Is there a word that you find hard to spell? For the longest time, I had to stop and think before I spelled the simple word "their." I'd ask myself, is it "e-i" or "i-e"? This was a thinking error on my part. The difference between a thinking error and a mistake is that a mistake is a single incident, while a thinking error is making the same mistake over and over again. Behavioral thinking errors are the same kind of thing--picture an error in spelling or math that you repeat over and over again. In the same way, people use thinking errors to justify irresponsible or self defeating actions they take over and over again. They're usually harmless. So let's say your friend tells you he's on a diet, but then you see him eat an extra dessert. And if you ask him why, you'll hear a thinking error: "I needed a little reward. It's been a hard week." When asked, your friend who has an extra helping of pie or the guy next to you on the highway going 85 miles an hour in a 65 mile-an-hour zone will probably give some excuse to justify their self-defeating or illegal behavior.
Kids use thinking errors all the time, too--and they get into trouble when they use these errors to justify being aggressive, taking risks, shirking responsibility, or trying to manipulate others. This is especially true for adolescents, because they're at a stage in their development when they really need to learn how to deal with life. They have to figure out how to manage anxiety, meet their responsibilities, follow through on tasks, and communicate frankly and honestly. For children especially, thinking errors are a destructive habit to get into, because they prevent them from learning the important skills that lead to success in life.
So as a parent, how do you recognize thinking errors when you see them? I think it's important to learn what your child's thinking errors are and to confront them. Confrontation leads to change--and by the way, confrontation doesn't mean with hostility or anger. It means dealing with it head on. Actually, the less emotion the better, because a clear head gives you a better chance of getting all the information. Use your communication skills as a parent: Show positive regard in your expression and in your tone. If you're not sure how to do that, practice in the mirror for awhile.
Thinking Error #1: The Victim Stance
The battle cry of a child who uses the victim stance is, "It's not my fault!" When they don't meet their responsibilities and they're challenged, they inevitably play the victim. A classic example of this is the old excuse, "The dog ate my homework." What the child is really saying here is, "I'm a victim of the dog." And if his teacher says, "You have to stay after school and finish your work," instead of owning up to his mistake, the child feels like he's the one being wronged.
All people see themselves as victims from time to time; it's normal. Yet children and adolescents will often see themselves as a victim in ways that interfere with their emotional and functional development. If your child is allowed to use the victim stance too frequently, he will start to see himself as a victim all the time. The victim stance is one of the primary cop-outs adolescents use when they think a task is too hard, or boring, or stupid. They see injustice whenever they are challenged or confronted. This stance makes them very ungrateful and hostile, and it also prevents them from meeting their responsibilities. Think of it this way: if your child doesn't meet a responsibility, usually the natural consequence is supposed to help him change. But if he sees it as an injustice and believes he's the victim, then he'll take no responsibility for change, and he probably won't.
How to Confront the Victim Stance:
I believe you should challenge your child's use of the victim stance clearly and directly. If you find out from the teacher that your child isn't completing homework assignments, for example, start with, "Your teacher called me and said your homework isn't getting done, but you told me you were finished. What's going on?"Let him answer; hear him out. Let's say your child gives you some victim story. I recommend that you avoid fighting with him about that. Instead, you can state very clearly, "You're a student, this is your responsibility. If you need help, you have to ask someone for it. You're not a victim here--you can make choices." You can also say to your child, "It sounds like you're giving me an excuse or blaming your teacher for not having your work done." (Understand that he'll be unwilling or unable to understand the meaning of what you're saying, but stick with it nonetheless.) Kids tend to avoid confrontation or they overreact to it because it makes them uncomfortable, but that's right where you want them. Ask him "Do you have homework tonight?" And then tell him to go do it and let you know when it's done. No long lectures. Just challenge his thinking and get him moving. Believe me, if the Victim Stance is a consistent thinking error he uses, there will be plenty of time to confront it further in the future.
Thinking Error #2: Uniqueness
Often, parents will ask their teenager why he's started hanging out with the wrong crowd: kids who are using drugs or getting into trouble. They might say something like, "I'm different. I'm friends with Josh, but I don't smoke pot like he does." Or, When asked why they're playing video games and not studying, your child will say, "I don't have to do my homework or study. I know I can pass the test." Statements like those reflect the thinking error of Uniqueness, and it creates a false sense of security for the person using it. Picture an adult friend of yours saying, "I can have the bottle of scotch and still drive. I drive better after a few drinks...it relaxes me." He's saying he's unique, even though you think he's crazy. Many adolescents see themselves as unique, and that thinking can have serious consequences. For instance, you might ask your teen, "When did you start spending time with those kids?" And your child will say, "They were nice to me on Friday, so I hung out with them after school." Your response might be, "I've heard those kids use drugs." And your child says, "Not me, I'm different. I don't use drugs. I'm just hanging out with them."
