that are at odds with one another it can now become easier to identify what is happening in your current intimate experience.
If your inner voices are at war then there is some big work to do on your part. This work involves getting to the root of the negative messaging and discarding conflicting messages that are unconsciously keeping you from the relationship you want. Coaching all your inner voices to harmonize towards the positive develops and strengthens your intimate core, offering a true voice of integrity that is revitalizing to you and that will usher in your best possible relationship.
About the Author: Karinna Kittles-Karsten is an internationally recognized speaker, author, Art of Love Educator, and the founder of Sacred Love, Inc. in Los Angeles, CA. She offers a unique approach to love and relationships based on over 16 years of study of the intimacy wisdom of ancient China, western psychology, and mythology. She has been a guest speaker at such prestigious organizations as New York University, on television shows like NBC's Starting Over, and has given advice on the pages of national magazines like SELF. For more information about Karinna's products and relationship counseling services please go to Sacred Love.com
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