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Saying "No" is Not Rejection

By Jackie Black, Ph.D.

Dr Jackie How many people do you know who can not tell someone they are dating that they do not want to see them any more? How many couples do you know who continue to date, are not making a commitment and one or both of them are miserable being together? Why do you suppose that intelligent, capable and otherwise successful men and women do not tell the truth when they no longer want to spend time together and build a life with another person?

Men and women worldwide tell me the very same thing:

  • I can't tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore...it sounds so mean
  • I don't want to hurt her feelings
  • I can't just reject him, he's such a nice guy
  • She won't understand... she'll be so upset and she's very sweet
  • People say I'm being too picky... that I am actually very lucky to be dating such a wonderful...

Please remember you are dating. Dating is a process. You are dating to find your ideal match. Recognizing that the men and women you are dating are not a match for you is the point of the process. It is highly likely that you will date a number of people who will not be your ideal match before you and the love of your life find each other.

As soon as you recognize that your date is not your ideal match, stop the dating process. You will not be the ideal match for the overwhelming majority of people who date you! When men or women you date recognize that you are not a match for them, they will (hopefully) stop the dating process... they will stop dating you.

There is no "rejecting" or "rejection" going on here. No one is being mean or hurting the feelings of others when one stops dating someone who is not the ideal match. Mindful adults are making mindful decisions with volition and intention about the "who" and the "how" of the rest of their lives. It is as simple as that.

Go out, keep dating and don't settle for or accept 'good enough.' Your ideal love is a very special man or woman who will not be interchangeable with anyone else.

Trust that it can be fabulous; that you can have what you want! Say goodbye as soon as you know what you know, deep in the place where you know it! Remember, only YOU can make it happen!


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