There's an old saying: "If you hang around the barber shop long enough, you're going to get a haircut." If your child thinks he's unique and he can hang out at the barber shop, maybe he is. But for most kids that I've worked with, they're not unique at all--it's simply an error in judgment.
How to Confront Uniqueness:
It's normal for most kids to perceive themselves as unique and invulnerable. Those thoughts become problematic when children and teens use them to avoid responsibilities, engage in risky behavior or justify poor judgment. Be straightforward when you talk about this. Ask your child about different scenarios that could occur and see how he would handle them.
Thinking Error #3: One-way Training
One-way Training is another thinking error that's important to understand. This is when your child resists every effort you make to get him to take responsibility to change specific behaviors. And not only does he resist your training, he unknowingly starts to train you. The more aggressively he resists you, the more he's training you not to challenge him. If he resists you through verbal abuse, dishonesty, destructive behavior, or manipulation, he's training you not to hold him accountable, and to accept higher levels of irresponsibility. This is a huge thinking error. If kids using One-way Training are successful, they're just not going to learn what they need to learn.
A simple example of One-way Training is that your child feels that he has the right to go through your purse or your bedroom whenever he wants to. But if you go into his room, look out! You'll see him become very upset and escalate. Believe it or not, that's the gentler part of One-way Training--it can get much worse when the stakes get higher and kids get verbally abusive or physically destructive.
What does your child get out of this? It's simple: he won't have to perform and he'll be able to skip his responsibilities. But adolescence is fleeting, and the day will come when your child has to have the basic knowledge to fill out a job application, apply for a job--and then keep one. He will also need the basic skill of being able to relate to other people without escalating and being a bully. In the long run, it's very destructive to think, "If I resist them, they'll give up--and if I resist them forcefully, they'll stop bothering me and give in."
How to Confront One-way Training:
When your child uses One-way Training and starts escalating, the question is, "Are you trying to intimidate me?" Ask him very clearly. Your child may say yes or no, but at least the real issue is on the table. It's not "Oh, you asked me at the wrong time; you're bugging me." Challenge your child directly and clearly.
You can begin by confronting his distorted thinking. Say something like, "Listen, I've noticed that you don't want me to go in your room, but you go into my room all the time. You have to give respect in order to receive it. Let's make a deal here. We'll stay out of each other's rooms from now on." If your child still goes into your room, buy a lockbox and put a lock on the closet door. Opportunity, willingness and ability are the three primary factors of behavior. To help kids who can't manage their impulses, one of the things you have to cut down on is opportunity. I call that "opportunity management." So instead of fighting with your child every day, put a lock on the closet door and start there--by eliminating the opportunity. Always remember, we have to deal with the child we're really parenting, not the child we wish we had.
Thinking Error #4: Dishonesty and Secrecy
I know kids have secrets; I understand that adolescents are in the stage where they're individuating and separating from their parents. Secrets are a natural part of this stage of their development. But here's the deal: There are things that kids lie about, give misinformation about, or are secretive about which get them into trouble. There are kids who do things underhandedly and won't admit to it--or who blame somebody else. Maybe they're caught at a party where everyone is drinking and they say, "Oh, I was just there; I wasn't drinking." Or "I was just walking by." They always give you half the story, or they stack the facts.
"Fact stacking" is where your child gives you the facts, but stacks them in a way that seems to justify his behavior. When you investigate a little further, the facts take a different form. When you "unstack" them and get the truth, you realize that your child is simply justifying his behavior. And again, justification and avoidance may be common in our society, but they're not going to help your child.
"Partialization" is another part of dishonesty in which your child tells you half the story or does half the work. So you say, "Did you do your homework?" And he says, "Yeah, it's all done." Let's say he's only got some of it finished, but he tells you what you want to hear so he's not under pressure. Many kids partialize; eventually it gets them into trouble. When it all comes out later, everybody feels like they were cheated and lied to. And if you don't confront this thinking error, this story will repeat itself again and again.
How to Confront Dishonesty and Secrecy:
Kids need to learn about privacy and boundaries. They're very important developmentally. Again, I think you should confront your child directly and clearly. You can say, "It sounds like you're only giving me part of the story. What's really going on?" Or, "Are you just telling me what I want to hear? No? Well, then show me all of your homework." Make your child uncomfortable and then hold him responsible.
Usually people don't like being challenged. Many kids will start yelling and get angry when confronted. Try not to get angry yourself. Instead, tell your child, "Getting angry at me is not going to change this. Let me know when you're ready to talk about it maturely." And then turn around and leave the room. Try to talk to your child later. If he refuses, there should be a consequence for him. I believe there should be consequences for kids who don't want to participate after a reasonable amount of time has gone by. And you can say, "If you don't want to talk to me about this, that's fine. But no electronics until you do."
