It is within your power to reduce the stressful reactions that you
have. A key to changing your reactions is being able to track the way
in which you generate stress.
Recently, a coaching colleague told me a story about his client "Jim"
who gets into many arguments and confrontations with others. After each
altercation Jim spends a good deal of time attempting to convince my
coaching colleague as to how the other person's behavior was the catalyst
for what took place. One of his favorite expressions is "I hate it when
people jump to conclusions without first getting all of the facts."
In return my colleague has spent a good deal of time trying to show
Jim how his behavior and thinking play a key role in creating his many
problems.
Recently, Jim asked my colleague to accompany him on a business trip.
On the second day of their trip they are walking down the street together
late at night, having just finished a marathon business negotiation.
They are both feeling a little bit ill at ease because they are not
familiar with their surroundings, and they are concerned they might
be targeted for violence since they obviously are not part of the local
population.
All of a sudden they hear another set of footsteps walking behind them.
Jim wheels around to see who is following them, and as he does so the
man behind them quickly places his hand inside his coat in the area
of his breast pocket. Fearing the worst, Jim wheels back around and
dashes out onto the street in an attempt to get away from the gun he
believes the man is pulling out. Boom! Jim gets hit not by a speeding
bullet, but by a speeding car.
The man who Jim had been frightened by runs towards him as he lays bleeding
on the street, and uses the handkerchief he already has in his hand,
to stem the flow of Jim's blood. It turns out that luckily for Jim the
man is a doctor. Fairly soon the bleeding is stopped and it appears
that Jim will need some stiches and a cast for his broken left leg,
and after about thirty minutes an ambulance arrives to take Jim to the
hospital.
Once Jim is on the stretcher and before being hoisted up into the ambulance
he thanks the man for his help, and then asks, "Excuse me, but do you
mind if I ask you what you were pulling out from under your coat when
I first turned around to confront you?" "Why the very same hankerchief
I used to stem the flow of your blood." the doctor says. "I have been
having my usual spring allergy response, and I was just ready to have
a violent sneeze when you all of a sudden dashed out in the street and
totally distracted me. My goodness, just now I am realizing that this
is the first time today I have gone more than ten minutes without sneezing!"
"Now please let me ask you a question." the doctor says. "Why in the
world did you jump out in the street immediately upon seeing me?" Jim
quickly replies "Well, we were in a dangerous neighborhood, and all
of a sudden out of nowhere you were following us, and it seemed clear
that you were reaching for a gun or other weapon. How would you expect
me to react?"
The doctor smiles and says "Well, my friend, it seems to me that you
jumped to numerous inaccurate conclusions. First you thought that the
neighborhood was dangerous when in fact it is one of the safest neighborhoods
in our city, although most likely a much poorer neighborhood than where
you come from. Since you thought you were in a dangerous place you were
predisposed to something dangerous taking place. I am guessing the fact
that it was late at night, only added to your sense of fear." "Yes"
Jim said, "All of what you say is true."
"And the fact that initially there was no one else walking on the street
except for the two of you, most likely made my footsteps sound much
louder and more ominous. Is this not so?" Jim slowly nods "Yes."
"So" the doctor continued, "With those kinds of thoughts and fears running
around in your head, when I stepped out of my house to go visit a patient
you immediately thought that I was following you although frankly I
hadn't even really noticed you, as I was beginning a build up to a big
sneeze." "The only thing that made sense to you in the frame of mind
you were in, was to believe that I was a criminal pulling out a weapon."
"I'm sorry." Jim said.
"No need to be sorry." the doctor says. "You have not caused me any
harm." "Indeed you have helped me to have a much clearer understanding
of how my clients create stress for themselves."
The doctor pauses for a moment and then says, "Let's imagine that you
and your friend were walking down this very same street, but at two
o'clock in the afternoon instead of late at night, and there was one
or two people already walking in front of you, and one person already
walking behind you at a comfortable distance. How do you think you would
respond to my coming out of my house in such an instance?" "Hmm." says
Jim. "I might not have even noticed you!"
"And here is another idea the doctor says. "What if everything initially
happened just like it did this evening, but you had taken some self
defense training and felt confident in your ability to defend yourself,
and also perhaps partly because of your training, you had the tendency
to be both relaxed and aware. How do you think you would have responded
then?" "I can't say for sure since I never had such training." Jim says,
"But pretty much guaranteed at the very least I would not have jumped
out in front of the car."
"And since you have been so kind so far." the doctor says, "One more
thing if you don't mind." "Your fear of being in dangerous surroundings
led you to block out the only real danger that was present - A car speeding
down the street. Perceiving danger all around you, you jumped in front
of the only danger there was, and thus you created a self fulfilling
prophecy."
"Yes" Jim says, "I feel quite humbled. This is a difficult way to learn
a very important lesson. But better that I learned this lesson today
rather than continuing to struggle for many years to come. Now I can
truly understand what happens when one consistently jumps to conclusions
without having all of the facts, and assumes that something terrible
will take place. Thank you for all of your assistance."
Does this story have any special relevance to you and how you sometimes
react to what is going on around you? In any one circumstance there
can be many possible responses. and many possible outcomes. Have a different
set of beliefs and you will respond differently. Have a different set
of capabilities and training and you will respond differently. Change
the way you use your body and you will respond differently. Change the
environment that you are in and you will respond differently.
Stress is a particular emotional state. Emotion consists of language
AND body. Emotion is a system that is coherent at a deeper level than
language or body taken separately. When your emotional state changes
there is a concurrent change in your body, and in your use of language
(including your internal thought processes). When your emotions truly
change, you will notice a change in the way you use your body AND a
change in the way you think about and describe your experience. When
your emotions truly change you will feel better about who you are and
what you are capable of. Greater self awareness leads to a more relaxed
and creative use of your entire system. When you feel better, you think
better, and new solutions begin to become apparent. All of which leads
to a greater likelihood that you will meet the challenges you face with
great success.