Thinking Error #5: Turnaround
Finally, kids often use a tactic called "Turnaround" when challenged. This is when you ask your child, "Why are you late for curfew?" and she says to you, "What do you care?" Your child answers your question with another question that puts you on the defensive--that's how she turns it around on you. Or maybe you say something like, "Boy, I'm sick and tired of you not doing your chores." And your child says, "Why? Don't you love me?" The name of the game for your child is to say something that puts you on the defensive--and it usually works. In fact, many of these tactics work. And by the way, it's not that the bad kids use thinking errors and the good kids don't. Any child can pick up these habits.
How to Confront Turnaround:
State simply and clearly, "It seems like you're trying to change the subject. Don't turn this around on me. We're talking about you doing your chores, not whether or not I love you."
Kids use thinking errors to avoid being held accountable every day. They use them to avoid homework, but also to start using drugs, to steal and to be abusive to other people. But you can't help your child change his behavior if he never takes responsibility for what he's doing.
When you challenge your child, is he going to get angry? Yes. Defensive? Probably. Believe me, I know this isn't easy. But if you can follow these guidelines, you have a better chance of getting your child to look at his excuses differently. You'll be able to show him that they are actually getting in his way and getting him into trouble--not helping him. And that's the first step toward acquiring the skills he's been avoiding.
"Nothing makes me happier than helping my friends."
Nearly every time we talked, James Lehman said those words to me. And like everything James said, the words were genuine, honest, and sincere. The more I came to know him over the years, the more I realized that being there for his friends and family meant everything to him.
When I became editor of Empowering Parents, I had no way of knowing that one of the best parts of my job would be getting to know James. We talked every week, and each time we spoke, his first questions were always, "How is your son? How is your family?"
One day this spring when we were talking on the phone, my seven-year-old son, Alex, pulled on my sleeve and whispered, "Mommy, can I talk to James? You said that he helps kids, right? I have a problem and maybe he knows the answer."
Being James, he agreed immediately. (When James was your friend, you never questioned if he would help you—he always jumped in and did what he could. He was just that kind of man.)
James listened as Alex told him about a boy who was bullying him in class. Then James gave my son advice in his warm, native New Yorker accent: "Some kids won't quit bothering you even if you tell them to stop. I know it's hard, but you will have to say it over and over again. Just say, 'Don't talk to me that way, I don't like it,' and turn around and tell the teacher. You might have to do this a lot of times. Do you think you can try that?"
"I think so," said my son.
Then James got on the phone with me and told me how to handle the situation with my son's teacher and principal.
Each week after that, James made sure to ask how things were going. When I finally was able to tell him that my son was doing much better and that the situation was resolved, he shared my happiness and relief.
This is just one of the many amazing stories I—or anyone here at Empowering Parents who worked with him—could tell you about James Lehman. He was a remarkable man with a remarkable story. He went from being abandoned as an infant in a tenement building in New York City, to being a teen runaway and drug addict. By the time he was in his twenties, he had served seven years in prison. A judge sent him to an accountability- and responsibility-based rehabilitation program, where inmates were responsible for helping others beat their addictions. It was there that James discovered he had a knack for helping teens. "Most people forget what it's like to be a kid, but for some reason, I never have," he would tell me. "I think I was given a gift in this life to be able to explain that to people, and to help parents and kids. I don't take credit for it—it's a gift." And it was indeed a gift, one that has helped hundreds of thousands of kids and families, and will no doubt continue helping people for years to come.
Perhaps one of the greatest lessons I learned from James was the impact one person's life can have on the world, no matter what your beginnings are, and no matter what bad choices you've made—you nearly always have the power to turn it around and help people in some way.
There are so many things James said in articles, in his program, and in our conversations over the years, but here are a few that will no doubt stay with me for the rest of my life:
"Don't parent the child you wish you had. Parent the child you have."
To me, this is about accepting your child for who he or she is. We all have certain expectations, an image in our minds of what we want our lives to be, what we want our kids to be like. But that's not always helpful or true. Sometimes, the wisest way to live is to accept what you've been given and move forward.
"Everybody is dealt a different hand in life. How you play the hand you were given is up to you."
Whether you had an idyllic childhood or a tough one, the way you live your life as an adult is in your hands. You can either feel victimized by the past, or be empowered to live your life on your own terms.
"Always ask yourself, 'What does my child need from me right now?'"
I ask myself this question every day, in nearly every parenting instance. Sometimes the answer isn't what I want to hear—but it's always the right thing to do.
Thank you, James. You were our teacher and beloved friend. You were one of the good guys. You will be missed.